Humbug Mountain by Sid Fleischman Page B

Chitwood.
    Pa used his largest wooden type to announce the finding of the Great and Only Genuine Petrified Man, but that didn’t cause any stir among the miners.
    I heard a man who everyone called Hogfat laugh. “A petrified chap wouldn’t assay out at a penny a pound—unless he had gold teeth!” That’s where their mind was.
    But he and some other rough-looking miners turned up at the Phoenix that night. It wasn’t the limestone man that brought them. They had found something of greater interest on the back page.
    Pa had needed to fill space and had printed:
    SINNERS ONLY!
    ASBESTOS COFFINS!
    Men Bound for Hades! Get measured for our exclusive asbestos-lined coffins. Fireproof! Guaranteed to see you through the hereafter without scorching a hair. Money-back guarantee! Don’t delay. Supply limited.
    SUNRISE COFFIN WORKS
    Flint & Slathers, Props.

18
    MR. SLATHERS’S SURPRISE
    Sunset was flaring up red as silk when Mr. Slathers rode into sight. He was driving a wagon heaped with groceries.
    â€œWiley! Glorietta!” he called out. I think it was the first time I ever saw his lean face in a total burst of smiles. “Brought you a cargo of candy. Licorice and sour balls. Hope that meets with your approval.”
    â€œI’m partial to licorice and sour balls, both!” I said.
    â€œMe too, Mr. Slathers!”
    He leaped from the wagon and moved around with a joyful step. He had a gift of garden seeds for Ma. He’d had only his engine-room machinery to look after before. Now there was us and he was enjoying himself hugely. And he did bring back a letter for Pa, but Pa just stuffed it into his coat without opening it.
    It fell dark before we toted all the supplies aboard. Campfires sprang up all along the dry riverbank, and the sky was a vast sparkle of stars. Mr. Slathers never stopped smiling. I got the feeling he was all but busting with a secret.
    He had brought half a box of cigars, and after supper he and Pa lit up. I kept watching Mr. Slathers, but maybe he was waiting for the right moment to spring his surprise. If he had a surprise.
    â€œThere are enough supplies to feed an army,” Ma said. “You must have struck some hard bargains, Mr. Slathers.”
    â€œDid my best, and got the rest on credit.”
    Ma looked slightly stricken. “Dear me. We’re not only flat broke again, but in debt.”
    â€œOnly temporary,” Pa said, puffing away. “Mr. Slathers, I’m not much of a carpenter. I hope you are.”
    â€œI’ve done my share, Colonel.”
    â€œSplendid. You may have noticed we’re partners in the Sunrise Coffin Works.”
    â€œI did. Be glad to help. Not that there’s anyone fool enough to turn up for an asbestos coffin.”
    â€œSo I thought,” Pa laughed. “But there are. And they did. I’ve taken orders for seven fireproof coffins. Measured the sinners from toe to head. I guess they figure on hauling the boxes around with them in case of sudden need.”
    Finally Mr. Slathers let the cat out of the bag. I think if he’d had to wait another moment he would have exploded.
    â€œI picked up some fresh news in Wolf Landing,” he began. “Remember those two tons of dirt Shagnasty John and the Fool Killer talked about?”
    â€œI seem to recall your mentioning it,” Pa said.
    â€œWell, it’s not dirt. It’s dust.”
    â€œDust?” Ma remarked.
    â€œ Gold dust.” Mr. Slathers leaned back and drew a long, slow puff of smoke. “Two tons of gold dust. From a rich strike last year way up in Montana. They had a terrible winter up there and the miners got froze in. The dust had been piling up and they couldn’t get it out. There was a Missouri steamboat locked in the ice, but with the spring thaw the dust was put aboard for the voyage to St. Louis. With a valuable cargo like that, the captain refitted the deckhouses with tin. Word has it the