today…
Yeah. I suck.
I try to rationalize the stupid reactions I have when I’m at school. Telling myself I only acted that way to Zak because he can’t fall for someone like me, but that’s a big-ass lie.
I’m not who I used to be. Not really. Zak should know that. He’s been a witness to it since we started high school. If he keeps bugging me it’s his own fault.
But he’s not bugging me. I asked him to teach me to drive. I played four hours of Lord of the Rings with him. I leapt the distance between our windows so I could stop that voicemail.
And it’s me who can’t seem to get past my insecurities. The desire to have the attention, to be liked and popular, keeps me from being myself.
Popular Zoe needs to go to sleep now. I’m tired of her.
I look down at my corset. The stupid thing keeps digging into my sides. I yank the snaps open and chuck it across the room. Finding the most boring bra I own, I pull it on, then cover my top half with my Harry Potter shirt.
The comforter on the bed still smells like Zak’s cologne, so when I toss it over my head, all the pain I try to escape intensifies.
There aren’t words harsh enough to describe how evil I am.
I have to make it up to him. Not just because his douche of a father called last night. Because he’s my…
I gulp.
Friend.
Or at least, I want him to be.
I think.
No.
I know.
I do want him to be my friend again. Not just because I like who I am with him, but because no matter how awful I’ve been to him, he’s always been the opposite to me.
Chapter 13
Why do I try to make things better? I suck at it.
I pull on a bright pink hoodie to cover my shirt. I’m still wearing my tight jeans, so no worries this time about going over in just my underwear.
Snatching his pants off the floor, I peek out the window to see if his is open.
It’s not.
Darn it. Guess I’ll have to go over the traditional way, even if that means getting a door slammed in my face.
After knocking, I shove my hands into the front pocket of my sweater. I think there’s a sensor or something on his porch that increases heart rates. My pulse beats out of my neck.
Mrs. Gibbons answers, wearing her security uniform.
“Zoe!”
“Hi, Maddie.”
“Come in, please.”
The smell of pumpkin spice tickles my nostrils and sends waves of memories into my brain when I get inside. Mrs. Gibbons makes the best pumpkin cheesecake.
“Two days in a row,” she says her eyes beaming. “I take it you’re reconnecting with my little Zakary?”
Am I that transparent? Is “I’m friends with a sexy nerd” written all over my body? I attempt one of those half smiles Zak does, but I feel a little queasy.
“You know…” She pulls me under her arm and taps a finger across my nose. “I used to be envious of you two.”
My eyebrows shoot upward and I wish she’d pull back. Nothing like a fresh wave of guilt to top off the nausea.
“I never had a friend who lived so close to me. Well, at least one I had so much in common with.”
She squeezes my shoulders.
“Zak is lucky he has someone like you to talk to.”
There goes my stomach falling into my butt again. Yeah, he’s sure lucky to have someone like me. Someone who will hop into his room when no one is around, but the second she senses someone laughing at her for talking with him, she calls him a stalker and tells him to leave her alone. I’m a real good buddy.
“Um…” Yeah, that’s all I can get to come out my mouth. Maybe puke if she keeps talking.
She giggles as she leaves my personal bubble. “I’ll go get him.”
She doesn’t yell up the stairs like normal moms do. She actually goes and gets him. I take another big inhale, letting the spice fill my nostrils. Ah, I miss this house. I miss feeling comfortable here. If it was back in the day, I wouldn’t have even used the door. Zak’s window would’ve been open, and I’d impress him with my ninja window-jumping skills, challenge him to a two-hour Dr. Who
Yeah. I suck.
I try to rationalize the stupid reactions I have when I’m at school. Telling myself I only acted that way to Zak because he can’t fall for someone like me, but that’s a big-ass lie.
I’m not who I used to be. Not really. Zak should know that. He’s been a witness to it since we started high school. If he keeps bugging me it’s his own fault.
But he’s not bugging me. I asked him to teach me to drive. I played four hours of Lord of the Rings with him. I leapt the distance between our windows so I could stop that voicemail.
And it’s me who can’t seem to get past my insecurities. The desire to have the attention, to be liked and popular, keeps me from being myself.
Popular Zoe needs to go to sleep now. I’m tired of her.
I look down at my corset. The stupid thing keeps digging into my sides. I yank the snaps open and chuck it across the room. Finding the most boring bra I own, I pull it on, then cover my top half with my Harry Potter shirt.
The comforter on the bed still smells like Zak’s cologne, so when I toss it over my head, all the pain I try to escape intensifies.
There aren’t words harsh enough to describe how evil I am.
I have to make it up to him. Not just because his douche of a father called last night. Because he’s my…
I gulp.
Friend.
Or at least, I want him to be.
I think.
No.
I know.
I do want him to be my friend again. Not just because I like who I am with him, but because no matter how awful I’ve been to him, he’s always been the opposite to me.
Chapter 13
Why do I try to make things better? I suck at it.
I pull on a bright pink hoodie to cover my shirt. I’m still wearing my tight jeans, so no worries this time about going over in just my underwear.
Snatching his pants off the floor, I peek out the window to see if his is open.
It’s not.
Darn it. Guess I’ll have to go over the traditional way, even if that means getting a door slammed in my face.
After knocking, I shove my hands into the front pocket of my sweater. I think there’s a sensor or something on his porch that increases heart rates. My pulse beats out of my neck.
Mrs. Gibbons answers, wearing her security uniform.
“Zoe!”
“Hi, Maddie.”
“Come in, please.”
The smell of pumpkin spice tickles my nostrils and sends waves of memories into my brain when I get inside. Mrs. Gibbons makes the best pumpkin cheesecake.
“Two days in a row,” she says her eyes beaming. “I take it you’re reconnecting with my little Zakary?”
Am I that transparent? Is “I’m friends with a sexy nerd” written all over my body? I attempt one of those half smiles Zak does, but I feel a little queasy.
“You know…” She pulls me under her arm and taps a finger across my nose. “I used to be envious of you two.”
My eyebrows shoot upward and I wish she’d pull back. Nothing like a fresh wave of guilt to top off the nausea.
“I never had a friend who lived so close to me. Well, at least one I had so much in common with.”
She squeezes my shoulders.
“Zak is lucky he has someone like you to talk to.”
There goes my stomach falling into my butt again. Yeah, he’s sure lucky to have someone like me. Someone who will hop into his room when no one is around, but the second she senses someone laughing at her for talking with him, she calls him a stalker and tells him to leave her alone. I’m a real good buddy.
“Um…” Yeah, that’s all I can get to come out my mouth. Maybe puke if she keeps talking.
She giggles as she leaves my personal bubble. “I’ll go get him.”
She doesn’t yell up the stairs like normal moms do. She actually goes and gets him. I take another big inhale, letting the spice fill my nostrils. Ah, I miss this house. I miss feeling comfortable here. If it was back in the day, I wouldn’t have even used the door. Zak’s window would’ve been open, and I’d impress him with my ninja window-jumping skills, challenge him to a two-hour Dr. Who
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