I Think You're Totally Wrong by David Shields

I do think there were some very odd things about 9/11.
    CALEB: Don’t tell me you’re a Truther.
    DAVID: I’m not, but still, Osama’s family being allowed to leave the U.S.? Someone gave Bush a memo in early 2001: Osama is going to attack the U.S. with hijacked planes on U.S. soil. Bush thanks the CIA person, says, “You can now consider your ass covered. Thanks. I’ll file it under ‘W.’ ”
    CALEB: Osama, or Al-Qaeda, had already attacked U.S. embassies in Africa. Newspapers regularly published stuff like “Al-Qaeda promises attacks on U.S. soil.” They still do. There probably have been thousands of threats made in 2011 alone that intelligence has picked up, and one of themmight happen, and when it does, there will be a conspiracy that “we knew and let it happen.”
    DAVID: I still think it’s amazing how Bush avoided all blame for 9/11, whereas if it had happened on Obama’s watch, I don’t want to even contemplate what would have happened to him. The left never really attacked Bush, specifically, about 9/11. How’d he escape that?
    CALEB: Escape? The left shredded Bush nonstop. They still are.

    CALEB: The hot tub sounds nice. I’m glad you wanted to do this. I was wondering—soft city slicker?
    DAVID: City slicker?
    CALEB: You ever change a flat tire?
    DAVID: No.
    CALEB: I told Terry, “I bet he’s never changed a flat tire.” She says, “You’re not going to ask him that, are you?”
    DAVID: You can ask me anything. Laurie does everything. She’s Ms. Mechanical.
    CALEB: So you’re in the middle of nowhere, you get a flat, and she changes it?
    DAVID: Well, we’ve never had that happen, but if it did, we’d call AAA.
    CALEB: Ai-yai-yai.
    DAVID: Is that horrible? You do construction, and that’s thelast thing I could do. I married my polar opposite. Laurie’s handy and reasonable in ways I’m not. I’m like Bertrand Russell, who didn’t know how to boil water. She’s incredibly practical. You do all the handyman work?
    CALEB: Pretty much. Terry gardens. I dig the holes. Even changing lightbulbs—stuff she could do—she’ll have me do.
    DAVID: So she’s not handy at all?
    CALEB: She’s self-reliant. If I’m not around, she’ll take out the trash, but she works, and these things become my responsibility. She supports the family.
    DAVID: I’m like Terry. In a good year, between the UW and all my other teaching gigs and publishing stuff, I make two hundred grand.
    CALEB: Damn.

    DAVID: What would we do if we saw a bear? What are you supposed to do? I forget.
    CALEB: It depends: grizzly, black, brown bear. Actually, I don’t know—run, punch ’im in the nose, create a diversion, play dead?
    DAVID: That would be scary. You play dead, he might come and bite you.
    CALEB: Mainly, if it’s a mother protecting her cubs: danger.
    DAVID: Wow, that’s quite a waterfall. It’s beautiful. Just beautiful.
    CALEB: Funny, how useful that word is in life. Just look and marvel: the lake. We made it!
    DAVID: I’m glad we made it.

    DAVID: Going back, downhill, do you make sure your speed doesn’t build up?
    CALEB: It’s hard on the knees. I climbed Huayna Picchu, almost straight up and down, 800 meters. (I’m “life-dropping,” subtly inserting how I went to Machu Picchu.) It’s cake compared to K2, but it was hard.
    DAVID: How’s your Spanish?
    CALEB:
No es malo
. It has problems. I’m functional, conversational, but when it’s fast I miss a lot.

    CALEB: There’s something appealing in an artist who turns toward contradictions, a troubled and tormented artist who seeks pain. There’s mystique, validity, even credibility. You may disagree, but one thing I’ve observed in your writing is that you seem like you almost wish you had suffered more than you actually have.
    DAVID: Then you’re a