because they’re too fast . Do not blink when looking at this book, or you might miss one of my karate moves. Even with my state-of-the-art camera from the future, sometimes I move so fast that I am unphotographable .
I will also be teaching you methods of karate that I invented myself . Some of which were invented just for this book. So this is the first time they are ever being seen. In addition to teaching you self-defense, I will also teach you Self-Offense.
SPECIAL NOTE: Throughout this book, I use the words “him” and “his” in a way that is often gender neutral and asexual. So when I say “him” I could be referring to a male or female assailant—same thing for when I use the word “his.” So ladies, just because I said the word “him” it doesn’t mean I’m leaving you out. I look at all sexes equally. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, you’re not as good a fighter as me.
A lot of professional fighters and martial arts
instructors talk about how they got started in karate. As a kid, they were fat or skinny or small, and they got beat up a lot. Then one day they started lifting weights, learned karate, and then were finally able to get a girlfriend. This is not my story. I’ve been kicking ass since before day one.
I was the fastest sperm that entered my mom’s body. The other sperms weren’t even close. I had superior speed and vision. I knew my target and I had perfect aim . These are qualities that make a karate champion .
My mom did not go into labor. After being in her womb for 8 months, I had enough. I walked out of her vagina, snapped the umbilical cord in half , punched the doctor in the face, and made him cry. I wasn’t even a minute old and I had already beat up a dude. It was at this moment that I knew that one day I would become . . . The World Champion .
SOMETIMES, EVEN WHEN I’M STANDING STILL, I MOVE SO FAST, I APPEAR BLURRY.
I got kicked out of kindergarten for refusing to take a nap at naptime. I told them, “I don’t take naps. I prefer to stay awake. In case shit goes down.”
When I was 6, I ate the playground jungle gym, then shit ninja stars out of my asshole for 5 hours straight .
At 9, I got kicked out of the Marines for being too hardcore. I was tired of fighting alongside teammates and with weapons. I knew I could do more damage on my own .
At 12, I was in federal prison in China for a crime I didn’t commit . I learned a lot of martial arts skills there. And after 6 months, I started teaching the other inmates karate. It was time to move on.
At 13, I was in state prison in the United States. I was only there because I liked its gym and workout facilities. And there were always convicts willing to fight, so it was good practice.
When I was 13½, I didn’t escape the prison. I left. I had beaten up all the inmates and armed guards with my bare hands. There was no need for me to stay there anymore. I gave the warden a wedgie in front of the whole prison before I left the premises . Then I walked through the prison gates and drove off with a bus of cheerleaders and pleasured them with some non-karate moves.
By the time I was 14½, I had already beaten up every martial arts and action movie star . But no one witnessed my destruction because I moved too fast for the movie cameras to capture it. Martial arts movie stars wouldn’t last 5 minutes on the street . In a real fight, there are no camera tricks or second takes.
At 15, I was banned from boxing because I punched too hard. The other boxers would cry in the ring when I punched them. And that was a bad image for the sport, so the commission banned me. One time, as a junior middleweight, I knocked out a heavyweight with a medium-strength shoulder punch.
At 16, every professional mixed martial artist on the planet joined together to fight me at once. But they all chickened out when they saw me in the ring, naked, doing push-ups with my dick.
By 17, I was banned from practicing karate
I will also be teaching you methods of karate that I invented myself . Some of which were invented just for this book. So this is the first time they are ever being seen. In addition to teaching you self-defense, I will also teach you Self-Offense.
SPECIAL NOTE: Throughout this book, I use the words “him” and “his” in a way that is often gender neutral and asexual. So when I say “him” I could be referring to a male or female assailant—same thing for when I use the word “his.” So ladies, just because I said the word “him” it doesn’t mean I’m leaving you out. I look at all sexes equally. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, you’re not as good a fighter as me.
A lot of professional fighters and martial arts
instructors talk about how they got started in karate. As a kid, they were fat or skinny or small, and they got beat up a lot. Then one day they started lifting weights, learned karate, and then were finally able to get a girlfriend. This is not my story. I’ve been kicking ass since before day one.
I was the fastest sperm that entered my mom’s body. The other sperms weren’t even close. I had superior speed and vision. I knew my target and I had perfect aim . These are qualities that make a karate champion .
My mom did not go into labor. After being in her womb for 8 months, I had enough. I walked out of her vagina, snapped the umbilical cord in half , punched the doctor in the face, and made him cry. I wasn’t even a minute old and I had already beat up a dude. It was at this moment that I knew that one day I would become . . . The World Champion .
SOMETIMES, EVEN WHEN I’M STANDING STILL, I MOVE SO FAST, I APPEAR BLURRY.
I got kicked out of kindergarten for refusing to take a nap at naptime. I told them, “I don’t take naps. I prefer to stay awake. In case shit goes down.”
When I was 6, I ate the playground jungle gym, then shit ninja stars out of my asshole for 5 hours straight .
At 9, I got kicked out of the Marines for being too hardcore. I was tired of fighting alongside teammates and with weapons. I knew I could do more damage on my own .
At 12, I was in federal prison in China for a crime I didn’t commit . I learned a lot of martial arts skills there. And after 6 months, I started teaching the other inmates karate. It was time to move on.
At 13, I was in state prison in the United States. I was only there because I liked its gym and workout facilities. And there were always convicts willing to fight, so it was good practice.
When I was 13½, I didn’t escape the prison. I left. I had beaten up all the inmates and armed guards with my bare hands. There was no need for me to stay there anymore. I gave the warden a wedgie in front of the whole prison before I left the premises . Then I walked through the prison gates and drove off with a bus of cheerleaders and pleasured them with some non-karate moves.
By the time I was 14½, I had already beaten up every martial arts and action movie star . But no one witnessed my destruction because I moved too fast for the movie cameras to capture it. Martial arts movie stars wouldn’t last 5 minutes on the street . In a real fight, there are no camera tricks or second takes.
At 15, I was banned from boxing because I punched too hard. The other boxers would cry in the ring when I punched them. And that was a bad image for the sport, so the commission banned me. One time, as a junior middleweight, I knocked out a heavyweight with a medium-strength shoulder punch.
At 16, every professional mixed martial artist on the planet joined together to fight me at once. But they all chickened out when they saw me in the ring, naked, doing push-ups with my dick.
By 17, I was banned from practicing karate
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