I am America (and so can you!) by Stephen Colbert, Rich Dahm, Paul Dinello, Allison Silverman Page B
Tags: Humor, United States, General, Political, Essay/s, Topic, Form, Political culture, American wit and humor, Television personalities, Television comedies, Colbert Report (Television program), Social values, Political satire; American
Ads: Link
engaging in homosexual behavior, while cable television offers a full slate of animal sex propa- Chilling endorsement of human/ape relations
ganda ranging from Animal Planet to Dora the Explorer.
Our proud tradition of structured human courtship is under attack—the lions are circling, waiting for our children to wander away from the village so they Odds are it’s a
can hump in front of them.
gay pride.
90
3 Although sometimes there’s nothing better than having sex while arguing.
S E X A N D D A T I N G
Need proof? Look no further than where animals rank on my continuum of sexual morality:
BAD
GOOD
4
Gay stuff
“Doggy Style”
Missionary
Missionary
Position
position, followed
Pity sex
by firm handshake
Accidental
Here be dragons
Non-historical
Immaculate
role-play
Conception
“Fishy Style”
Emotionless
Anything done
Congress
through a sheet
For our future’s sake, Nation, I resolved to learn everything there is to know about these godless Zoodomites. Join me as I barge into Nature’s bedchambers, shining the spotlight of my judgment on its bestial copulations. BRIEF LIST OF ANIMALS THAT HAVE SEX
1. Dogs
2. Elephants
3. Spiders
4. Bears
5. Owls
6. Whales
7. Barn Owls
…and hundreds more.
Folks, in the Animal Kingdom, you can’t turn over a rock without finding a half dozen earthworms doing the horizontal spermatophore, with nary a wedding ring in sight. Like we don’t have enough fatherless annelids crowding our driveways and compost heaps. I don’t care if you are an adult in worm years, Mr. Worm—if you can’t handle tending a few thousand cocoons, don’t ventrally fertilize your hermaphroditic partner.5
And did you know that ants have sex? It can’t be for procreation—there are Aunts also have sex. plenty of ants already. No, the simple truth is they delight in fornicating—and in plain sight of human picnics, no less. I guess that’s part of the sick thrill. 4 Believe me, what dogs actually do is far worse than their namesake style. 91
5 If you lost your lunch at “spermatophore,” then whatever you do, don’t look up “hemipenis.”
I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )
I VOTE “NEIGH”: Sorry horses, but the only thing I want to see mounting another horse is a jockey.
If humans should be following anyone’s example, it’s the tiger . Males and females lead chaste, solitary existences for almost their entire adult lives, until the man decides it’s time to have children, spends months tracking a mate without her knowledge, then with a mighty roar leaps from the underbrush and snarls until the female performs a sexy dance. When the male is sufficiently entertained he bites her neck and initiates the miracle of life, I’m sure in a loving way. Sometimes the most beautiful, intimate connections only occur after a good, long stalking. I think it’s easy for humans, especially women, to forget that. And really, ladies, when’s the last time you worked on your sexy dance?
Unfortunately, most of today’s women resemble bowerbirds that force suitors to build elaborate nests of twigs, leaves, and discarded garbage before choosing a mate. Any male who doesn’t meet her standards doesn’t get to Saw this on PBS, but
mate that year; one assumes he just stays in his bower, reads bower manuals, I didn’t pledge a cent. and watches bowerbird porn. Hey gals, not every guy is Ryan Gosling from The Notebook.
Even worse is the seahorse . The man seahorse shoulders the burden of carrying baby seahorses to term. The seahorse is by far the most whipped animal, and by far the most frequently cited in my own marriage. Of course, you could also be a male octopus , who after a lovely evening of cephalopod merriment, gently fills one of
his arms with sperm before detaching said arm and watching
it crawl into his life-mate’s mantle cavity. Oh, don’t worry, he doesn’t feel a thing BECAUSE HE’S DEAD. Remember how
he detached part of his body? It
ganda ranging from Animal Planet to Dora the Explorer.
Our proud tradition of structured human courtship is under attack—the lions are circling, waiting for our children to wander away from the village so they Odds are it’s a
can hump in front of them.
gay pride.
90
3 Although sometimes there’s nothing better than having sex while arguing.
S E X A N D D A T I N G
Need proof? Look no further than where animals rank on my continuum of sexual morality:
BAD
GOOD
4
Gay stuff
“Doggy Style”
Missionary
Missionary
Position
position, followed
Pity sex
by firm handshake
Accidental
Here be dragons
Non-historical
Immaculate
role-play
Conception
“Fishy Style”
Emotionless
Anything done
Congress
through a sheet
For our future’s sake, Nation, I resolved to learn everything there is to know about these godless Zoodomites. Join me as I barge into Nature’s bedchambers, shining the spotlight of my judgment on its bestial copulations. BRIEF LIST OF ANIMALS THAT HAVE SEX
1. Dogs
2. Elephants
3. Spiders
4. Bears
5. Owls
6. Whales
7. Barn Owls
…and hundreds more.
Folks, in the Animal Kingdom, you can’t turn over a rock without finding a half dozen earthworms doing the horizontal spermatophore, with nary a wedding ring in sight. Like we don’t have enough fatherless annelids crowding our driveways and compost heaps. I don’t care if you are an adult in worm years, Mr. Worm—if you can’t handle tending a few thousand cocoons, don’t ventrally fertilize your hermaphroditic partner.5
And did you know that ants have sex? It can’t be for procreation—there are Aunts also have sex. plenty of ants already. No, the simple truth is they delight in fornicating—and in plain sight of human picnics, no less. I guess that’s part of the sick thrill. 4 Believe me, what dogs actually do is far worse than their namesake style. 91
5 If you lost your lunch at “spermatophore,” then whatever you do, don’t look up “hemipenis.”
I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )
I VOTE “NEIGH”: Sorry horses, but the only thing I want to see mounting another horse is a jockey.
If humans should be following anyone’s example, it’s the tiger . Males and females lead chaste, solitary existences for almost their entire adult lives, until the man decides it’s time to have children, spends months tracking a mate without her knowledge, then with a mighty roar leaps from the underbrush and snarls until the female performs a sexy dance. When the male is sufficiently entertained he bites her neck and initiates the miracle of life, I’m sure in a loving way. Sometimes the most beautiful, intimate connections only occur after a good, long stalking. I think it’s easy for humans, especially women, to forget that. And really, ladies, when’s the last time you worked on your sexy dance?
Unfortunately, most of today’s women resemble bowerbirds that force suitors to build elaborate nests of twigs, leaves, and discarded garbage before choosing a mate. Any male who doesn’t meet her standards doesn’t get to Saw this on PBS, but
mate that year; one assumes he just stays in his bower, reads bower manuals, I didn’t pledge a cent. and watches bowerbird porn. Hey gals, not every guy is Ryan Gosling from The Notebook.
Even worse is the seahorse . The man seahorse shoulders the burden of carrying baby seahorses to term. The seahorse is by far the most whipped animal, and by far the most frequently cited in my own marriage. Of course, you could also be a male octopus , who after a lovely evening of cephalopod merriment, gently fills one of
his arms with sperm before detaching said arm and watching
it crawl into his life-mate’s mantle cavity. Oh, don’t worry, he doesn’t feel a thing BECAUSE HE’S DEAD. Remember how
he detached part of his body? It
Similar Books
