I am America (and so can you!) by Stephen Colbert, Rich Dahm, Paul Dinello, Allison Silverman Page A
Tags: Humor, United States, General, Political, Essay/s, Topic, Form, Political culture, American wit and humor, Television personalities, Television comedies, Colbert Report (Television program), Social values, Political satire; American
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stimulate you further, I should address a fundamental question: Why do we have sex? I’m on record as preaching abstinence. I talk about it on my TV show, elsewhere in this book, in pamphlets I hand out on street corners, and occasionally in sky-writing. But there is a proper time to have sex: when you want to reproduce. The body parts to which we are attracted are directly linked to child production and nurturing. For men, it’s the breasts that provide our offspring nutrition, the legs to which they cling, the lips that 88
S E X A N D D A T I N G
kiss the babies goodnight, and the small of the back that teaches our children about the folly of tattoos.2
For women, it’s the balls. Nothing the ladies love more than a big sack. I mean something a cartoon bandit would carry out of a bank.
Whew. Racy stuff. That poetic description of what a woman yearns for may Sexy!
have heated the blood of some of my female readers, even some of those who signed the abstinence pledge. Remember, you took an oath! So, here’s a little scripture sorbet to cool your palate.
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality.”
—1 Thessalonians 4:3
Exactly. It may be Chad’s will that you chug a few wine coolers and drive up to the lake, “’cause it’s really beautiful up there,” but who are you going to listen to on this one: an omnipotent deity or a management trainee at Outback Steakhouse?
Regional manager,
maybe
And for any male readers who found my bandit imagery arousing, here is another passage:
“If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.”
—Leviticus 20:13
This is not homophobic.
It’s homo-cidal.
Okay. Sexual fire quenched. Let’s move on.
RIGHT THERE! Sex is like the death penalty: one outcome, so many different ways of carrying it out.
STRAIGHT TALK: Even though both men and women enjoy sex, they approach it very differently. Let’s be honest. Men think about sex non-stop, and that’s not just a stereotype. It happens on sitcoms and in advertisements all the time.
2 If you think temporary tattoos are okay, perhaps I can interest you in some temporary eternal damnation?
89
I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )
They even have a
Women don’t feel that way about sex. They prize emotion over physicality. different word for it:
“Love.”
They want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon them while reciting Keats and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
But here comes the Women’s Studies Brigade, railing about how Colbert is reinforcing gender stereotypes. Well, ladies, we have those stereotypes for a reason—a reason I can’t remember right now because I’m too busy thinking about sex more than you do. Don’t be a knuckle sandwich. The sooner we Pink = girl, blue = boy. accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop (Though powder blue
is a little fey.)
arguing about it and start having sex.3
THE TAKE-ME-HOME: Treat sex like alcohol. Whether you sip it or chug it or have a destructive chemical dependency on it, make sure you’re in control. When you bring that frosty can of sex to your lips, you’d better be the one calling the shots. One way to tell if you’re losing control is if during the past three months, in order to get more sex in a shorter amount of time, you have Don’t become a slave resorted to using a funnel.
to sex. Agree on a
safe word.
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK OUR MORALS
As you can see, when you follow the rules there is nothing more beautiful than two mature people who are in a committed, loving relationship doing something unspeakably debasing.
The key word there is “people,” because when it comes to
doing “it” right, there is no greater threat to our democratic
sexual values than the Animal Kingdom. Every day, scientists report more species
S E X A N D D A T I N G
kiss the babies goodnight, and the small of the back that teaches our children about the folly of tattoos.2
For women, it’s the balls. Nothing the ladies love more than a big sack. I mean something a cartoon bandit would carry out of a bank.
Whew. Racy stuff. That poetic description of what a woman yearns for may Sexy!
have heated the blood of some of my female readers, even some of those who signed the abstinence pledge. Remember, you took an oath! So, here’s a little scripture sorbet to cool your palate.
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality.”
—1 Thessalonians 4:3
Exactly. It may be Chad’s will that you chug a few wine coolers and drive up to the lake, “’cause it’s really beautiful up there,” but who are you going to listen to on this one: an omnipotent deity or a management trainee at Outback Steakhouse?
Regional manager,
maybe
And for any male readers who found my bandit imagery arousing, here is another passage:
“If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.”
—Leviticus 20:13
This is not homophobic.
It’s homo-cidal.
Okay. Sexual fire quenched. Let’s move on.
RIGHT THERE! Sex is like the death penalty: one outcome, so many different ways of carrying it out.
STRAIGHT TALK: Even though both men and women enjoy sex, they approach it very differently. Let’s be honest. Men think about sex non-stop, and that’s not just a stereotype. It happens on sitcoms and in advertisements all the time.
2 If you think temporary tattoos are okay, perhaps I can interest you in some temporary eternal damnation?
89
I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )
They even have a
Women don’t feel that way about sex. They prize emotion over physicality. different word for it:
“Love.”
They want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon them while reciting Keats and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
But here comes the Women’s Studies Brigade, railing about how Colbert is reinforcing gender stereotypes. Well, ladies, we have those stereotypes for a reason—a reason I can’t remember right now because I’m too busy thinking about sex more than you do. Don’t be a knuckle sandwich. The sooner we Pink = girl, blue = boy. accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop (Though powder blue
is a little fey.)
arguing about it and start having sex.3
THE TAKE-ME-HOME: Treat sex like alcohol. Whether you sip it or chug it or have a destructive chemical dependency on it, make sure you’re in control. When you bring that frosty can of sex to your lips, you’d better be the one calling the shots. One way to tell if you’re losing control is if during the past three months, in order to get more sex in a shorter amount of time, you have Don’t become a slave resorted to using a funnel.
to sex. Agree on a
safe word.
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK OUR MORALS
As you can see, when you follow the rules there is nothing more beautiful than two mature people who are in a committed, loving relationship doing something unspeakably debasing.
The key word there is “people,” because when it comes to
doing “it” right, there is no greater threat to our democratic
sexual values than the Animal Kingdom. Every day, scientists report more species
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