nothing.” Nothing? That’s a lie! She presses him by saying, “Your hand is cut and you’re limping.” He replies, “It was just a little accident.”
She thinks, “Well, duh! I know it was an accident.” She says, “Go on.” But, he won’t go on. She shouldn’t be surprised. He never goes on. He’s not going to talk about it. No, of course he doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s a secret, and he’s The Secret Agent Man. “I’m sorry, honey, but I’m Secret Agent 009. The information you’re requesting is classified. It’s a matter of National Security.” Actually, it’s Personal Security.
Who does he think his wife is? A spy? Now, if she is a spy, he’d better keep secrets. But if she’s not, The Secret Agent Man needs to learn how to open up to her.
Not a Good Combination
As you can see, women and men are incredibly different from each other when it comes to communication. Most women are very comfortable with verbal intimacy and have a built-in craving for it. Most men are very uncomfortable with verbal intimacy and have a built-in drive to avoid it. Not a good combination for a relationship, is it?
When a woman sees a chance for intimacy in a conversation, she reacts as if someone has placed a wonderful gift basket in the room. It’s a basket with an assortment of chocolates, bath oils and lotions, a gift certificate to her favorite store, and a coupon for a day spa. She throws herself at it. She can’t wait to unpack all this terrific stuff!
When a man sees the possibility for intimacy in a conversation, he reacts as if someone has rolled a live grenade into the room. He leaps away from it in a desperate attempt to save himself!
The Secret Agent’s Wall
Because of these differences, many married couples are not able to talk on anything but a superficial level. There is a huge, thick, seemingly impenetrable wall between the husband and the wife which prevents emotional connection.
This wall is erected and maintained by The Secret Agent Spouse. The Secret Agent Spouse could be the husband or the wife. The Talking Spouse knows how to express feelings and share on a deeper level. This spouse is ready, willing, and usually desperate to punch through the wall and experience emotional intimacy. The Secret Agent Spouse, however, stays behind the wall and simply refuses to allow any deeper level conversations to occur.
Did I Marry a Secret Agent Spouse?
I have developed a test that will confirm with one hundredpercent accuracy if you’ve married a Secret Agent. Although my test assumes that the husband is the Secret Agent, it could just as easily be the wife.
1. He is content with a very low level of intimacy in the marriage. T F
2. He does not talk in a personal, heart-to-heart way with you. T F
3. He holds his emotions and deep thoughts inside. T F
4. His idea of quality time is having you sit beside him while he watches television. T F
5. He seems to love his television, his computer, and his job more than he loves you. T F
6. He believes the only purpose of romance was to get you to marry him. T F
7. The only time he’s passionate is when he wants—and during—sex. T F
8. He has the listening skills of a tree stump. T F
9. He’s into conservation . . . conservation of words. He thinks there’s no point in using twenty-five words when one or two will do. T F
10. You’ve come to realize that 99 percent of his entire conversational repertoire with you consists of these twenty statements/ questions T F
“Fine.”
“Okay.”
“Pretty good.”
“Sure.”
“I don’t know.”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I said I was sorry.”
“Get over it.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
“I forgot.”
“I never said that.”
“It’s that time of month, isn’t it?”
“How about some sex, baby?”
“What’s on television?”
“Do we have to visit your parents?”
“Where are my
She thinks, “Well, duh! I know it was an accident.” She says, “Go on.” But, he won’t go on. She shouldn’t be surprised. He never goes on. He’s not going to talk about it. No, of course he doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s a secret, and he’s The Secret Agent Man. “I’m sorry, honey, but I’m Secret Agent 009. The information you’re requesting is classified. It’s a matter of National Security.” Actually, it’s Personal Security.
Who does he think his wife is? A spy? Now, if she is a spy, he’d better keep secrets. But if she’s not, The Secret Agent Man needs to learn how to open up to her.
Not a Good Combination
As you can see, women and men are incredibly different from each other when it comes to communication. Most women are very comfortable with verbal intimacy and have a built-in craving for it. Most men are very uncomfortable with verbal intimacy and have a built-in drive to avoid it. Not a good combination for a relationship, is it?
When a woman sees a chance for intimacy in a conversation, she reacts as if someone has placed a wonderful gift basket in the room. It’s a basket with an assortment of chocolates, bath oils and lotions, a gift certificate to her favorite store, and a coupon for a day spa. She throws herself at it. She can’t wait to unpack all this terrific stuff!
When a man sees the possibility for intimacy in a conversation, he reacts as if someone has rolled a live grenade into the room. He leaps away from it in a desperate attempt to save himself!
The Secret Agent’s Wall
Because of these differences, many married couples are not able to talk on anything but a superficial level. There is a huge, thick, seemingly impenetrable wall between the husband and the wife which prevents emotional connection.
This wall is erected and maintained by The Secret Agent Spouse. The Secret Agent Spouse could be the husband or the wife. The Talking Spouse knows how to express feelings and share on a deeper level. This spouse is ready, willing, and usually desperate to punch through the wall and experience emotional intimacy. The Secret Agent Spouse, however, stays behind the wall and simply refuses to allow any deeper level conversations to occur.
Did I Marry a Secret Agent Spouse?
I have developed a test that will confirm with one hundredpercent accuracy if you’ve married a Secret Agent. Although my test assumes that the husband is the Secret Agent, it could just as easily be the wife.
1. He is content with a very low level of intimacy in the marriage. T F
2. He does not talk in a personal, heart-to-heart way with you. T F
3. He holds his emotions and deep thoughts inside. T F
4. His idea of quality time is having you sit beside him while he watches television. T F
5. He seems to love his television, his computer, and his job more than he loves you. T F
6. He believes the only purpose of romance was to get you to marry him. T F
7. The only time he’s passionate is when he wants—and during—sex. T F
8. He has the listening skills of a tree stump. T F
9. He’s into conservation . . . conservation of words. He thinks there’s no point in using twenty-five words when one or two will do. T F
10. You’ve come to realize that 99 percent of his entire conversational repertoire with you consists of these twenty statements/ questions T F
“Fine.”
“Okay.”
“Pretty good.”
“Sure.”
“I don’t know.”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I said I was sorry.”
“Get over it.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
“I forgot.”
“I never said that.”
“It’s that time of month, isn’t it?”
“How about some sex, baby?”
“What’s on television?”
“Do we have to visit your parents?”
“Where are my
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