I have
of her, broken by secrets. Splintered
by pain. Escorted into the night, out
of our lives. Does she really dare
try to reenter now? What if I decide
to let her back in? I’m guessing
I’d be crematorium fuel. No
coffin. No flowers. Just a hot
white fire, melting me into
bone fragments and ashes.
Then Again, the Sad Fact Is
My parents might think cremation
too good for me. As I slide books
into my backpack, it comes to me
they might just weight me down
and throw me into Cachuma.
Down, down, into that cold blue
lake I’d go, no one the wiser.
Who would even miss me?
Maybe Ian, but after the last
couple of days, I’m not so sure.
We’ve got drama today.
Hopefully our little love
scene will warm him (me?)
up some and we can talk
after. A long conversation,
like we used to have all
the time. That’s what we need.
But first I have to get to
school. Which means it’s time
to poke the sleeping bear.
As Expected
It’s a less than pleasant
experience, starting with
the obnoxious breath
coming out of his open
mouth. “Daddy? Wake
up. You’ll be late for work.”
He snorts and his eyes
flutter open. Wha…?
What happened? Where
am I? What time is it?
“You’re in the living
room. You fell asleep
on the sofa. It’s a little
after seven and I have to
hurry to catch the bus.”
After seven? He jumps
upright, too fast. I can
see the pounding in his
temples. Why didn’t you
wake me sooner?
“I tried, but you went
back to sleep, I guess.”
Total lie. But he’ll never
know it. And right now,
all he’s thinking about
is how his head feels.
Shit. I’ve got a heavy
docket today. Finally
his eyes focus. And I
feel like a truck ran
over the top of my head.
“Sorry you don’t feel
well, Daddy. But I’ve
got to run. See you later,
okay?” I grit my teeth
and take a step toward
the front door.
That’s as far as I get.
Daddy’s hand clamps
around my wrist. Wait
just a minute. Do you
remember last night?
Now my teeth grind
uncomfortably. What
about last night, exactly,
does he want to discuss?
“Uh, sure, Daddy.”
All right, then. No rides
with any Brittanys,
okay? I want you all
in one piece. He doesn’t
say just what for.
So of Course
Who comes chugging up
as I wait for the bus
but the very Brittany
in question. Wanna ride?
She’s alone in the car,
an explanation at the ready.
The guys got in trouble
for being late yesterday.
Well, so did I, but I don’t
want to talk about it. “Ah.”
Get in. My mom bought me
all new tires, so you’re safe.
Not really, but I don’t want
to say that, either. “Um…”
You’re not scared, are you?
She almost looks hurt.
I glance around, see no sign
of Daddy. “Oh, why not?”
Cool. Let’s go. Don’t want
to be late two days in a row!
No, we most definitely
don’t want that.
We Actually Arrive
Ten minutes early. And I have
to admit even Brittany’s nonstop
chatter wasn’t as bad as listening
to freshmen guys talk about zits.
I can’t believe I actually defied
Daddy in such an overt manner.
But it feels good. Even better,
in fact, than missing the zit talk.
At least as long as I don’t get
caught. That probably wouldn’t
feel too great. So far so good,
though you never know where
his spies might be hiding. No
use worrying about them now.
Brittany parks. A bit crooked,
but what else could I expect?
She giggles. Even new tires
can’t help my peripheral vision.
I’m supposed to wear glasses,
but they make me look ugly.
Oh, wonderful. I can just see
the news: Judge’s daughter
killed in accident with not-ugly
half-blind friend at the wheel.
I File That Away
Thank Brittany for the ride,
head toward the human knots
clogging the locker breezeways.
Pre-first-bell yells. Catcalls.
Laughter. A few tears.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
But just as I reach my own
locker, a loud guffaw makes
me turn to search for its source.
It’s Shaun,
of her, broken by secrets. Splintered
by pain. Escorted into the night, out
of our lives. Does she really dare
try to reenter now? What if I decide
to let her back in? I’m guessing
I’d be crematorium fuel. No
coffin. No flowers. Just a hot
white fire, melting me into
bone fragments and ashes.
Then Again, the Sad Fact Is
My parents might think cremation
too good for me. As I slide books
into my backpack, it comes to me
they might just weight me down
and throw me into Cachuma.
Down, down, into that cold blue
lake I’d go, no one the wiser.
Who would even miss me?
Maybe Ian, but after the last
couple of days, I’m not so sure.
We’ve got drama today.
Hopefully our little love
scene will warm him (me?)
up some and we can talk
after. A long conversation,
like we used to have all
the time. That’s what we need.
But first I have to get to
school. Which means it’s time
to poke the sleeping bear.
As Expected
It’s a less than pleasant
experience, starting with
the obnoxious breath
coming out of his open
mouth. “Daddy? Wake
up. You’ll be late for work.”
He snorts and his eyes
flutter open. Wha…?
What happened? Where
am I? What time is it?
“You’re in the living
room. You fell asleep
on the sofa. It’s a little
after seven and I have to
hurry to catch the bus.”
After seven? He jumps
upright, too fast. I can
see the pounding in his
temples. Why didn’t you
wake me sooner?
“I tried, but you went
back to sleep, I guess.”
Total lie. But he’ll never
know it. And right now,
all he’s thinking about
is how his head feels.
Shit. I’ve got a heavy
docket today. Finally
his eyes focus. And I
feel like a truck ran
over the top of my head.
“Sorry you don’t feel
well, Daddy. But I’ve
got to run. See you later,
okay?” I grit my teeth
and take a step toward
the front door.
That’s as far as I get.
Daddy’s hand clamps
around my wrist. Wait
just a minute. Do you
remember last night?
Now my teeth grind
uncomfortably. What
about last night, exactly,
does he want to discuss?
“Uh, sure, Daddy.”
All right, then. No rides
with any Brittanys,
okay? I want you all
in one piece. He doesn’t
say just what for.
So of Course
Who comes chugging up
as I wait for the bus
but the very Brittany
in question. Wanna ride?
She’s alone in the car,
an explanation at the ready.
The guys got in trouble
for being late yesterday.
Well, so did I, but I don’t
want to talk about it. “Ah.”
Get in. My mom bought me
all new tires, so you’re safe.
Not really, but I don’t want
to say that, either. “Um…”
You’re not scared, are you?
She almost looks hurt.
I glance around, see no sign
of Daddy. “Oh, why not?”
Cool. Let’s go. Don’t want
to be late two days in a row!
No, we most definitely
don’t want that.
We Actually Arrive
Ten minutes early. And I have
to admit even Brittany’s nonstop
chatter wasn’t as bad as listening
to freshmen guys talk about zits.
I can’t believe I actually defied
Daddy in such an overt manner.
But it feels good. Even better,
in fact, than missing the zit talk.
At least as long as I don’t get
caught. That probably wouldn’t
feel too great. So far so good,
though you never know where
his spies might be hiding. No
use worrying about them now.
Brittany parks. A bit crooked,
but what else could I expect?
She giggles. Even new tires
can’t help my peripheral vision.
I’m supposed to wear glasses,
but they make me look ugly.
Oh, wonderful. I can just see
the news: Judge’s daughter
killed in accident with not-ugly
half-blind friend at the wheel.
I File That Away
Thank Brittany for the ride,
head toward the human knots
clogging the locker breezeways.
Pre-first-bell yells. Catcalls.
Laughter. A few tears.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
But just as I reach my own
locker, a loud guffaw makes
me turn to search for its source.
It’s Shaun,
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