its crest. It made the rest of her life seem insignificant. What did it matter whether Drew thought she was on a mission to walk him down the aisle? What did it matter if she was sliding down a hill into love with Cal?
Where was Eddie? What was he thinking? Was he suicidal? Over dosed? Beaten up by some drug dealer he owed money to? For her sake, would he go to rehab? But she knew the answer s already. If he loved her enough, he’d already have gone. Long ago.
The wave started at the bottom of her rib cage, in the center, and fanned out in all directions till she could only l ie on her bunk and stare at nothing. The ache was too deep for crying. She knew from experience, she couldn’t walk it off, escape it with TV or a book.
“God, make the pain stop. Rescue me. Help me. End my misery. I’m fine with checking out early. Jesus, You can come back and get me now.” She’d had the same conversation with God a dozen times. And she meant it. She wasn’t suicidal. That was Eddie. She was ready. More than ready for the pain to stop.
She texted Eddie.
#
Gray clouds hovered over the ocean as Raine approached the seawall. H igh tide licked the sand behind where Drew sat . He fac ed the shore and not the ocean the way she usually found him. When he spotted her, he jumped to his feet and walked toward her.
She met him half way.
Drew looked down at her feet and back up to her eyes. “I’m sorry I teased you about your parents thinking we were going out. Sometimes I push it too far. Will you forgive me?” His eyes swirled with emotions she couldn’t read.
She walked toward the water. Drew followed. “I think I’m getting used to you. It wasn’t that big of a deal.” Not compared to her panic attack over Eddie.
“It didn’t sound like ‘no big deal’ when you stomped off.”
She stopped at water’s edge and looked over at Drew. “Sometimes I’m twelve inside and it bleeds to the outside. Embarrassing.” Her hair blew into her eyes.
Drew brushed it aside, his fingertips resting in her hair. “We’re okay, then?”
She smiled. “Yeah.” His touch was unnerving her. What if—
Drew’s hand dropped, and he turned back to watch the sun burn away the clouds.
Maybe the touch only felt intimate to her. He had just been making sure she ’d forgiven him.
They stood in silence watching the horizon.
She turned toward the jetty and took a few steps .
Drew came up beside her. “Any word from Eddie since we saw him at Lost Lagoon ?”
Pain knifed through her at the sound of Eddie’s name. She glanced at Drew. “If I could divorce my brother, I’d do it. I try not thinking about him, not worrying about him, but it doesn’t work. He’s always there, like a redwood planted in my heart a hundred years ago.”
“I’m sorry you have to hurt like this.”
“Sometimes I hate him. He doesn’t care that yesterday I lay in my bunk staring at Aly’s springs, too paralyzed with fear and pain and anger to function. Could his suicide hurt any worse than this?” She peered at Drew, but she saw no judgment in his eyes, only compassion. “I want him to love me like he used to, to care about me enough to not torture me.”
“I don’t know Eddie, but I bet he’s not trying to hurt you.”
Tears sprung to her eyes. “Then why is he doing it?”
“It’s all about the drug. He can’t think straight when the meth has a stranglehold on him.”
“I want out. Maybe in Africa, I’ll be free.”
Drew’s lips set in a firm line. He stared at the whitecaps dotting the Atlantic .
She wiped her tears away with her palms. She wasn’t the only one in the world with pain. “Do you still think about Kurt every day?”
“Yeah, I do.” He looked at her then. “Rainey, I wish I could promise you running to Africa would work . But my guess is the pain will go with you. The only thing I know is if you take God into those deep cracks Eddie’s made in your heart , you’ll fill them with something good.
Where was Eddie? What was he thinking? Was he suicidal? Over dosed? Beaten up by some drug dealer he owed money to? For her sake, would he go to rehab? But she knew the answer s already. If he loved her enough, he’d already have gone. Long ago.
The wave started at the bottom of her rib cage, in the center, and fanned out in all directions till she could only l ie on her bunk and stare at nothing. The ache was too deep for crying. She knew from experience, she couldn’t walk it off, escape it with TV or a book.
“God, make the pain stop. Rescue me. Help me. End my misery. I’m fine with checking out early. Jesus, You can come back and get me now.” She’d had the same conversation with God a dozen times. And she meant it. She wasn’t suicidal. That was Eddie. She was ready. More than ready for the pain to stop.
She texted Eddie.
#
Gray clouds hovered over the ocean as Raine approached the seawall. H igh tide licked the sand behind where Drew sat . He fac ed the shore and not the ocean the way she usually found him. When he spotted her, he jumped to his feet and walked toward her.
She met him half way.
Drew looked down at her feet and back up to her eyes. “I’m sorry I teased you about your parents thinking we were going out. Sometimes I push it too far. Will you forgive me?” His eyes swirled with emotions she couldn’t read.
She walked toward the water. Drew followed. “I think I’m getting used to you. It wasn’t that big of a deal.” Not compared to her panic attack over Eddie.
“It didn’t sound like ‘no big deal’ when you stomped off.”
She stopped at water’s edge and looked over at Drew. “Sometimes I’m twelve inside and it bleeds to the outside. Embarrassing.” Her hair blew into her eyes.
Drew brushed it aside, his fingertips resting in her hair. “We’re okay, then?”
She smiled. “Yeah.” His touch was unnerving her. What if—
Drew’s hand dropped, and he turned back to watch the sun burn away the clouds.
Maybe the touch only felt intimate to her. He had just been making sure she ’d forgiven him.
They stood in silence watching the horizon.
She turned toward the jetty and took a few steps .
Drew came up beside her. “Any word from Eddie since we saw him at Lost Lagoon ?”
Pain knifed through her at the sound of Eddie’s name. She glanced at Drew. “If I could divorce my brother, I’d do it. I try not thinking about him, not worrying about him, but it doesn’t work. He’s always there, like a redwood planted in my heart a hundred years ago.”
“I’m sorry you have to hurt like this.”
“Sometimes I hate him. He doesn’t care that yesterday I lay in my bunk staring at Aly’s springs, too paralyzed with fear and pain and anger to function. Could his suicide hurt any worse than this?” She peered at Drew, but she saw no judgment in his eyes, only compassion. “I want him to love me like he used to, to care about me enough to not torture me.”
“I don’t know Eddie, but I bet he’s not trying to hurt you.”
Tears sprung to her eyes. “Then why is he doing it?”
“It’s all about the drug. He can’t think straight when the meth has a stranglehold on him.”
“I want out. Maybe in Africa, I’ll be free.”
Drew’s lips set in a firm line. He stared at the whitecaps dotting the Atlantic .
She wiped her tears away with her palms. She wasn’t the only one in the world with pain. “Do you still think about Kurt every day?”
“Yeah, I do.” He looked at her then. “Rainey, I wish I could promise you running to Africa would work . But my guess is the pain will go with you. The only thing I know is if you take God into those deep cracks Eddie’s made in your heart , you’ll fill them with something good.
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