How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight by Chris Dolley Page B

be.”
    BRICK: “So, it’s a magical giraffe?”
    DAVE: “In layman’s terms, it’s a PART TIME magical giraffe with the potential to be anything it wants, BUT ... once it chooses, that’s it. It’s no longer magical.”
    BRICK: “Right ... What has that to do with possession and slimming?”
    DAVE: “Everything. While you’re possessed, your car exists in two states. One with you as driver, and one with your demon as driver. It’s become a Quantum Car, which means it has the potential to be any damn car it wants. Even one of those little British two-seater sports cars.”
    BRICK: “Wait, I think I’ve got this. If you want a slim car, you choose the two-seater sports model, and the exorcist collapses the quantum state?”
    DAVE: “Almost. But, remember me saying that the car analogy was but one dimension of a multi-dimensional answer?”
    BRICK: “I certainly do, Dave.”
    DAVE: “Well, there’s another dimension. The body’s not only a car and an occasional giraffe. It’s also a color too.”
    BRICK: “Wow ... Is that a cannabis plant on your windowsill, Dave?”
    Do I understand all of Dave’s theories? Of course not. But I do know about cars and giraffes, and just how hard it is to become runner-up on America’s Next Top Scientist .
    And the results from our clinical trials speak for themselves.

Clinical Trials
    To prove the efficacy of the Possession Diet we commissioned a series of clinical trials at the world’s leading laboratories.
    The first trial was run by Stepford University — one of the leading research universities on the PLANET with over THREE MILLION likes on Facebook. That’s more than Harvard and SIX times as many as Stanford.
    Stepford ran a double blind trial — the most rigorous statistical test known to man as it can only be administered by visually impaired twins.
    They found that people who used the Possession Diet lost on average TEN times as much weight as those using more traditional diets. And they lost it QUICKER. One woman lost so much weight they had difficulty finding her! She dropped TEN dress sizes in ONE day. Unfortunately, she also lost 51 inches in height, which is why we no longer recommend using the Shrinking Demons of Gharanja (pictured below).

    Stepford ran a follow up trial six months later to assess the long-term effects. Were people managing to keep the weight off? Were they still alive?
    Researchers found that people who took the Possession Diet were LESS likely to put that weight back on. Admittedly some had been institutionalized — minor mental problems concerning flashbacks and unusual cravings — but they weren’t FAT! And most were expected to make a FULL recovery.
    Stepford interviewed the more lucid of the institutionalized subjects and found that many were happy with their new selves, but had been committed by family members, or judges, who had a more traditional, some would say narrow, view of what ‘normal’ behavior was. What the patients saw as having their eyes opened to new possibilities and new ways of life, was often deemed by ‘society’ as exhibitionism and, in one case, cannibalism.
    Summing up, the Stepford researchers wrote ‘This Possession Diet is WAY better than anything else out there. And it’s ALMOST NEVER FATAL!’

    The second series of trials were run by the television series, Extreme Celebrity Weight Loss , where extreme celebrities try out a new diet every week. The Possession Diet was tried out by former child star and gossip page regular, Chelsee Chambers. Chelsee is well known for her battles with weight, drugs and invisible friends who help her shoplift. She’s been in and out of rehab since she was fired from ‘The Waltons: The Next Generation’ at the age of twelve. Some say she never recovered from losing her part as Joan-Boy Walton, the hermaphrodite