guilty about it all, I took a deep breath while my hand kept tracing the scar. The sight of Dad’s sad eyes encased in dark gray circles as he visited me in the hospital played through my mind. Part of his anguish and sorrow had been my doing. Maybe Marie had helped him cope through it all. She was a good woman. Her only fault was that she was taking Mom’s place. And that hurt beyond anything.
Tears brimmed in my eyes as I swallowed hard. “I’m angry and disappointed—” I cast my eyes down to my fidgeting hands, “—and I feel worse because I know I don’t have the right to feel that way.”
Amanda blew across her tea before taking a sip. “Talk to me, Cassie. Let it all out.”
A shaky breath left my lips. “It’s not that I don’t like her. Marie is okay, I guess. I just don’t like how my dad is cutting flowers, Mom’s flowers , for her.” My voice was soft as I glanced at Amanda for a moment. “Or her food. I don’t like it. It’s different .”
Even though the words were coming out of my mouth, I couldn’t help but notice how childish I sounded.
Setting my lips in a straight line, I clenched my hands in tight fists. “I know I’m being selfish.” My brows were furrowed as I gazed at the window once again. “But it’s just that Mom isn’t here.” My voice cracked as the last words left my mouth.
I breathed out and rubbed the tears away with the back of my palm. “It’s like we’re replacing her. And I don’t want to do that.” I closed my eyes for a moment. “Not now, not ever . I can’t let her go. I want to hug her and I want to kiss her cheek, and I want to hear her laugh. Even her absolutely horrid sneeze.” I snorted at that as a tear rolled down my cheek. “I want her back.” My chest tightened as all the pain and sorrow from the night she passed away crashed down on me once again. “I can’t replace her. I need her. I need her back.” I choked on a sob as I finished talking. “I miss Mom,” I whispered as the tears rolled down. “I miss her so fucking much.”
Amanda stood up and walked to me, a tissue box in her hands. She gave one to me. Her eyes were sad and somewhat understanding. “I know it hurts, Cassie. But this—” she rubbed the back of her hand on my right cheek, “—this is what you need to do. You need to say it all, and you need to cry and mourn. Don’t keep it to yourself.”
“I hate crying,” I said between sobs.
“Me too. But it’s part of who I am, and I have to accept it,” she added softly while sitting next to me.
This sucks. This seriously sucks.
“Shouldn’t I feel better by now? Why do I cry so much? It’s been a while, and I still do it all the freaking time.”
Amanda grabbed my hand and looked straight at me. “You miss your Mom, Cass. That’s a huge deal. You’re going to cry the rest of your life for her; there are times where you’ll remember her and smile at the happy memories, but there are going to be times you’re going to miss her so much that you’re going to find yourself crying over her. Even years after. Something can trigger a memory of her for no discernable reason.” She handed me my mug.
Complying, I took a small sip as she eyed me softly. “The thing is, the more you love someone, the more you hurt when they’re gone. And that’s great. That means you loved her, and that you still do. That even though she’s not physically with you, she was so important that her loss is causing chaos inside you. That she left with a piece of you and you feel empty.” Her hazel eyes looked sad as she added, “That’s the way people should love all the time. With all their heart.”
Sniffing, I averted my teary eyes. “It hurts so bad.”
“So it should.” She patted my leg with empathy. “The deeper the scar, the greater the love.” I knew very well that she was talking about a scar within me, because that’s exactly what I felt was missing, a part of my soul. However, I couldn’t help but look
Tears brimmed in my eyes as I swallowed hard. “I’m angry and disappointed—” I cast my eyes down to my fidgeting hands, “—and I feel worse because I know I don’t have the right to feel that way.”
Amanda blew across her tea before taking a sip. “Talk to me, Cassie. Let it all out.”
A shaky breath left my lips. “It’s not that I don’t like her. Marie is okay, I guess. I just don’t like how my dad is cutting flowers, Mom’s flowers , for her.” My voice was soft as I glanced at Amanda for a moment. “Or her food. I don’t like it. It’s different .”
Even though the words were coming out of my mouth, I couldn’t help but notice how childish I sounded.
Setting my lips in a straight line, I clenched my hands in tight fists. “I know I’m being selfish.” My brows were furrowed as I gazed at the window once again. “But it’s just that Mom isn’t here.” My voice cracked as the last words left my mouth.
I breathed out and rubbed the tears away with the back of my palm. “It’s like we’re replacing her. And I don’t want to do that.” I closed my eyes for a moment. “Not now, not ever . I can’t let her go. I want to hug her and I want to kiss her cheek, and I want to hear her laugh. Even her absolutely horrid sneeze.” I snorted at that as a tear rolled down my cheek. “I want her back.” My chest tightened as all the pain and sorrow from the night she passed away crashed down on me once again. “I can’t replace her. I need her. I need her back.” I choked on a sob as I finished talking. “I miss Mom,” I whispered as the tears rolled down. “I miss her so fucking much.”
Amanda stood up and walked to me, a tissue box in her hands. She gave one to me. Her eyes were sad and somewhat understanding. “I know it hurts, Cassie. But this—” she rubbed the back of her hand on my right cheek, “—this is what you need to do. You need to say it all, and you need to cry and mourn. Don’t keep it to yourself.”
“I hate crying,” I said between sobs.
“Me too. But it’s part of who I am, and I have to accept it,” she added softly while sitting next to me.
This sucks. This seriously sucks.
“Shouldn’t I feel better by now? Why do I cry so much? It’s been a while, and I still do it all the freaking time.”
Amanda grabbed my hand and looked straight at me. “You miss your Mom, Cass. That’s a huge deal. You’re going to cry the rest of your life for her; there are times where you’ll remember her and smile at the happy memories, but there are going to be times you’re going to miss her so much that you’re going to find yourself crying over her. Even years after. Something can trigger a memory of her for no discernable reason.” She handed me my mug.
Complying, I took a small sip as she eyed me softly. “The thing is, the more you love someone, the more you hurt when they’re gone. And that’s great. That means you loved her, and that you still do. That even though she’s not physically with you, she was so important that her loss is causing chaos inside you. That she left with a piece of you and you feel empty.” Her hazel eyes looked sad as she added, “That’s the way people should love all the time. With all their heart.”
Sniffing, I averted my teary eyes. “It hurts so bad.”
“So it should.” She patted my leg with empathy. “The deeper the scar, the greater the love.” I knew very well that she was talking about a scar within me, because that’s exactly what I felt was missing, a part of my soul. However, I couldn’t help but look
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