I Know I've Been Changed by Reshonda Tate Billingsley Page B

college so I can get a degree and get out of Sweet Poke.”
    Reno reached out and took my hand. “Why are you always talking about leaving Sweet Poke? This is your home.”
    I jerked my hand away. “News flash! I’m bigger than this. And a baby will mess up my plans.”
    “Don’t say that. This is a blessing.”
    I rolled my eyes and threw up my hands. My head was pounding and Reno was about to get on my last nerve.
    “Reno, you graduated last year,” I calmly tried to explain. “You don’t have a job. You live with your mama and your eleven brothers and sisters.”
    “And?”
    Now it was my turn to look at him like he was crazy. “ And , where would we live?” I couldn’t believe he was seriously thinking we should have this baby. As much as I loved him, he knew a baby wasn’t in my future. At least not anytime soon.
    “We could get our own place. I can get a job at the railroad and we could be one big happy family.” Reno nodded his head like he had it all figured out.
    “Yeah, and we can get us a farm, some chickens, and, hey, let’s spring for some cows. And maybe I can gets me a job cleaning white folks’ houses.”
    “Stop being silly.”
    “You the one being silly if you think I’m about to have a baby. Then I’ll be pregnant again next year, then the year after that. You won’t stop until I have seven kids and I’m stuck here in Sweet Poke the rest of my life.” I sighed deeply, regretting that I had even told him about the baby. I should have just borrowed the money and gone ahead and had an abortion on my own. I don’t know what I was thinking.
    Reno stepped toward me and rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “What if I tell you I don’t want you to do this. That I want you to have my baby.”
    I exhaled as I continued to fight off the tears. “I would say, let me hit that crack pipe you smoking.”
    “I’m serious, Rae.” He tried to pull me toward him. “You graduate in a few months. We could do this.”
    I pulled myself from his grasp and pulled my emotions in check. “Reno, this isn’t open for discussion. Are you going to give me the money or not?”
    “So you would really kill our baby?”
    I bit down on my lip. He made me seem like a cold-blooded killer. “You know what, Reno, go to hell. I’ll take care of this on my own!”
    With that, I stormed off, leaving Reno leaning up against his 1979 pickup truck. I refused to have this baby, mess up my life, and end up like my sister. With or without Reno’s help, I was going to do what I had to do.
     
    I shivered as I thought of that day. I had borrowed the money from a guy named Felton, who had a huge crush on me throughout high school. I had gone crying on his shoulder and he liked me so much he gave me the money. He wanted to go with me, but I wouldn’t let him. I had gone by myself to Little Rock to have an abortion. It was the loneliest, most horrible day of my life. I had come close so many times to backing out. Reno’s words about me killing our baby rang in my head all the way there. The only thing that kept me strong was my desire to leave Sweet Poke.
    I cried like a baby when I left that clinic. In fact, I sat in the ladies’ room of the bus station and cried for a good two hours. But I’d finally pulled myself together and headed home.
    I glanced back down at the picture of Reno. He had been so furious with me. It had taken him almost a month before he would even talk to me again. But we did get back together and eventually things returned to normal. Neither he nor I ever mentioned the baby again.
    Felton, on the other hand, had flipped out when he found out I’d got back together with Reno. He accused me of using him and even stalked me for a little while. But he ended up getting arrested for something and I no longer had to deal with him.
    After that, I stopped sleeping with Reno. I just couldn’t chance something like that happening again. Maybe that was part of the reason he went to Ann Paxton. I don’t