adopt Sean’s take on the whole thing. He said we should hope for the best and proceed cautiously with Shannon.
To try to find a release for my anger I decided to do the onething I thought would help: write Shannon a response. I knew I’d never send it, so I opened the vents and said anything and everything in an attempt to unburden my heart.
Letter to Shannon (never sent)
Dear Shannon,
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to you. When I read your letter I was surprised by how focused you were on the problems that you were facing surrounding this ridiculous situation. My husband asked me if there was anything that you could have written that wouldn’t have upset me. I think he was surprised to hear that my answer was yes. I think a simple note expressing your incredible gratitude would have been sufficient. In addition, an acknowledgment of how unbelievably awful our situation is, and how you are praying for us would have been nice. I wasn’t prepared to hear you compare our situations as equal. And I surely wasn’t prepared to listen to all of your reasons that this is so awful for you. It was like you wanted to go toe to toe about who had it worse. Well…if that is what you want, here you go.
It is unfortunate that you may have to “out” yourself regarding the use of IVF and the facts surrounding the conception of your twin girls. That information should have been able to remain private. Since you chose, for personal reasons, to lead others to believe that your twins were conceived “naturally,” (which I have to say is a term I take great offense to, as it deems IVF children to be what…unnatural?) I can see how it might be awkward to admit that you misled others to believe that you had just been surprisingly “blessed.”
As for you struggling to explain this to your 8th-grade students and your teaching colleagues, we have similar but more staggering dilemmas here. Imagine trying to explain to your twelve-and fourteen-year-old sons that mom is pregnant but has to give the baby away in the delivery room because the baby isn’t hers. Imagine the horror of having to listen to your PARENTS explain what IVF is, and how their sister was conceived. Then imagine them having to explain this to their friends. Of course, this will require explanations to absolutely everyone who is part of our lives. After all, we can’t hide a pregnancy. Everyone knows what we went through to get our daughter. Everyone knows how devoted we are to our children and family. No one would believe that we gave a baby up for adoption, and we would never collude to allow anyone to think that we had another baby die on us. We have no choice but to tell the truth, and the news will spread like wildfire. People we have never met before are going to know our private reproductive business. The thought of this makes me physically ill.
You made many assumptions in your letter about me having a positive experience during this situation. You also assumed that I’d be able to just pick up afterward and go on to have my own child. Please let me explain a few things about the long-term effects that this situation is having on my ability to do just that. I just turned forty. Do you have any idea what that does to my chances of having a successful go at my own embryos? At the very earliest, I’ll be forty-one and a half by the time I’m able to attempt a transfer with my own embryos. At forty, my chances for success plummeted and every passing year after forty drops my chances further. Our goal was to get after our own embryos before I turned forty to increase our chances for success. We had hoped to provide our daughter with a sibling that was close in age to her. It was important to me, especially after losing her twin. Now, all of that has been jeopardized.
I’m sorry that you are haunted with “what ifs” surrounding this situation. Trust me, I couldn’t agree more that your embryos do not belong in my uterus. In fact, there were other
To try to find a release for my anger I decided to do the onething I thought would help: write Shannon a response. I knew I’d never send it, so I opened the vents and said anything and everything in an attempt to unburden my heart.
Letter to Shannon (never sent)
Dear Shannon,
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to you. When I read your letter I was surprised by how focused you were on the problems that you were facing surrounding this ridiculous situation. My husband asked me if there was anything that you could have written that wouldn’t have upset me. I think he was surprised to hear that my answer was yes. I think a simple note expressing your incredible gratitude would have been sufficient. In addition, an acknowledgment of how unbelievably awful our situation is, and how you are praying for us would have been nice. I wasn’t prepared to hear you compare our situations as equal. And I surely wasn’t prepared to listen to all of your reasons that this is so awful for you. It was like you wanted to go toe to toe about who had it worse. Well…if that is what you want, here you go.
It is unfortunate that you may have to “out” yourself regarding the use of IVF and the facts surrounding the conception of your twin girls. That information should have been able to remain private. Since you chose, for personal reasons, to lead others to believe that your twins were conceived “naturally,” (which I have to say is a term I take great offense to, as it deems IVF children to be what…unnatural?) I can see how it might be awkward to admit that you misled others to believe that you had just been surprisingly “blessed.”
As for you struggling to explain this to your 8th-grade students and your teaching colleagues, we have similar but more staggering dilemmas here. Imagine trying to explain to your twelve-and fourteen-year-old sons that mom is pregnant but has to give the baby away in the delivery room because the baby isn’t hers. Imagine the horror of having to listen to your PARENTS explain what IVF is, and how their sister was conceived. Then imagine them having to explain this to their friends. Of course, this will require explanations to absolutely everyone who is part of our lives. After all, we can’t hide a pregnancy. Everyone knows what we went through to get our daughter. Everyone knows how devoted we are to our children and family. No one would believe that we gave a baby up for adoption, and we would never collude to allow anyone to think that we had another baby die on us. We have no choice but to tell the truth, and the news will spread like wildfire. People we have never met before are going to know our private reproductive business. The thought of this makes me physically ill.
You made many assumptions in your letter about me having a positive experience during this situation. You also assumed that I’d be able to just pick up afterward and go on to have my own child. Please let me explain a few things about the long-term effects that this situation is having on my ability to do just that. I just turned forty. Do you have any idea what that does to my chances of having a successful go at my own embryos? At the very earliest, I’ll be forty-one and a half by the time I’m able to attempt a transfer with my own embryos. At forty, my chances for success plummeted and every passing year after forty drops my chances further. Our goal was to get after our own embryos before I turned forty to increase our chances for success. We had hoped to provide our daughter with a sibling that was close in age to her. It was important to me, especially after losing her twin. Now, all of that has been jeopardized.
I’m sorry that you are haunted with “what ifs” surrounding this situation. Trust me, I couldn’t agree more that your embryos do not belong in my uterus. In fact, there were other
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