How To Choose a Sweetheart

How To Choose a Sweetheart by Nigel Bird Page A

Book: How To Choose a Sweetheart by Nigel Bird Read Free Book Online
Authors: Nigel Bird
Tags: Romance, British, Comedy, rom com
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cheek.” Cath steps in to the rescue and picks up where he left off. It’s like the end of a mushy rom-com. “He thought about his mum and dad and his brothers and sisters and his cat and his dog.”
    This intervention gets Max back on track. Playing tag with Cath is rather fun. “His tear rolled on to the floor and out of the cage. The more he thought about his home the more he cried. There were so many tears that a small stream trickled down the hill.”
    Cath steps up to the plate again. “And as it got darker and darker in the woods, the more lonely Jonathan became.”
    “Fang was getting tired. He had been searching and searching for his friend. His paws were sore and he needed to rest. When he saw the stream, he wandered over to take a drink before going to sleep. He put his tongue in the water and began to lap it up.”
    “Yeuk.” Cath does the face and sticks her own tongue out. “Fang pricked up his ears and spat.”
    “Then he realised that there was something familiar about the taste. Now what was it?”
    “It’s Jonathan,” Alice shouts out, doing her best to try and help.
    Max nods, puts a finger to his lips and carries on. “He sniffed at the stream and he sniffed again. Jonathan, he barked. Jonathan.”
    “Fang was so excited that he ran up the hill following the tears, barking and panting all the way.”
    “But the witch will hear him,” Alice says. “And she’ll chop him up.”
    Max winks. “She couldn’t hear anything because secretly she was afraid of the dark, so she always slept wearing earplugs.”
    Cath sniffs at the air and whispers. “I can smell something that’s about ready to take out of the oven. I’d better go.”
    She gets up from the ground, kisses Alice on the cheek and tiptoes out of the room. Alice just gazes at Max and waits for him to carry on.”
    “So Fang followed the river of tears until he saw Jonathan’s head. He ran over to him and licked his face. Jonathan licked him back and sent him away to find the other parts of his body. First he came back with the legs, then his arms and then the rest. He put all the bits into the right place and ran off to the witch’s house where he found a bottle of magic glue. After that, he went back to the cage and stuck Jonathan back together again. When Jonathan had his arms back, he hugged Fang as tightly as he could and then rolled over onto Fang’s back. Fang ran faster than he’d ever run before until they reached home.
    The witch woke up and was so angry to find that her breakfast had disappeared that she vanished in a puff of yellow smoke and the people of the village were never troubled by her again.”
    As the story comes to an end, so does Alice’s energy. Her head has sunk into the pillow, her eyes are tight shut and she’s making whiffly noises when she breathes. Max leans over and kisses her head.
    She looks so innocent and peaceful, like everything in her life is just dandy. He wants to protect her from the outside world. From growing up and from all the slippery characters out there. Slippery characters like himself.
    He pulls the duvet up over her shoulders and tiptoes from the room.
    ––––––––
    TWENTY
    M ax is full of cheese pie, salad, fruit and ice-cream. The booze has his head spinning in the loveliest of ways and he still has the flavour of strawberries lingering in his mouth.
    Cath leaves him smoking and walks in from the balcony and over to her iPad where she spends a few seconds flicking through things. She rests it down again and a cacophony of brass music followed by the shouts of Screaming Jay Hawkins bursts from the speaker.
    She walks over to the table and checks it over. There are half-empty salad bowls, empty plates, remnants of French loaf and two empty wine bottles.
    She takes the candlesticks from the middle of all the mess and carries them carefully so that the flames don’t go out.
    In the kitchen, she manoeuvres herself carefully and picks up a fresh bottle of wine  and

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