and I had our usual passionate snog and she got back in the car so that Jill could drop her off near the pub.
I decided to cross the bridge to St Jude’s and had a strange feeling come over me. I could still smell Jill’s perfume on my neck and although I knew it was wrong I became aroused. Deciding I had to pull myself together I distracted my mind by looking at the sad sight of St Jude’s, the main building was in the process of being demolished and I sat by a pile of rubble and sobbed. Confusion, guilt, you name it, I had every emotion in the book and the sadness of St Jude’s just about tipped the scales. It was at that point I felt life held no future for me and for the one and only time I considered taking my own life. At the time it was a serious thought and I considered chucking myself from the bridge in front of the 6 0’clock which was always my favourite train as it was steam hauled and, more often than not, by a named engine. The 6 0’clock had brought me many happy memories during my childhood. I can recall seeing named engines brightly painted and shining pulling the lovely green carriages of that time but sadly nowadays steam was in big decline and most engines were really filthy and the carriages looked fit for the scrapyard.
Eventually common sense prevailed as I put others before my cowardly self and it was my little sister Daisy, Mum, Dad and Grandad who I couldn’t do it to. Mum and Dad had saved my bacon so why should I wreck their lives? Deep down inside I knew whatever problems I brought to their door they would always stand by me, unlike Angela’s Dad, who seemed to think mostly of his own ego. He sounded a really shit example of a soldier to me and I bet he was a skin back fusilier.
Somehow I dried the tears, went home and changed and then went to have tea with Grandad. It started thundering and lightning and the heavens just opened up. His sister from up the road came rushing round in a panic, she was absolutely petrified of thunder. Grandad turned the lights out, turned the wireless off and lit three candles, which gave us enough light to play rummy. We could make a pot of tea with water that we had boiled on the kitchen range. People of that time were scared silly of electricity during thunderstorms. That evening turned out to be one of the most special of my life up until that time. I knew for sure that Grandad would never let me down, although shamefully I had let him down on so many occasions and I really didn’t like myself.
Today hadn’t answered too many questions, but two were answered with a big yes. Firstly I would never contemplate suicide again and secondly I must get my football back to where it was. I owed Grandad that much and decided I would never again let him down.
C HAPTER 23
Meet Me by the Car Park
Thursday was a weird day for me. I felt as though I was being unfaithful to Angela, although I wasn’t really doing that much wrong. Surely talking to her sister wasn’t a major crime? Who the hell was I kidding? If Jill had wanted to snog me no way could I have imagined me forcing her away, but that situation couldn’t possibly happen ….. could it?
Straight from school I rushed home to get smartened up a bit, had a quick game of catch with Daisy, who was getting quite good at it by now, I really wished she were able to play football as well. Mum asked if I was going for a job as a paper-boy or delivery boy as I was making more of an effort to look smart than usual. I stopped off at Grandad’s and left a note on the table right next to the teapot so as he couldn’t possibly miss it, explaining that I would be late and could he keep my tea warm on a saucepan.
Standing in the car park opposite Woollies staff entrance I didn’t have a clue what I was doing there and thought Jill could have said whatever she needed to in front of Angela but she obviously had her reasons for secrecy. Staff began leaving in dribs and drabs until Jill finally came out looking a
I decided to cross the bridge to St Jude’s and had a strange feeling come over me. I could still smell Jill’s perfume on my neck and although I knew it was wrong I became aroused. Deciding I had to pull myself together I distracted my mind by looking at the sad sight of St Jude’s, the main building was in the process of being demolished and I sat by a pile of rubble and sobbed. Confusion, guilt, you name it, I had every emotion in the book and the sadness of St Jude’s just about tipped the scales. It was at that point I felt life held no future for me and for the one and only time I considered taking my own life. At the time it was a serious thought and I considered chucking myself from the bridge in front of the 6 0’clock which was always my favourite train as it was steam hauled and, more often than not, by a named engine. The 6 0’clock had brought me many happy memories during my childhood. I can recall seeing named engines brightly painted and shining pulling the lovely green carriages of that time but sadly nowadays steam was in big decline and most engines were really filthy and the carriages looked fit for the scrapyard.
Eventually common sense prevailed as I put others before my cowardly self and it was my little sister Daisy, Mum, Dad and Grandad who I couldn’t do it to. Mum and Dad had saved my bacon so why should I wreck their lives? Deep down inside I knew whatever problems I brought to their door they would always stand by me, unlike Angela’s Dad, who seemed to think mostly of his own ego. He sounded a really shit example of a soldier to me and I bet he was a skin back fusilier.
Somehow I dried the tears, went home and changed and then went to have tea with Grandad. It started thundering and lightning and the heavens just opened up. His sister from up the road came rushing round in a panic, she was absolutely petrified of thunder. Grandad turned the lights out, turned the wireless off and lit three candles, which gave us enough light to play rummy. We could make a pot of tea with water that we had boiled on the kitchen range. People of that time were scared silly of electricity during thunderstorms. That evening turned out to be one of the most special of my life up until that time. I knew for sure that Grandad would never let me down, although shamefully I had let him down on so many occasions and I really didn’t like myself.
Today hadn’t answered too many questions, but two were answered with a big yes. Firstly I would never contemplate suicide again and secondly I must get my football back to where it was. I owed Grandad that much and decided I would never again let him down.
C HAPTER 23
Meet Me by the Car Park
Thursday was a weird day for me. I felt as though I was being unfaithful to Angela, although I wasn’t really doing that much wrong. Surely talking to her sister wasn’t a major crime? Who the hell was I kidding? If Jill had wanted to snog me no way could I have imagined me forcing her away, but that situation couldn’t possibly happen ….. could it?
Straight from school I rushed home to get smartened up a bit, had a quick game of catch with Daisy, who was getting quite good at it by now, I really wished she were able to play football as well. Mum asked if I was going for a job as a paper-boy or delivery boy as I was making more of an effort to look smart than usual. I stopped off at Grandad’s and left a note on the table right next to the teapot so as he couldn’t possibly miss it, explaining that I would be late and could he keep my tea warm on a saucepan.
Standing in the car park opposite Woollies staff entrance I didn’t have a clue what I was doing there and thought Jill could have said whatever she needed to in front of Angela but she obviously had her reasons for secrecy. Staff began leaving in dribs and drabs until Jill finally came out looking a
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