I am broken and leave me, just like Dad did.” It felt good to say it aloud, to let my deep-rooted fear free for the first time. Somewhere between leaving Wyn’s and entering the bright lights of the city, I had started to let that shy little monster of fear out from where he had been dwelling, hidden inside me for the past eleven years.
“I’m sorry, honey. I never knew… I didn’t realize that everything had affected you so much.”
“Neither did I. I figured it out on the way over,” I sighed. “The way Wyn talked about it, how she asked me not to let it ruin my life anymore… I don’t think I realized that I was doing that until that moment.”
We sat silently, lights flashing in the dark, the sound of the over-worked engine buzzing in my ears.
“Not everyone left you because of the mark, you know,” my mom said, her hand patting my knee in a comforting way.
“Just Dad.”
“Yes, just Dad. He left because he couldn’t handle it.”
“And because he was paranoid.” I knew I was being a little too honest; I just hoped Mom didn’t read too much into it.
“Maybe a little of that, too.” She smiled, but it was a sad smile, as if she knew the truth, but didn’t want to admit it.
“But not everyone left, Joclyn. I didn’t leave; Grandma and Grandpa Despain didn’t leave and Grandma Hillary didn’t leave. Ryland didn’t leave.”
“That’s not fair, Mom. Ryland doesn’t even know about the mark.”
“True, but if you were broken, he wouldn’t have stuck around so long.”
“I guess that’s right.” I knew it was; from the beginning it was. Even when he had found me crying in the bushes behind the kitchen when I was eight, he just smiled, handed me a rose and dragged me back to his room to play video games.
“So tell me…” Mom’s voice cut through my memory. “Did Wyn run away?”
“No.”
“Did she scream in fright?”
“No.”
“What did she do then?” I had seen the trap from the beginning and had to smile at my mom’s obvious attempt to make a point.
“She thought it was cool, and told me I shouldn’t let it ruin my life anymore.”
“I like this Wyn more and more. Maybe she will help me to get you out of those hoodies.”
“Don’t start, Mom,” I pleaded.
“Well, I’ve got to try. We do have that shopping date on Saturday. You would look so nice in that brand new, red shirt.”
“Okay, I’ll make you a deal.” An idea had come to me out of nowhere, although I knew it might not work, it was worth a try.
“Now, I am worried.”
“I won’t wear a hoodie, no hoodie all day on Saturday, if you let me hang out with Ry that night and watch a movie.”
“Joclyn, we talked about this.” She was stern.
Stupid Ryland, having to take off his shirt! I don’t think my mom would have ever started to take this stance if he had kept his shirt on. Oh, and if he hadn’t tried to kiss me in the kitchen… I stifled a sigh at the memory before rebutting.
“I know we did, but I can’t just walk away from him, Mom. He’s my best friend, and he’s leaving for Oxford in a few months and then he won’t be my friend anymore, anyway. He will have other friends, and girlfriends, and a fiancée, and run a huge company. He won’t just be Ry anymore. He will be Ryland LaRue, heir to a fortune.” I spoke very fast. Even though it hurt to say it, I knew it was true. No matter how many fantasies had entered my mind, it could never happen.
“He already is that.”
“I know,” I whispered. It took me a moment to find my voice again. My heart thudded around my chest in a desperate plea not to make this compromise with my mom. “Mom, can I just have him as a friend for a little while longer? Then I will leave him alone forever. I’ll have no other choice.”
“It’s not just that, Joclyn.” She sighed again, frustrated.
“Then, what is it?” I held my own though, my eyes digging into hers.
“Okay,” she conceded, “you know how Timothy is always
“I’m sorry, honey. I never knew… I didn’t realize that everything had affected you so much.”
“Neither did I. I figured it out on the way over,” I sighed. “The way Wyn talked about it, how she asked me not to let it ruin my life anymore… I don’t think I realized that I was doing that until that moment.”
We sat silently, lights flashing in the dark, the sound of the over-worked engine buzzing in my ears.
“Not everyone left you because of the mark, you know,” my mom said, her hand patting my knee in a comforting way.
“Just Dad.”
“Yes, just Dad. He left because he couldn’t handle it.”
“And because he was paranoid.” I knew I was being a little too honest; I just hoped Mom didn’t read too much into it.
“Maybe a little of that, too.” She smiled, but it was a sad smile, as if she knew the truth, but didn’t want to admit it.
“But not everyone left, Joclyn. I didn’t leave; Grandma and Grandpa Despain didn’t leave and Grandma Hillary didn’t leave. Ryland didn’t leave.”
“That’s not fair, Mom. Ryland doesn’t even know about the mark.”
“True, but if you were broken, he wouldn’t have stuck around so long.”
“I guess that’s right.” I knew it was; from the beginning it was. Even when he had found me crying in the bushes behind the kitchen when I was eight, he just smiled, handed me a rose and dragged me back to his room to play video games.
“So tell me…” Mom’s voice cut through my memory. “Did Wyn run away?”
“No.”
“Did she scream in fright?”
“No.”
“What did she do then?” I had seen the trap from the beginning and had to smile at my mom’s obvious attempt to make a point.
“She thought it was cool, and told me I shouldn’t let it ruin my life anymore.”
“I like this Wyn more and more. Maybe she will help me to get you out of those hoodies.”
“Don’t start, Mom,” I pleaded.
“Well, I’ve got to try. We do have that shopping date on Saturday. You would look so nice in that brand new, red shirt.”
“Okay, I’ll make you a deal.” An idea had come to me out of nowhere, although I knew it might not work, it was worth a try.
“Now, I am worried.”
“I won’t wear a hoodie, no hoodie all day on Saturday, if you let me hang out with Ry that night and watch a movie.”
“Joclyn, we talked about this.” She was stern.
Stupid Ryland, having to take off his shirt! I don’t think my mom would have ever started to take this stance if he had kept his shirt on. Oh, and if he hadn’t tried to kiss me in the kitchen… I stifled a sigh at the memory before rebutting.
“I know we did, but I can’t just walk away from him, Mom. He’s my best friend, and he’s leaving for Oxford in a few months and then he won’t be my friend anymore, anyway. He will have other friends, and girlfriends, and a fiancée, and run a huge company. He won’t just be Ry anymore. He will be Ryland LaRue, heir to a fortune.” I spoke very fast. Even though it hurt to say it, I knew it was true. No matter how many fantasies had entered my mind, it could never happen.
“He already is that.”
“I know,” I whispered. It took me a moment to find my voice again. My heart thudded around my chest in a desperate plea not to make this compromise with my mom. “Mom, can I just have him as a friend for a little while longer? Then I will leave him alone forever. I’ll have no other choice.”
“It’s not just that, Joclyn.” She sighed again, frustrated.
“Then, what is it?” I held my own though, my eyes digging into hers.
“Okay,” she conceded, “you know how Timothy is always
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