House of Holes by Nicholson Baker

yourself as fast as you can. Faster! Faster!” The men were puffing and blowing, their cheeks pink, a fine sheen of strain on their foreheads. “Who’s first?” Rhumpa said. A little man of about forty-five wearing a baseball cap said, “I’m gonna juice big-time!” Rhumpa grabbed the back of his leg and pulled him close. “Come all over these britneys,” she said. “They need it, shoot right here.” She pinched her nipples and pointed them around the crowd. “Here it comes!” the man croaked, and a long whipflick of silly string curved through the sparkling air.
    Then one very hairy man pulled off Rhumpa’s panties and clapped them to his nose and went, “Aaaah!” He jerked out his putz and splashed on her pussyfloss.
    “Next! I need more come—more come!” Rhumpa said.
    Just then Daggett burst in, naked, wild-eyed, with Rhumpa’s former bra twisted around his huge purple erection.
    “Daggett!” she said. She clapped her hand over her breasts.
    “I don’t care, I need to see them, I don’t care.”
    She let her hands fall, and he stared feastingly at her breasts while he slowly unwrapped the straps of her bra from his pulsing hellhound. He waved the other men back. “Take me and fuck me good!” Rhumpa said. She threw her legs open and he slowly socketed himself deep in her famished slutslot. Somewhere alarm bells and buzzers rang, but the lovers fucked for a moment with joyous sweaty abandon, laughing. Then two headless men appeared and pulled Daggett away.
    “Is this it for your balls, then?” Rhumpa asked.
    “They’re going back in the tank,” he said, “but it was worth it. It’s only two weeks.”
    “I’ll go to the opera with you,” Rhumpa called as they dragged Daggett away.
    When he was gone, she gestured the other men back. “More come, more come!” she said. “Jerk it out! Ice my cake, dickboys! I want to feel like a breakfast pastry!”

Wade Learns about the Cloth of Ka-Chiang

    W ade’s vesicles were jumping, and he felt sunny inside. He wanted to be near a woman he didn’t know, but he felt a little shy, so he called up the House of Holes and said, “Hi, this is Wade, and I’d like to be able to be friendly with a woman.”
    Wade was transferred to Lila, who said, “Honey, why don’t you come on by?”
    Wade said, “Because I don’t know how.”
    “Do you have a penis, Wade?”
    Wade said he did.
    “Then grab hold of it.”
    Wade grabbed hold of it.
    Lila said, “Now make it hard and stare it down. Is it hard yet?”
    Wade said, “No, it shrank way down while I was making this call.”
    Lila said, “Well, you’re not going to get anywhere without a dependable boner.”
    Wade said, “I realize that. Okay, here it goes. It’s hard now.”
    “Good, now stare right down at the hole in it. That’ll open up time and spice for you. We’re out here in spicetime.”
    Wade stared at his cockhole and zoomed down into it. It was kind of an odd, juicy, self-referential experience, but at the end he emerged as himself in the waiting room outside Lila’s office. Lila’s assistant for the day, an intern named Crackers, opened the door and asked him in. Wade said hi to her. Crackers, dressed in black pipe-stem jeans, was not bad at all—in fact, she was perfect—and he wanted to fondle her or touch her shoulder but it didn’t seem the right moment. He sat down in the office chair. There at her desk was the famous Lila, a large and lovely gal of a certain age.
    “I’d like to be able to help you, Wade,” said Lila. “How long are you going to want to be busy here at the House of Holes?”
    “I’d say three, four days,” said Wade. He was tightening and loosening his thighs while Kegeling his love muscle, making his balls rearrange themselves. It all felt good in a crowded sort of way. “I figure maybe a girl will take a liking to me, and then I’ll get over my shyness and go home with her and then I’ll have a girlfriend.”
    “Now there’s a plan, Wade.