indirectly, but lying all the same. What is it? What’s your question?”
“How did you pass the drug tests all these years?”
Nick shrugged. “There’s things you can take.” His heart shuttered, putting an invisible barrier between them. “They help mask some things. That’s only for the urinalysis tests though. I only smoked marijuana as a kid from time to time, so that wouldn’t show up, and the academy won’t stop you from being a cop if you smoked a joint or two in the past, as you know. I wasn’t usin’ other stuff back then… just drinking, and it hadn’t gotten to this level. It was the liquor and cocaine that did me in this time. I like to mix them from time to time, especially when real stressed out.” He paused to gather himself before continuing.
“The cocaine wasn’t an all the time thing, I just recently started going in real hard on it, like I told you. That’s why you never knew I was doing it. Don’t beat yourself up about it.” He shrugged. The sound of light chatter, occasional bursts of laughter, and footsteps created a musical background to his vocational demise. The once familiar noises now sounded brand new, fresh, as if he’d never heard them before, and may never hear them again.
“I can’t say the same for the alcohol, but no one knew I was getting high. I can swear to that. Plus…” He paused, not wanting to let his secret kitten out of the bag, but it scratched, clawed and hissed. He knew that no one, not even his damn self, knew who he really was. He was darkness with a voice, moving around like a grim reaper amongst the living, only his mission was not to off others, but to emotionally murder himself. He’d messed his life over for sport, taking his soul down. He’d fucked himself over good ’nd royal. The monster that invited other monsters to seek and destroy…
I fuck shadows…
“Go ahead, you what?” His boss urged.
“I uh,” he leaned forward, forced himself to look the man in the eye. “I discovered a way to find out the testing dates and always made sure I stayed away from the stuff around those times. I know how to pass a lie detector, too…as a just in case…gotta cross all your T’s and dot your I’s.” His lips twisted in an anxiety-ridden smirk. “I know that this is upsetting, Captain. I… I took those classes a couple of years ago as you know, and finished my criminal justice degree so that I could get a shot at my dream. But… I know this changes things; it changes everything.”
The man looked at him in complete disbelief.
“I guess this knocks me out of the box for promotion to homicide detective…”
“Jesus Christ…” Captain O’Sullivan threw up his hands and briefly turned away. “That’s that sneaky liability shit I was talking about! You’ve got a criminal mind, you son of a bitch. Passing lie detector tests?! That’s damn near impossible!”
“Yeah.” He scratched his head and sucked his teeth, feeling like a true blue conman, spilling his guts for the guy to see. He knew he could have just kept on pretending, maintained his job, scaled back on his usage, but he’d still be preoccupied and disturbed, running from the truth of his fucked up existence, and eventually, it would blow up in his face, leaving a powdery, white residue for all to see. This way, things happened on his terms. He would go out in the fashion he felt suited him. Like a damn boss…
Outlaws…
“It gets exhausting though, always looking over your shoulder,” he continued as he looked past the man and out the window behind him. The sun looked cheerfully yellow, mocking his memorial. “…Wondering if your mind slipped, worried about a possible random drug test that I knew nothin’ about.”
“Random…” Captain O’Sullivan shook his head. “Yeah, right.”
“Yeah, they were supposed to be, but seldom were they unsystematic if we just paid attention. So I’d lay off the cocaine even more so during those times and since I
“How did you pass the drug tests all these years?”
Nick shrugged. “There’s things you can take.” His heart shuttered, putting an invisible barrier between them. “They help mask some things. That’s only for the urinalysis tests though. I only smoked marijuana as a kid from time to time, so that wouldn’t show up, and the academy won’t stop you from being a cop if you smoked a joint or two in the past, as you know. I wasn’t usin’ other stuff back then… just drinking, and it hadn’t gotten to this level. It was the liquor and cocaine that did me in this time. I like to mix them from time to time, especially when real stressed out.” He paused to gather himself before continuing.
“The cocaine wasn’t an all the time thing, I just recently started going in real hard on it, like I told you. That’s why you never knew I was doing it. Don’t beat yourself up about it.” He shrugged. The sound of light chatter, occasional bursts of laughter, and footsteps created a musical background to his vocational demise. The once familiar noises now sounded brand new, fresh, as if he’d never heard them before, and may never hear them again.
“I can’t say the same for the alcohol, but no one knew I was getting high. I can swear to that. Plus…” He paused, not wanting to let his secret kitten out of the bag, but it scratched, clawed and hissed. He knew that no one, not even his damn self, knew who he really was. He was darkness with a voice, moving around like a grim reaper amongst the living, only his mission was not to off others, but to emotionally murder himself. He’d messed his life over for sport, taking his soul down. He’d fucked himself over good ’nd royal. The monster that invited other monsters to seek and destroy…
I fuck shadows…
“Go ahead, you what?” His boss urged.
“I uh,” he leaned forward, forced himself to look the man in the eye. “I discovered a way to find out the testing dates and always made sure I stayed away from the stuff around those times. I know how to pass a lie detector, too…as a just in case…gotta cross all your T’s and dot your I’s.” His lips twisted in an anxiety-ridden smirk. “I know that this is upsetting, Captain. I… I took those classes a couple of years ago as you know, and finished my criminal justice degree so that I could get a shot at my dream. But… I know this changes things; it changes everything.”
The man looked at him in complete disbelief.
“I guess this knocks me out of the box for promotion to homicide detective…”
“Jesus Christ…” Captain O’Sullivan threw up his hands and briefly turned away. “That’s that sneaky liability shit I was talking about! You’ve got a criminal mind, you son of a bitch. Passing lie detector tests?! That’s damn near impossible!”
“Yeah.” He scratched his head and sucked his teeth, feeling like a true blue conman, spilling his guts for the guy to see. He knew he could have just kept on pretending, maintained his job, scaled back on his usage, but he’d still be preoccupied and disturbed, running from the truth of his fucked up existence, and eventually, it would blow up in his face, leaving a powdery, white residue for all to see. This way, things happened on his terms. He would go out in the fashion he felt suited him. Like a damn boss…
Outlaws…
“It gets exhausting though, always looking over your shoulder,” he continued as he looked past the man and out the window behind him. The sun looked cheerfully yellow, mocking his memorial. “…Wondering if your mind slipped, worried about a possible random drug test that I knew nothin’ about.”
“Random…” Captain O’Sullivan shook his head. “Yeah, right.”
“Yeah, they were supposed to be, but seldom were they unsystematic if we just paid attention. So I’d lay off the cocaine even more so during those times and since I
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