Pizza …
B. I like to eat pizza.
C. Pick B
D. Seriously, B is the correct answer, and you should pick it.
I finished the tests and printed out the results; I got a 100 percent on the writing and a 98 percent on the reading because the story about salmon migration patterns made me want to break the computer with my face.
Then, I had to take the test results to an old woman at her desk on the other side of the room so she could review my scores and tell me if I could sign up for the class I wanted. I drove over and awkwardly handed her the paper because I can’t really hand people things; I just kind of push them off my lap. She took it and said, “Okay, honey, let’s see how you did,” as if I was a toddler that had just used the toilet for the first time.
Her face instantly changed to astonishment and she said, “Wow, I didn’t expect this!”
“Uh, what?” was my reply. Was she joking? The salmon I had read about could have passed those tests. Then she realized how rude she had sounded and quickly added, “We just don’t usually get scores like this! Congratulations!”
I know my body looks fucked up, but I honestly feel like there is no physical indication that would lead people to think I’m mentally disabled, and scenarios like the above are funny, but incredibly annoying. But instead of letting it bother me too much, I had fun with the misperceptions many people had of me.
That same year there was a day when my friend Jon rode the short bus back to my house with me to chill after school. We were bored so he suggested we go on chatroulette.com. For those of you who have never heard of chatroulette (come out from under your rock), it is basically a web site where you can video chat with random people from all around the world. A majority of the people who use the site use it to satisfy their exhibitionist fantasies. In other words, you get paired up with lots of old, fat dudes jerking off. I wish I was joking. However, every once in a while you get the opportunity to have an actual conversation with someone from another state/country, which can be pretty interesting.
We went on chatroulette to see if we could find any good-looking girls to talk to, and to neither of our surprise, it was mostly dicks. Whenever we did come across fully clothed, normal people they usually said something along the lines of “What is wrong with that kid’s head?” because like I mentioned before, my head is disproportionately large compared to my body. A douche bag British kid asked me to pull my sleeves down because my skinny arms were creeping him out. We decided I would scare away any girls that we might potentially have the chance of talking to, so Jon positioned the laptop so only Jon could be seen in the chat window, our plan was to introduce me if someone seemed cool enough to not flip out.
Using this method, we came across a girl who looked to be about our age, and Jon started making small talk with her. I think she was from New York, but I could be wrong. She wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous, but she wasn’t ugly; her looks really had nothing to do with it at this point, we just wanted to talk to someone other than an old man penis. She told him she was bored too because she had to babysit her sister until her parents got home.
I whispered to Jon to introduce me and let me come in to the video. Jon was a jokester, so he capitalized on this opportunity to do something funny. He told the girl that he happened to also be babysitting someone—his mentally disabled cousin. Initially, I think he just said it to fuck with me.
When he turned the camera to me, I put my T-Rex arms close to my chest, crossed my eyes, and tipped my big head to the side. She completely bought it; there was no reason not to. I can make myself look very deranged. She also expressed how bad she felt for me and how nice Jon was for babysitting me. I sat there pretending to drool.
To be completely honest, I don’t know which one of us thought of
B. I like to eat pizza.
C. Pick B
D. Seriously, B is the correct answer, and you should pick it.
I finished the tests and printed out the results; I got a 100 percent on the writing and a 98 percent on the reading because the story about salmon migration patterns made me want to break the computer with my face.
Then, I had to take the test results to an old woman at her desk on the other side of the room so she could review my scores and tell me if I could sign up for the class I wanted. I drove over and awkwardly handed her the paper because I can’t really hand people things; I just kind of push them off my lap. She took it and said, “Okay, honey, let’s see how you did,” as if I was a toddler that had just used the toilet for the first time.
Her face instantly changed to astonishment and she said, “Wow, I didn’t expect this!”
“Uh, what?” was my reply. Was she joking? The salmon I had read about could have passed those tests. Then she realized how rude she had sounded and quickly added, “We just don’t usually get scores like this! Congratulations!”
I know my body looks fucked up, but I honestly feel like there is no physical indication that would lead people to think I’m mentally disabled, and scenarios like the above are funny, but incredibly annoying. But instead of letting it bother me too much, I had fun with the misperceptions many people had of me.
That same year there was a day when my friend Jon rode the short bus back to my house with me to chill after school. We were bored so he suggested we go on chatroulette.com. For those of you who have never heard of chatroulette (come out from under your rock), it is basically a web site where you can video chat with random people from all around the world. A majority of the people who use the site use it to satisfy their exhibitionist fantasies. In other words, you get paired up with lots of old, fat dudes jerking off. I wish I was joking. However, every once in a while you get the opportunity to have an actual conversation with someone from another state/country, which can be pretty interesting.
We went on chatroulette to see if we could find any good-looking girls to talk to, and to neither of our surprise, it was mostly dicks. Whenever we did come across fully clothed, normal people they usually said something along the lines of “What is wrong with that kid’s head?” because like I mentioned before, my head is disproportionately large compared to my body. A douche bag British kid asked me to pull my sleeves down because my skinny arms were creeping him out. We decided I would scare away any girls that we might potentially have the chance of talking to, so Jon positioned the laptop so only Jon could be seen in the chat window, our plan was to introduce me if someone seemed cool enough to not flip out.
Using this method, we came across a girl who looked to be about our age, and Jon started making small talk with her. I think she was from New York, but I could be wrong. She wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous, but she wasn’t ugly; her looks really had nothing to do with it at this point, we just wanted to talk to someone other than an old man penis. She told him she was bored too because she had to babysit her sister until her parents got home.
I whispered to Jon to introduce me and let me come in to the video. Jon was a jokester, so he capitalized on this opportunity to do something funny. He told the girl that he happened to also be babysitting someone—his mentally disabled cousin. Initially, I think he just said it to fuck with me.
When he turned the camera to me, I put my T-Rex arms close to my chest, crossed my eyes, and tipped my big head to the side. She completely bought it; there was no reason not to. I can make myself look very deranged. She also expressed how bad she felt for me and how nice Jon was for babysitting me. I sat there pretending to drool.
To be completely honest, I don’t know which one of us thought of
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