she spotted a canal and
turned toward it. "Do I need this headache? Do I need you
on my back for my first day in fucking Hell? I don't think
so. I ought to throw you in this canal."
"Ruth." The priest's voice turned grim. "Don't get too
close."
"Oh, scared I might do it, huh? Like on that boat?" But
then she looked into the canal and saw that it was full of
running waste, innards, body parts, and scum.
"The canals here exist to carry sewage into the Districts,
not away from them. And they're full of Gore-Gators, E.
Coli Snakes, and-"
Ruth screamed as something from the canal jumped
out at her. The thing seemed half-invisible, only allowing
a glimpse, but in that glimpse Ruth detected a chubby
tubelike body ten feet long, two soft antennae, and a pulsating sucker mouth full of things like six-inch needles.
She lurched back just in time.
"And Bapho-Siugs," Alexander finished. "Come on,
Ruth. Don't ever go near those canals. Thank God that
slug was a baby."
"A fuckin' baby!" She jogged away in haste, her high breasts bobbing beneath the Yucx T•oo T-shirt. "The fucker
was ten feet long! How big's an adult?"
"Hundreds of feet," the priest apprised her. "When
they get that big they either go out to sea or slip into the
bigger rivers like the Styx."
"Fuck. I can't hack this shit, man."
"Be strong, Ruth. We've only just arrived. Let's both try
to think more spiritually from now on."
"Easy for you to say," she said as her flip-flops were
snapping onward over more multicolored scum.
"Your foul language, for instance. Work on that now.
I'll help you."
"I don't need help controlling my language from a
fuckin' torso who's stuck in the same shitty monsterfilled slime-hole as me! All you religious guys are the
same. You're all just a bunch of fuckin' hypocrites, condemning others for the same shit you all do. Maybe you
really don't cuss out loud but I'll bet you still say cuss
words in your mind, and if you say you don't, you're a
fuckin' liar because even with that dumbass plastic collar
you're still just as Human as me."
The priest's voice lost some of its punch. "I can't argue
with you there, Ruth."
She passed a fungus-fat entrance sign:
WELCOME TO THE PORT OF THE VULGARESSA. BOATS
MOORED WITHOUT PROPER LICENSE WILL BE IMPOUNDED
AND THEIR OWNERS WILL BE SUBJECT TO SUMMARY
TRANSRECTAL EVISCERATION.
Another sign quickly followed:
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.
"How's that for a welcome sign?" Alexander managed
with a laugh.
"Fuckin' peachy." Finally out of the marina, Ruth
marched on, the Port of the Vulgaressa behind them. "So
who's this Vulgaressa person?"
"She's the official governor of Rot-Port, and to my
knowledge the only Grand Duchess in Hell. If you
thought women were discriminated against in the Living
World, you haven't seen anything. She was one of Lucifer's first lovers after The Fall. He likes down-and-dirty
women."
"Down-and-dirty, huh?" Some of Ruth's own past exploits sailed before her mind's eye. Shit ...
"She's a Demonic nymphomaniac-has sex sixty-six
times a day, they say."
"Holy shit. That is down-and-dirty."
"But get this, Ruth. The Vulgaressa deliberately keeps
herself infected with every sexually transmitted disease
in existence. The stuff they got here makes HIV, herpes,
and syphilis look like a stubbed toe. Her body's pretty
much just a great big bag of pus that's kept in feminine
contours by her occult surgeons. That's her hobby. She infects people with this stuff. Sixty-six times a day."
Ruth had had a touch of gonorrhea and syph herself a
few times. She didn't want to know what kind of cooties
they had here.
Then Alexander whispered, "Holy shiiiiiuii ..."
"You almost said holy shit!"
"I know, but this is serious, Ruth. See that Steam Buggy
up there? And those soldiers in Rot-Armor?"
Ruth saw them at the moldering intersection whose
curbs were troughs of rot. "Yeah? Is that trouble?"
"Could be. That buggy is the Vulgaressa's
turned toward it. "Do I need this headache? Do I need you
on my back for my first day in fucking Hell? I don't think
so. I ought to throw you in this canal."
"Ruth." The priest's voice turned grim. "Don't get too
close."
"Oh, scared I might do it, huh? Like on that boat?" But
then she looked into the canal and saw that it was full of
running waste, innards, body parts, and scum.
"The canals here exist to carry sewage into the Districts,
not away from them. And they're full of Gore-Gators, E.
Coli Snakes, and-"
Ruth screamed as something from the canal jumped
out at her. The thing seemed half-invisible, only allowing
a glimpse, but in that glimpse Ruth detected a chubby
tubelike body ten feet long, two soft antennae, and a pulsating sucker mouth full of things like six-inch needles.
She lurched back just in time.
"And Bapho-Siugs," Alexander finished. "Come on,
Ruth. Don't ever go near those canals. Thank God that
slug was a baby."
"A fuckin' baby!" She jogged away in haste, her high breasts bobbing beneath the Yucx T•oo T-shirt. "The fucker
was ten feet long! How big's an adult?"
"Hundreds of feet," the priest apprised her. "When
they get that big they either go out to sea or slip into the
bigger rivers like the Styx."
"Fuck. I can't hack this shit, man."
"Be strong, Ruth. We've only just arrived. Let's both try
to think more spiritually from now on."
"Easy for you to say," she said as her flip-flops were
snapping onward over more multicolored scum.
"Your foul language, for instance. Work on that now.
I'll help you."
"I don't need help controlling my language from a
fuckin' torso who's stuck in the same shitty monsterfilled slime-hole as me! All you religious guys are the
same. You're all just a bunch of fuckin' hypocrites, condemning others for the same shit you all do. Maybe you
really don't cuss out loud but I'll bet you still say cuss
words in your mind, and if you say you don't, you're a
fuckin' liar because even with that dumbass plastic collar
you're still just as Human as me."
The priest's voice lost some of its punch. "I can't argue
with you there, Ruth."
She passed a fungus-fat entrance sign:
WELCOME TO THE PORT OF THE VULGARESSA. BOATS
MOORED WITHOUT PROPER LICENSE WILL BE IMPOUNDED
AND THEIR OWNERS WILL BE SUBJECT TO SUMMARY
TRANSRECTAL EVISCERATION.
Another sign quickly followed:
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.
"How's that for a welcome sign?" Alexander managed
with a laugh.
"Fuckin' peachy." Finally out of the marina, Ruth
marched on, the Port of the Vulgaressa behind them. "So
who's this Vulgaressa person?"
"She's the official governor of Rot-Port, and to my
knowledge the only Grand Duchess in Hell. If you
thought women were discriminated against in the Living
World, you haven't seen anything. She was one of Lucifer's first lovers after The Fall. He likes down-and-dirty
women."
"Down-and-dirty, huh?" Some of Ruth's own past exploits sailed before her mind's eye. Shit ...
"She's a Demonic nymphomaniac-has sex sixty-six
times a day, they say."
"Holy shit. That is down-and-dirty."
"But get this, Ruth. The Vulgaressa deliberately keeps
herself infected with every sexually transmitted disease
in existence. The stuff they got here makes HIV, herpes,
and syphilis look like a stubbed toe. Her body's pretty
much just a great big bag of pus that's kept in feminine
contours by her occult surgeons. That's her hobby. She infects people with this stuff. Sixty-six times a day."
Ruth had had a touch of gonorrhea and syph herself a
few times. She didn't want to know what kind of cooties
they had here.
Then Alexander whispered, "Holy shiiiiiuii ..."
"You almost said holy shit!"
"I know, but this is serious, Ruth. See that Steam Buggy
up there? And those soldiers in Rot-Armor?"
Ruth saw them at the moldering intersection whose
curbs were troughs of rot. "Yeah? Is that trouble?"
"Could be. That buggy is the Vulgaressa's
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