Holidays in Hell: In Which Our Intrepid Reporter Travels to the World's Worst Places and Asks, "What's Funny About This" by P. J. O’Rourke Page A

thieves! You are not throwing off of minarets enough adultresses! You are not branding your slaves on their bottoms!" We'd appreciate that.

    So, although the opposition has a point, the government has a
point, too, and the college students. . . . Well, the college students don't have a point. They're just mouthing the standard Third
World college student take-out order: two anti-colonialisms, an
anti-capitalism with cheese and a small Che on the side. The
students are full of shit. That, however, puts them in perfect
harmony with the nation of Panama. The whole country is full of
shit. Or-since they're very nice people-let's say "the Panamanians have a poetic conception of the truth."
    The opposition movement was set off by anti-Noriega accusations from Colonel Roberto Diaz Herrera, who was forced to resign
as the Defense Forces second in command-not exactly an unbiased source. Diaz claimed, among other things, that Noriega and
the ex-chief of the U. S. Southern Command, the hopelessly respectable General Wallace Nutting, planted a bomb on Torrijoss
plane after-get this-luring it off-course by changing satellite
navigational signals. Diaz Herrera also underwent some kind of
religious conversion, then barricaded himself in his walled suburban mansion with the teachings of his spiritual guru and a gang of
armed supporters. He was all but receiving Radio Venus on his
bridgework when the government finally stormed his house and
hauled him off.
    Various "eyewitnesses' to the attack on Diaz's house told me
there were five dead bodies on the lawn, told me there were eight
dead bodies on the lawn, told me Diaz's only son was killed, told
me Diaz himself was killed, etc. Diaz has several sons, none of
whom were killed; nor was Diaz. Indeed, the ninety-minute fire
fight at the Diaz home didn't kill or seriously injure anyone, a very
Panamanian touch. Another witness told me Sandinista troops
participated in the battle dressed as Dobermans.
    Assorted tales from the government camp were just as silly.
The government press office circulated subliterate books and
pamphlets claiming that the pre-coup president, Arnulfo Arias,
murdered Jews and that the Jewish Eisenmann family, which owns
the principal opposition newspaper, is running an international
cocaine ring.

    This is radio bemba, "lip radio," and it is-after money, cars
and Japanese stereo equipment-the ruling passion of Panama.
During one hour in a discotheque, I heard the following nonsense:
    1. Noriega has picked every Miss Panama since he took over and
deflowers each of them.
    2. The last Miss Panama had to be married off to one of Noriega's
colonels at the insistence of Noriega's jealous wife.
    3. Mrs. Noriega killed her husband's mistress when the mistress
was six months pregnant.
    4. A pregnant woman was shot by the Dobermans when they
mistook the diaper she was hanging on a clothesline for a white
opposition flag.
    5. Werewolves are loose in the Panamanian countryside.
    Of course, an important part of radio bemba is blaming
absolutely everything on the United States. The opposition tells you
the U. S. isn't supporting them because Noriega is a tool of the CIA
(usually right after they've told you Noriega is in the pay of Danny
Ortega). The government tells you the opposition is controlled by
the U.S. embassy DCM, John F. Maistro, because he used to be in
Manila where he overthrew Marcos. And the college students tell
you all sorts of things very loudly in Spanish while shaking empty
pepper-gas cannisters under your nose. In this case the students do
have a point. TRIPLE CHASER GRENADE/FEDERAL LABORATORIES/
SALTSBURG, PENN. read the cannister labels. I don't know about
you, but it makes me sleep better at night knowing the U. S.
Defense Department keeps our allies supplied with these. Why, if
Panama should ever have to come to our aid in a war against
Russia, the Panamanians could just fill the air with pepper gas and
make the