How to Archer by Sterling Archer

to lengthy occupation by American soldiers, is baseball. And also whose women are mocha-skinned goddesses with whom I want nothing more in life than to have sex until my dick bleeds.
OMAN
    I always get this confused with Oran. By which I mean Oran “Juice” Jones, whose hit single “The Rain” peaked at number nine on the Billboard Top 100 chart. Which should’ve been way higher.
PANAMA
    Home to the world’s most strategically important shipping canal, Panama is also great for blasting out of your car stereo as you drive down to Myrtle Beach, just pounding some beers.
PARAGUAY
    Paraguay is often confused with Uruguay.
PERU
    Peru is the native habitat of the endangered Spectacled Bear, the species that served as the inspiration for… Paddington Bear! Paddington Bear! Paddington Bear! Yay, Paddington!
QATAR
    To be honest, Qatar only made the list because I’m pretty sure it’s the only country in the world that starts with Q. It’s basically the “xylophone” of world factbooks. And also very sandy.
ROMANIA
    Once, while out for a jog through the diesel-choked streets of Bucharest, I was pulled down by a snarling pack of stray dogs. There’s no joke here: this actually happened to me.
SOMALIA
    In recent years, Somalia has gained a well-deserved international reputation for being home to a large number of pirates. Which is probably why Somalia is so stoked.
SWEDEN
    You are going to be the ugliest person in the entire country, This is perfectly normal.
SOUTH AFRICA
    South Africa has a bad reputation for its decades-long, often-brutal segregationist policy of apartheid. A policy which I never understood, because black chicks are just incredibly hot.
THAILAND 104
    Don’t touch the whores on the head.
URUGUAY
    Uruguay is often confused with Paraguay.
VATICAN CITY
    Before you visit Vatican City spend a little time in Nicaragua. Or Guatemala. Or El Salvador. Or Honduras. And then just walk around the Vatican, growing more and more furious.
THE WESTERN SAHARA
    It may sound like a chain of casual-dining steak restaurants, but it’s actually a war-torn desert region whose borders are hotly disputed by Morocco, Spain, and Mauritania. And so, like a casual-dining steak restaurant, there is absolutely no reason to ever go there ever.
XYLOPHONIA
    Not a real country. If it were, I bet its national anthem would be “Dem Bones.” Played by a grinning skeleton on his own ribs. Which is why we should launch a preemptive strike now.
YEMEN
    Also pretty sandy. From what I hear.
ZAIRE
    I used to go here when it was still called the Belgian Congo, Before the hipsters found out about it and ruined it. Like they do everything else.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
    I would like to thank my editrix at HarperCollins, whose name I never learned, for the countless hours she spent helping me shape my raw, visceral experiences as the world’s greatest secret agent into a practical guide for all those young men and women who wish to follow in my footsteps and enter into the fascinating and often dangerous world of the clandestine services; my colleagues at ISIS, not only for their courage, honor, and sense of duty but also for their kind words of support as I delved into often painful memories to bring this book to life; my tireless manservant Woodhouse, whose blind willingness to cater to my every whim—no matter how whimsical, and often at great expense to himself, both financially and physically—made writing this book, if not possible, then at least a lot easier; and lastly, and yet most of all, I would like to thank my mother, the “unsinkable” Malory Archer, who gave me not only my life but also my calling: as the dashing prince consort to the seductive and deadly queen known as espionage.
    I’d like to thank all those people. And I totally would if they’d actually done anything to help me write this goddamn book. But apart from a few snide comments—oh, and by the way, Mother, thanks ever so much for that touching foreword—nobody ever even