It Had to Be You by David Nobbs

be undressing her with their eyes outside every pub in South Kensington. She should not be showing barely suppressed sexual desire for a boss with bushy eyebrows almost twenty years older than her, and especially for one who would be beginning the elaborate process of sacking her in less than half an hour, and who recognised her charms but did not desire her at all, because the only woman he desired in the whole world was one who was gloriously, triumphantly, not his type at all.
    ‘No. No. Thanks. Please. Thanks,’ he said as he tried to disentangle himself from her without causing offence.
    At last he was free from her and he’d thought of a good excuse for delaying his confrontation with her for a few minutes.
    ‘I’ll send for you in a few minutes,’ he said, ‘I just need to phone my mother,’ and he disappeared into his inner sanctum.
    He sat in his large swivel chair at his large desk in his large office and felt very small indeed. That was the trouble with size. It was a double-edged weapon.
    He dialled his mother.
    ‘Hello, Mum.’
    ‘There was no need to ring back, you know. How are you, dear?’
    ‘I’m all right, Mum. How are you?’
    ‘Well, I’m fine. Why shouldn’t I be? I mean, I’m shocked and saddened. You know how fond I always was of Deborah. I said to your father, “You’re wrong about her, you know.”’
    ‘He didn’t like her?’
    ‘Oh, sorry. I forgot you didn’t know that.’
    ‘What was there that he didn’t like?’
    ‘I don’t think it was really about her. He … no.’
    ‘What?’
    ‘I was going to say something I shouldn’t.’
    ‘Well, you can’t not now you’ve started.’
    ‘Oh. Well, for some reason … you know what he was like, I loved him dearly, but he drove me to despair the way he thought so little of people … for some reason he didn’t think you were capable of making a good choice.’
    ‘Of women?’
    ‘Of pretty well everything, actually, really, come to think of it.’
    ‘I see.’
    ‘I knew I shouldn’t have said it. You shouldn’t have made me say it. Anyway, let’s change the subject.’
    Good idea.
    ‘It was so sad, James, about that war hero. Poor boy. Just wanted to have a bit of fun after everything he’d been through. Poor lamb.’
    ‘Yes. Awful.’
    ‘I do hope Deborah wasn’t driving too fast. She did rather, you know.’
    Don’t scream, James. Let it wash over you. And, admit it, you wondered too.
    ‘So, when am I going to see you?’
    His brain became a diary, whipped through all the possibilities.
    ‘I’ll come to tea on Saturday.’
    ‘Good. You’d better go now. I don’t want you getting into trouble.’
    ‘I can’t get into trouble, Mum.’ No, don’t grit your teeth. Learn to be calm, James. It’s not too late. It’s never too late. ‘I run the place.’
    ‘I know you do, darling, and I’m very proud of you. Saturday, then. I think I’ll make a walnut sponge. You like walnuts.’
    If you say so.
    He put the phone down slowly. He gulped. He sighed. His throat was dry. He didn’t think even Alan Sugar would find it easy to sack Marcia.
    He picked up the phone again, hesitated, then rang Sandra Clipstone in Human Resources.
    ‘Sandra, if I wanted to sack somebody, and I’m not saying I do, how do I go about it in this modern age?’
    ‘Ah. If you’re the maverick type and ruthless and don’t give too much of a damn about the consequences you just sack them and hope to get away with it.’
    ‘Right. If I’m not, and I’m not saying I am and I’m not saying I’m not, I’m not sure actually that I know whether I am or not, but if I’m not, what do I do?’
    ‘You give her a verbal warning.’
    ‘I see.’
    ‘Which has to be in writing.’
    ‘That’s a bit ridiculous.’
    ‘It’s a government decision.’
    ‘That explains it. You said “her”. How do you know it’s a woman?’
    ‘Nobody can believe you’ve kept Marcia on so long, James. You’re too soft-hearted to be a Managing