Leather Maiden by Joe R. Lansdale

It was another chief. Moved here from Michigan. Did a little law work up there, was a constable. Applied for the job, got it. Chief then was James Kramer. He died. Cancer. I took over. As for DNA, I’m going to be real honest with you…What was your name again?”
    I gave it to him.
    â€œThing is, Jason—”
    â€œCason.”
    â€œCason. Thing is, you watch TV, you’d think everyone is doing DNA tests and cracking cases with all kinds of high-tech equipment, and in no more time than an hour TV show. Like everyone has a handwriting analyst that can tell if someone wrote a ransom note left-handed or with their toes. Sound equipment that can separate a car backfire from a dog fart. Ain’t true, bucko. Our special-material budget, and that would include DNA and that nifty yellow crime scene tape we stretch around crime sites, is two thousand dollars a year. That’s it. What we got here in Camp Rapture is some good hardworking cops, a drug dog so old he needs a live-in nurse and a leak in the department bathroom that slicks up the floor and makes it a death threat every time you go to the crapper.”
    â€œSo, I guess I can mark DNA testing off the list.”
    â€œYou can mark off DNA, ballistics, most everything. Drug dog dies, way they cost, I’ll be out there sniffing tires and asses in his place.”
    â€œI see,” I said.
    â€œI’m angry every day I get up on account of it,” the chief said.
    â€œThat you might have to sniff asses and tires?”
    He smiled, but it didn’t look particularly heartfelt.
    â€œThis girl, this Caroline Allison, don’t think I haven’t read her file and wondered,” he said. “I’ve looked at her picture dozens of times. A face like that could make a priest quit fucking choirboys.”
    â€œSo nothing was found at the scene?”
    â€œAll that was left was a sack of stale Taco Bell, some shoes. She just disappeared, like morning dew by mid-afternoon. If you quote me, that by the way could be a good quote.”
    I made a note on my pad. “Like morning dew by mid-afternoon,” I said. “I’ll use it. So, if you had the money for DNA you could do DNA testing, but you have nothing to test, so it doesn’t really matter if you can or cannot do DNA testing.”
    â€œOn the nosey. I’m going to lay that lack of evidence in the lap of my poor dead predecessor. No DNA was collected. Of course, that doesn’t mean there was any to collect. But if there was, I wasn’t responsible. I want it known that any incompetence was not my doing. Did you know speeding tickets have doubled on North Street because of a larger presence of officers?”
    â€œI didn’t know that.”
    â€œWell, it’s doubled. That’s my doing. Fines for unleashed dogs are up too.”
    â€œAre there fines for cats as well?” I asked.
    The chief furrowed his brow. “You know, I don’t think so. But we could make it that way. That’s an idea, and I might steal it.”
    â€œIt’s yours. What happened to Caroline’s car? Do you know?”
    â€œFrom what I remember from the files, no one claimed it. No relatives. It eventually was sold at an auction. I might have made another choice, but—” He spread his hands in a “Whatcha gonna do?” motion.
    â€œFingerprints?”
    â€œCar was dusted, but nothing was found.”
    â€œThat means someone wiped it down, right?”
    â€œIt means no fingerprints were found. That’s all it means. Oh, there were prints on the steering wheel, but they were all the same prints and didn’t pop up in any systems, so we got to figure they were hers.”
    â€œSo, nothing,” I said.
    The chief nodded and looked at his watch. “That’s what I’m saying…Well, got that Rotary thing.”
    â€œWhat about her apartment?”
    â€œWay I remember is it was