hands to hide my face. “God, I feel so stupid…”
Struggling to hold it together, I fight the tears of humiliation burning behind my eyes. Seeing it, Zeke pulls my hand away from my face and moves my chin to face him.
“Hey, look at me,” he says quietly, his voice still distorted. “Don’t do that.”
“I’m not doing anything,” I argue, knowing he’ll see through me but too proud to admit he’s right.
“You don’t have any reason to feel stupid, baby,” he says, the endearment warming me as he begins wiping my tears. “If you think I don’t want to have sex with you, you’re crazy, but you’re not stupid.”
“I don’t understand, Zeke. I’m not even that drunk,” I lie, stumbling over my words, pulling a look of disbelief from him. “Okay, maybe I am, but I knew I wanted to do this before I got that way. I only drank because I was nervous.”
“Addie, you shouldn’t have to drink to do this,” he argues. “If you really wanted this, it wouldn’t have taken seven shots to get your there.”
“Don’t tell me what I want,” I argue, shaking my head. “I know what I want, I know what I’m doing, Zeke.”
“Okay,” he nods, holding my eyes. “Do you know why you’re doing it, Addie?”
“What?”
“Why do you want to have sex with me?”
As I run my eyes over him, I have a surprising moment of lucidness as I make my confession.
“Look, I have no idea what’s going to happen once we go to school. Maybe it will all work out and we’ll get through the next four years fine. Maybe both of us will get a job somewhere cool like Atlanta and we’ll move in together and everything will be perfect,” I start, my eyes heavy. “But what if it’s not? What if we’re wrong and this whole summer is just some crazy shit we did once? What if one of us wakes up in a month, realizes it’s too hard and decides to call the whole thing off?”
“Do you really think that’s what’s gonna happen?” he asks, his voice low.
“No… I don’t know, Zeke,” I confess, giving him a slight shrug. “But I know how I feel about you right now. And I know I don’t want to go to college a virgin and end up giving it up to some random guy,” I tell him. “If everything works out fine, then the fact that we were drinking won’t matter in ten years, but if there’s even a shot that it won’t, I don’t want anyone else to have it.”
“I don’t want anyone else to have it either,” he admits, brushing the hair away from my face. “But I can’t take it while we’re drunk, babe. It’s not right.”
Knowing I’ve hit a brick wall, I nod slowly and move myself out from under him with a sigh. Humiliation and rejection course through me like wildfire as I pull my tank top back over my chest and move to stand up.
“Addie…” he starts, but I shake my head and cut him off.
“I’ll be back.”
“Addie, I’m sorry,” he offers as I stumble toward the door. “I’m not saying we can’t, I just…”
“I’m fine,” I cut him off again, steadying myself with the help of the wall and hating the lie. “I just need a minute.”
As I pull the door shut behind me, the tears threaten as I make my way to the bathroom. Shutting myself in, I twist the knobs in the shower on and after pulling my clothes off, I step inside and savor in the comfort of the hot water falling over my skin.
If it wasn’t for the tight feeling in my chest, I may not have even felt the tears falling down my cheeks.
Chapter Fifteen
Zeke
After I watch her pull her bedroom door shut, I let out a sigh of frustration and guilt as I rub my palms over my eyes. The last thing I ever want is to hurt her feelings or make her think I don’t want her. Even without the evidence in my pants, I thought I’d made it clear that an assumption like that couldn’t be further from the truth.
When I hear the water turning
Struggling to hold it together, I fight the tears of humiliation burning behind my eyes. Seeing it, Zeke pulls my hand away from my face and moves my chin to face him.
“Hey, look at me,” he says quietly, his voice still distorted. “Don’t do that.”
“I’m not doing anything,” I argue, knowing he’ll see through me but too proud to admit he’s right.
“You don’t have any reason to feel stupid, baby,” he says, the endearment warming me as he begins wiping my tears. “If you think I don’t want to have sex with you, you’re crazy, but you’re not stupid.”
“I don’t understand, Zeke. I’m not even that drunk,” I lie, stumbling over my words, pulling a look of disbelief from him. “Okay, maybe I am, but I knew I wanted to do this before I got that way. I only drank because I was nervous.”
“Addie, you shouldn’t have to drink to do this,” he argues. “If you really wanted this, it wouldn’t have taken seven shots to get your there.”
“Don’t tell me what I want,” I argue, shaking my head. “I know what I want, I know what I’m doing, Zeke.”
“Okay,” he nods, holding my eyes. “Do you know why you’re doing it, Addie?”
“What?”
“Why do you want to have sex with me?”
As I run my eyes over him, I have a surprising moment of lucidness as I make my confession.
“Look, I have no idea what’s going to happen once we go to school. Maybe it will all work out and we’ll get through the next four years fine. Maybe both of us will get a job somewhere cool like Atlanta and we’ll move in together and everything will be perfect,” I start, my eyes heavy. “But what if it’s not? What if we’re wrong and this whole summer is just some crazy shit we did once? What if one of us wakes up in a month, realizes it’s too hard and decides to call the whole thing off?”
“Do you really think that’s what’s gonna happen?” he asks, his voice low.
“No… I don’t know, Zeke,” I confess, giving him a slight shrug. “But I know how I feel about you right now. And I know I don’t want to go to college a virgin and end up giving it up to some random guy,” I tell him. “If everything works out fine, then the fact that we were drinking won’t matter in ten years, but if there’s even a shot that it won’t, I don’t want anyone else to have it.”
“I don’t want anyone else to have it either,” he admits, brushing the hair away from my face. “But I can’t take it while we’re drunk, babe. It’s not right.”
Knowing I’ve hit a brick wall, I nod slowly and move myself out from under him with a sigh. Humiliation and rejection course through me like wildfire as I pull my tank top back over my chest and move to stand up.
“Addie…” he starts, but I shake my head and cut him off.
“I’ll be back.”
“Addie, I’m sorry,” he offers as I stumble toward the door. “I’m not saying we can’t, I just…”
“I’m fine,” I cut him off again, steadying myself with the help of the wall and hating the lie. “I just need a minute.”
As I pull the door shut behind me, the tears threaten as I make my way to the bathroom. Shutting myself in, I twist the knobs in the shower on and after pulling my clothes off, I step inside and savor in the comfort of the hot water falling over my skin.
If it wasn’t for the tight feeling in my chest, I may not have even felt the tears falling down my cheeks.
Chapter Fifteen
Zeke
After I watch her pull her bedroom door shut, I let out a sigh of frustration and guilt as I rub my palms over my eyes. The last thing I ever want is to hurt her feelings or make her think I don’t want her. Even without the evidence in my pants, I thought I’d made it clear that an assumption like that couldn’t be further from the truth.
When I hear the water turning
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