I’ll tell you what you’ve been desperate to find out for most of your life.”
I’m staring at him, so angry I can barely speak. “You know what I’m desperate to know, Griggs?” I spit at him. “What did you use on your father? Was it a gun or a knife?”
The room goes sickeningly silent except for the sound of Choi’s footsteps hurrying towards us, like he knows what Griggs’s next move is going to be. But he is too slow, because Griggs has me pinned against the wall, my feet dangling so that we’re eye to eye.
Ben is on him and then Santangelo. Raffaela isclutching onto me but I don’t break eye contact with Griggs. Choi shakes a finger at me, like he’s saying that my time will come and then pulls Griggs away and they walk out.
Ben, Santangelo, and Raffaela are looking at me in shock.
“Are you insane?”
I don’t know who asks and I don’t answer because I feel nothing but a need to get away from everyone. Instinct tells me to go to Hannah’s, but she doesn’t live there anymore and that’s when I realise the major difference between my mother and Hannah. My mother deserted me at the 7-Eleven, hundred of kilometres away from home.
Hannah, however, did the unforgivable.
She deserted me in our own backyard.
As I walk back to the school on my own, I realise I’m crying. So I go back to the stories I’ve read about the five and I try to make sense of their lives because in making sense of theirs, I may understand mine. I say their names over and over again. Narnie, Webb, Tate, Fitz, Jude; Narnie, Webb, Tate, Fitz, Jude; Narnie, Webb, Tate, Fitz, Jude; Narnie, Narnie…
“Narnie! Open the door, Narnie, please!”
Webb’s face had a sick pallor. Tate held on to him, crying, while Fitz paced the corridor outside Narnie’s room.
“Get out of the way,” Jude said, pushing Webb aside. He pounded on the door over and over again. “Fucking open it, Narnie.”
After a while they heard the click of the lock and Jude yanked it open before she could change her mind.
“Narnie?” Webb said, holding her. “Don’t do that to us. Please.”
“What did you take?” Tate asked, shaking her gently.
“Panadol. I had a headache,” she murmured.
“How many?”
“I need to sleep,” she said. “If I sleep, everything will be better.”
Webb led her to the bed and Tate sat down beside her.
Jude watched them fussing over her like they always seemed to. He remembered the story Webb had told him about Narnie in the car on the nightof the accident. It was after Fitz had come by to free them. How Narnie was stuck, frozen with fear, refusing to move. Narnie the fragile one who couldn’t cope with living.
“If you’re going to kill yourself, don’t do it until tomorrow night at ten,” Tate said.
“Promise?” Webb begged.
“I had a headache and it wouldn’t go away. That’s why I rang you, Webb.”
“Cross your heart, hope to die.”
“But she does hope to die,” Jude snapped.
“She knows what I mean,” Tate said.
Narnie crossed her heart.
“That’s not where her heart is,” Jude said bitingly.
“Scano, leave it,” Webb said tiredly.
“Well, it’s not. She just crossed her shoulder blade. What kind of a suicide victim are you, Narnie, when you don’t even know where the life force is that you’re dying to squash? Right here.” He poked her in the heart. “You want to do it properly, you make sure you get yourself right there.”
Narnie looked at him and he felt a wave of self-hatred, but he didn’t care.
“You’re an arsehole, Jude. Big time,” Tate said, almost in tears, putting an arm around Narnie.
“Yeah, I probably am. But I can’t be a part of this deal-making. Screw you, Narnie. If you die, a big chunk of us dies with you.”
He slammed out of the room and even Fitz seemed speechless.
Narnie curled up on the mattress and Tate lay beside her. “We’ll see you guys tomorrow,” she told them.
Webb leaned over, kissing Narnie and then
I’m staring at him, so angry I can barely speak. “You know what I’m desperate to know, Griggs?” I spit at him. “What did you use on your father? Was it a gun or a knife?”
The room goes sickeningly silent except for the sound of Choi’s footsteps hurrying towards us, like he knows what Griggs’s next move is going to be. But he is too slow, because Griggs has me pinned against the wall, my feet dangling so that we’re eye to eye.
Ben is on him and then Santangelo. Raffaela isclutching onto me but I don’t break eye contact with Griggs. Choi shakes a finger at me, like he’s saying that my time will come and then pulls Griggs away and they walk out.
Ben, Santangelo, and Raffaela are looking at me in shock.
“Are you insane?”
I don’t know who asks and I don’t answer because I feel nothing but a need to get away from everyone. Instinct tells me to go to Hannah’s, but she doesn’t live there anymore and that’s when I realise the major difference between my mother and Hannah. My mother deserted me at the 7-Eleven, hundred of kilometres away from home.
Hannah, however, did the unforgivable.
She deserted me in our own backyard.
As I walk back to the school on my own, I realise I’m crying. So I go back to the stories I’ve read about the five and I try to make sense of their lives because in making sense of theirs, I may understand mine. I say their names over and over again. Narnie, Webb, Tate, Fitz, Jude; Narnie, Webb, Tate, Fitz, Jude; Narnie, Webb, Tate, Fitz, Jude; Narnie, Narnie…
“Narnie! Open the door, Narnie, please!”
Webb’s face had a sick pallor. Tate held on to him, crying, while Fitz paced the corridor outside Narnie’s room.
“Get out of the way,” Jude said, pushing Webb aside. He pounded on the door over and over again. “Fucking open it, Narnie.”
After a while they heard the click of the lock and Jude yanked it open before she could change her mind.
“Narnie?” Webb said, holding her. “Don’t do that to us. Please.”
“What did you take?” Tate asked, shaking her gently.
“Panadol. I had a headache,” she murmured.
“How many?”
“I need to sleep,” she said. “If I sleep, everything will be better.”
Webb led her to the bed and Tate sat down beside her.
Jude watched them fussing over her like they always seemed to. He remembered the story Webb had told him about Narnie in the car on the nightof the accident. It was after Fitz had come by to free them. How Narnie was stuck, frozen with fear, refusing to move. Narnie the fragile one who couldn’t cope with living.
“If you’re going to kill yourself, don’t do it until tomorrow night at ten,” Tate said.
“Promise?” Webb begged.
“I had a headache and it wouldn’t go away. That’s why I rang you, Webb.”
“Cross your heart, hope to die.”
“But she does hope to die,” Jude snapped.
“She knows what I mean,” Tate said.
Narnie crossed her heart.
“That’s not where her heart is,” Jude said bitingly.
“Scano, leave it,” Webb said tiredly.
“Well, it’s not. She just crossed her shoulder blade. What kind of a suicide victim are you, Narnie, when you don’t even know where the life force is that you’re dying to squash? Right here.” He poked her in the heart. “You want to do it properly, you make sure you get yourself right there.”
Narnie looked at him and he felt a wave of self-hatred, but he didn’t care.
“You’re an arsehole, Jude. Big time,” Tate said, almost in tears, putting an arm around Narnie.
“Yeah, I probably am. But I can’t be a part of this deal-making. Screw you, Narnie. If you die, a big chunk of us dies with you.”
He slammed out of the room and even Fitz seemed speechless.
Narnie curled up on the mattress and Tate lay beside her. “We’ll see you guys tomorrow,” she told them.
Webb leaned over, kissing Narnie and then
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