she needn’t have bought me anything, but she’d insisted I could use some magic in my life (having just been through another break-up). I would have preferred a bottle of wine, an overpriced box of Belgian chocolates and a one-way ticket to the Maldives, but beggars can’t be choosers.
I slid my finger under the cardboard seal on the box and lifted the flap. Tilting the box to the side, the lamp slid out. A pink, plastic Aladdin-shaped lamp with —get this —a touch screen! Move over iPhone. I giggled at the silliness of it, this fake lamp, providing some sort of imaginary hope to down-and-out suckers in need of a miracle.
“Okay then, magic lamp. Let’s see what you’ve got.” Might as well humour Valerie, even though she wasn’t here. At least I could tell her I’d used the lamp next time I saw her.
I pressed the ON button.
Congratulations on receiving this magic lamp. Your life is about to change.
A magical jingle sounded.
Geez, how stupid do they think I am?
There were three icons on the screen: Make Wishes, Terms and Conditions, and My Account. I clicked Make Wishes. A little keyboard appeared on the screen underneath the words please type in your wishes.
“Hmmm, let’s see. What should I wish for?” I dramatically tapped my temple. “I know!”
I typed:
To lose two dress sizes.
Second wish:
To have bigger boobs.
Third wish... um...oh, of course!
World peace.
There. Done. All was good with the world.
Error. The Terms and Conditions state that you cannot wish to change your appearance for aesthetic reasons and you cannot wish for something that doesn’t directly affect you. Please choose another wish.
“What? Ripped off!”
I went to put the silly lamp back in its box but something made me hesitate. Maybe I was just procrastinating, not wanting to tidy up or attempt following the Ridiculous Instructions again, but this lamp had me intrigued. I wanted to see what the lamp would have to say for itself after submitting my wishes that sure as hell wouldn’t come true.
Okay, take two. I wish for...
A beautiful, tidy house that never needs cleaning, complete with my very own purpose-built studio.
One down, two to go.
An endless supply of credit that never has to be paid off.
And...what else? What would be really nice to have in my life? A smile teased its way up into my cheek.
“I know! A Greek God who adores me and never wants to leave my side.” I nodded my satisfaction as I quickly typed in the third and final wish and pressed submit.
Please wait while your wishes are being processed. Tiny stars danced around in circles on the screen.
I bet it keeps processing forever and ever.
A chime sounded. Your wishes have been approved. Please stand by for immediate shipping.
I laughed. They really went all out with this thing. I squinted as the screen flashed incredibly bright and the words first wish granted appeared. Ha! Yeah right. I glanced up, then back at the lamp, and then did a double take.
What the hell?
Clothes hung neatly in my wardrobe, organised by colour and garment type. The mess of junk on the top shelf had vanished, replaced by neat rows of labelled storage boxes. My eyes bulged and I scrambled to my feet and looked around the room. Dizzy, I held onto the wall as I took in the perfectly made bed with colour-coordinated decorative cushions, a stylish magazine holder in the corner with my collection of Crafty Business magazines, and no laundry basket in sight.
“Holy cow.”
I crept out into the living room, my knees buckling under me as a sight worthy of Vogue magazine greeted me. No art materials invaded my space, everything was expertly arranged and decorated, and the pink paint I’d accidentally splattered in the corner of the room had vanished.
“Oh my God.”
I rushed through to the gleaming kitchen with state of the art appliances and glimpsed something through the back door. An extra room! I almost tripped over my own feet as I stumbled out back to find
I slid my finger under the cardboard seal on the box and lifted the flap. Tilting the box to the side, the lamp slid out. A pink, plastic Aladdin-shaped lamp with —get this —a touch screen! Move over iPhone. I giggled at the silliness of it, this fake lamp, providing some sort of imaginary hope to down-and-out suckers in need of a miracle.
“Okay then, magic lamp. Let’s see what you’ve got.” Might as well humour Valerie, even though she wasn’t here. At least I could tell her I’d used the lamp next time I saw her.
I pressed the ON button.
Congratulations on receiving this magic lamp. Your life is about to change.
A magical jingle sounded.
Geez, how stupid do they think I am?
There were three icons on the screen: Make Wishes, Terms and Conditions, and My Account. I clicked Make Wishes. A little keyboard appeared on the screen underneath the words please type in your wishes.
“Hmmm, let’s see. What should I wish for?” I dramatically tapped my temple. “I know!”
I typed:
To lose two dress sizes.
Second wish:
To have bigger boobs.
Third wish... um...oh, of course!
World peace.
There. Done. All was good with the world.
Error. The Terms and Conditions state that you cannot wish to change your appearance for aesthetic reasons and you cannot wish for something that doesn’t directly affect you. Please choose another wish.
“What? Ripped off!”
I went to put the silly lamp back in its box but something made me hesitate. Maybe I was just procrastinating, not wanting to tidy up or attempt following the Ridiculous Instructions again, but this lamp had me intrigued. I wanted to see what the lamp would have to say for itself after submitting my wishes that sure as hell wouldn’t come true.
Okay, take two. I wish for...
A beautiful, tidy house that never needs cleaning, complete with my very own purpose-built studio.
One down, two to go.
An endless supply of credit that never has to be paid off.
And...what else? What would be really nice to have in my life? A smile teased its way up into my cheek.
“I know! A Greek God who adores me and never wants to leave my side.” I nodded my satisfaction as I quickly typed in the third and final wish and pressed submit.
Please wait while your wishes are being processed. Tiny stars danced around in circles on the screen.
I bet it keeps processing forever and ever.
A chime sounded. Your wishes have been approved. Please stand by for immediate shipping.
I laughed. They really went all out with this thing. I squinted as the screen flashed incredibly bright and the words first wish granted appeared. Ha! Yeah right. I glanced up, then back at the lamp, and then did a double take.
What the hell?
Clothes hung neatly in my wardrobe, organised by colour and garment type. The mess of junk on the top shelf had vanished, replaced by neat rows of labelled storage boxes. My eyes bulged and I scrambled to my feet and looked around the room. Dizzy, I held onto the wall as I took in the perfectly made bed with colour-coordinated decorative cushions, a stylish magazine holder in the corner with my collection of Crafty Business magazines, and no laundry basket in sight.
“Holy cow.”
I crept out into the living room, my knees buckling under me as a sight worthy of Vogue magazine greeted me. No art materials invaded my space, everything was expertly arranged and decorated, and the pink paint I’d accidentally splattered in the corner of the room had vanished.
“Oh my God.”
I rushed through to the gleaming kitchen with state of the art appliances and glimpsed something through the back door. An extra room! I almost tripped over my own feet as I stumbled out back to find
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