How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight by Chris Dolley Page A

more efficient than ordinary vomiting. You don’t even have to run to the bathroom! With practice, and careful placement of your chair within thirty feet — and line of sight — of your bathroom, you can project your lunch from the comfort of your own armchair.
    6. Cursing — Lose Weight and Learn an Old Language
    Who’d have thought it? Cursing as a slimming aid? But it’s true! Cursing has been shown to raise the heart rate, oxygenate the blood, AND burn calories. And when it comes to cursing, who does it better than a demon? They know curses that we can’t even spell. And, even better, no one can be offended because no one knows ancient Sumerian these days!
    7. Salt Free Diet
    Possession isn’t just good for losing weight, it’s healthy too. Take salt, for example. We eat far too much salt these days and excess salt has been shown to cause STROKES, HEART ATTACKS, DANGEROUSLY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE and BAD BREATH. It’s a smelly killer.
    But spirits can’t abide salt. It hurts them and makes them cranky. Which is GOOD for you as, when you’re possessed, you’ll hate salty foods too. One taste and — BLEH! — it’ll be like sucking on a JALAPENO LEMON!

The Science of Possession

    Who better to explain the science of possession than last year’s runner-up on America’s Next Top Scientist — Dave Lupin. Dave, as everyone now knows, is both one heck of a scientist and a pretty nifty ballroom dancer too. In his book, The Quantum Soul , Dave explains how all of us — humans, animals, aliens, and even demons — are a symbiosis of two beings — the physical being and the spiritual being. The spiritual — what we commonly call the soul — lives inside, and animates, our physical being.
    He likens the physical being to a car, and the spiritual being to the driver. And possession is like carrying a passenger who shares the driving. And occasionally takes the car out for a spin without telling you. And maybe ties you up and stuffs you in the trunk.
    Of course those are the BAD demons. The GOOD demons will give your engine a tune, wash and wax your paintwork and detail the inside.
    But how does any of that help you lose weight? Even after a wash and tune up, the car isn’t going to weigh much less.
    Dave explains: The car analogy was but one dimension of a multi-dimensional answer. The body is a car, but, at the same time, it is also a giraffe.
    Confused? I was, but I think this just shows Dave’s genius — we, as laymen and women, simply cannot conceive what Dave is talking about. But he WAS runner-up on America’s Next Top Scientist and danced the socks off that Nobel laureate in the dance floor challenge.
    Back to the giraffe. Apparently it’s not just a giraffe, it’s a QUANTUM giraffe. That means, according to Dave, that sometimes it’s not a giraffe.
    Here’s a transcript of a conversation I had with Dave on the subject:
    BRICK: “So, Dave, What EXACTLY is a quantum giraffe?”
    DAVE: “It’s the kind of giraffe that if you put it in a box, you wouldn’t know it was there.”
    BRICK: “It’s a small giraffe?”
    DAVE: “No, Brick, it’s a QUANTUM giraffe. Simply put, that means it’s the kind of giraffe that exists in two states.”
    BRICK: “Like Texas and New Mexico?”
    DAVE: “No, Brick. How can I put this? It’s alive but — at the same time — it might be dead, but no one knows — not even the giraffe — until someone opens the box.”
    BRICK: “So it’s a kind of undead giraffe?”
    DAVE: “It’s ALL kinds of giraffe and ... it’s only ONE kind of giraffe. It’s the kind of giraffe that has the potential to be anything — even an elephant — as long as no one’s looking. But as soon as someone sees it, the quantum state collapses, and the giraffe must choose what it wants to