with…everybody.
LAY OVER
One of the most important keys to a successful one-night stand is having an exit strategy. First of all, no one wants to sleep next to a random person. I don’t even want to sleep next to someone I like. There’s only room for three arms to be resting comfortably in bed, and the fourth never has any place to go. I believe one-night stands are like rescuing someone from a burning building. You want to get in and out as quickly as possible, and then, maybe, you call a few days later to make sure everyone’s OK. If you’re at someone else’s place, you need to leave as soon as you open your eyes. Breakfast? You gotta be kidding me. You’ll be lucky if you get a wall post. And if you leave now maybe I won’t even Twitter about it.
In my bedroom in LA, my bed is purposely set eight to ten inches away from the wall. This allows me to sleep undisturbed while the girl makes a quick and easy exit in the morning. And by “sleep undisturbed” I mean pretend to be passed out until she leaves and I can finally take a shit. But in an effort to heed my own advice, when I’m at a girl’s place, sometimes I overcompensate and leave too early. I’ll go to the bathroom right after sex and never come back. I’ve been told this is offensive.
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GLOSSARY
SEXUAL LOITERING
When last night’s conquest does not leave promptly the next morning. Should be illegal.
----
I once hooked up with a girl at my place and the next morning we exchanged pleasantries and got dressed. But she didn’t leave. I actually left her in my apartment, went out and ran errands, then came back and she was still there. I turned the heat up all the way and tried to sweat her out. Nothing. I started to concoct arduous tasks that I needed to do that day in order to try to get rid of her (“Um, I really need to wash the windows”). She offered to help. I jumped in the shower. She joined me, uninvited. I peed in the shower, she didn’t care. She would not leave. I was seriously thinking about calling the cops to remove her. I was wasted the night before. Who knows? I could have taken home a well-dressed homeless chick. She finally left around 7:30 p.m. It was a one- day stand.
What I’ve never understood is why girls are always so self-conscious about getting dressed the morning after. We’ve been naked hooking up all night and now you’re trying to put your thong back on without lifting your ass from the bed? You’re so adamant about not letting me see your breasts again that you’re desperately trying to wiggle back into your bra without taking your shirt off first? And it’s such a struggle too. I’ve watched chicks almost dislocate their own shoulders like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 2. Why didn’t you pull that kinky shit when we were hooking up?
Another question I often get from my female readers is “Why didn’t he call?” Ladies, if you hook up with a guy and then he never calls you, there are really only a few possible reasons: one, he was already seeing someone else and that relationship has since gotten more serious; two, you’re not nearly as cute in person as you look on Facebook; three, you didn’t fuck him; or four, you did fuck him. I realize those last two are confusing, but those are the facts of life when dealing with a swinging bachelor. The phrase “I’ll call you later” can either mean “I’ll hit you up in a few hours” or “I’ll talk to you when we awkwardly bump into each other in a few months and I try desperately not to make it seem obvious that I’m racking my brain to remember who the fuck you are.”
LOST AND FOUND
Why do chicks always leave something at my place? Thongs I understand. They’re fucking invisible. But why can’t girls remember that they were wearing those big J.Lo hoop earrings that went out of style five years ago? They’re right on my nightstand. And when the girl inevitably texts me to get her belongings back, I often outsource the
LAY OVER
One of the most important keys to a successful one-night stand is having an exit strategy. First of all, no one wants to sleep next to a random person. I don’t even want to sleep next to someone I like. There’s only room for three arms to be resting comfortably in bed, and the fourth never has any place to go. I believe one-night stands are like rescuing someone from a burning building. You want to get in and out as quickly as possible, and then, maybe, you call a few days later to make sure everyone’s OK. If you’re at someone else’s place, you need to leave as soon as you open your eyes. Breakfast? You gotta be kidding me. You’ll be lucky if you get a wall post. And if you leave now maybe I won’t even Twitter about it.
In my bedroom in LA, my bed is purposely set eight to ten inches away from the wall. This allows me to sleep undisturbed while the girl makes a quick and easy exit in the morning. And by “sleep undisturbed” I mean pretend to be passed out until she leaves and I can finally take a shit. But in an effort to heed my own advice, when I’m at a girl’s place, sometimes I overcompensate and leave too early. I’ll go to the bathroom right after sex and never come back. I’ve been told this is offensive.
----
GLOSSARY
SEXUAL LOITERING
When last night’s conquest does not leave promptly the next morning. Should be illegal.
----
I once hooked up with a girl at my place and the next morning we exchanged pleasantries and got dressed. But she didn’t leave. I actually left her in my apartment, went out and ran errands, then came back and she was still there. I turned the heat up all the way and tried to sweat her out. Nothing. I started to concoct arduous tasks that I needed to do that day in order to try to get rid of her (“Um, I really need to wash the windows”). She offered to help. I jumped in the shower. She joined me, uninvited. I peed in the shower, she didn’t care. She would not leave. I was seriously thinking about calling the cops to remove her. I was wasted the night before. Who knows? I could have taken home a well-dressed homeless chick. She finally left around 7:30 p.m. It was a one- day stand.
What I’ve never understood is why girls are always so self-conscious about getting dressed the morning after. We’ve been naked hooking up all night and now you’re trying to put your thong back on without lifting your ass from the bed? You’re so adamant about not letting me see your breasts again that you’re desperately trying to wiggle back into your bra without taking your shirt off first? And it’s such a struggle too. I’ve watched chicks almost dislocate their own shoulders like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 2. Why didn’t you pull that kinky shit when we were hooking up?
Another question I often get from my female readers is “Why didn’t he call?” Ladies, if you hook up with a guy and then he never calls you, there are really only a few possible reasons: one, he was already seeing someone else and that relationship has since gotten more serious; two, you’re not nearly as cute in person as you look on Facebook; three, you didn’t fuck him; or four, you did fuck him. I realize those last two are confusing, but those are the facts of life when dealing with a swinging bachelor. The phrase “I’ll call you later” can either mean “I’ll hit you up in a few hours” or “I’ll talk to you when we awkwardly bump into each other in a few months and I try desperately not to make it seem obvious that I’m racking my brain to remember who the fuck you are.”
LOST AND FOUND
Why do chicks always leave something at my place? Thongs I understand. They’re fucking invisible. But why can’t girls remember that they were wearing those big J.Lo hoop earrings that went out of style five years ago? They’re right on my nightstand. And when the girl inevitably texts me to get her belongings back, I often outsource the