murder?”
How the hell was I supposed to say no to that?
I stepped back and let him in, and Nash glanced around my room
like he hadn’t been there in years. And that’s kind of what it felt like. The
past month felt like an eternity—so much had changed in such a short period of
time that I couldn’t even hold all the facts in my head without getting a little
dizzy.
“You moved everything,” he said, making an obvious effort not
to slur the words.
“Yeah. I couldn’t… This is where I died. It was…” I swallowed
thickly and glanced at the floor. “I needed a change.”
He sat on my bed and Styx glanced at him in disinterest, then
went back to sleep. Nash stared at his hands while I hovered near the doorway,
uncomfortable in my own room. “I’ve been thinking about everything, trying to
make sense out of what happened, but I can’t do it. Everything was fine, and
then…” He looked up at me, frowning, like something horrible had just occurred
to him. “He gets to touch you now?”
“Everything wasn’t fine, Nash.”
He kept talking, like he hadn’t even heard me. “He gets to kiss
you, but I don’t? I don’t understand how we got here, Kaylee.”
“Nash—”
“I know the facts. I can sit here and list everything that
happened, every mistake either of us made, but when I do the math—I add it all
up over and over—it never works out like this in my head.”
“I know. The longer I think about any of it, the less sense it
makes, and I’m sorry about that.” I’d lost count of how many times I’d
apologized. “I don’t like how we got here, but this is where we’re supposed to
be.” I sat in my desk chair and rolled it closer to the bed. “We’re supposed to
be friends, Nash. Can’t you feel that? We were too close for too long to be
anything less, but we can’t be anything more. Not anymore.”
“Because of Tod.”
“No.” I shook my head, desperately hoping he’d understand what
I was trying to say. “Because of me. Because of you. Because we tried to make it
work, but we couldn’t. We tried so hard we nearly destroyed each other, and
that’s not what love is supposed to do, Nash. It’s supposed to lift you up and
make you feel whole, even if it hurts sometimes.”
Nash exhaled slowly, still staring at his hands, then he looked
up and met my gaze, and the vulnerability swirling within his nearly killed me.
Again. “Tod makes you feel like that? Whole?”
I nodded. “More whole than I’ve felt since…ever.” At least
since my mother died and my father left.
Nash’s forehead furrowed and his jaw clenched, like he was
holding back words he knew better than to say. Then he met my gaze, and I could
see the raw pain in his, unshielded, thanks to the whiskey. “I’m sorry I
couldn’t be that for you, Kaylee. I really wanted to. I wanted to be good enough
for you. I wanted to deserve you, and in a way, it was easier after you and he…”
His jaw clenched again, then the words tumbled out in an emotionally charged,
drunk free fall, and his gaze begged me to understand. “After I saw you with him
in the hall. Because you’d messed up, and I thought that if you weren’t perfect,
you could understand why I wasn’t, either, and we could fix things. But that was
when I thought it was just one kiss, and—”
Nash stopped and glanced at the floor, and when he looked up at
me, there were tears standing in his eyes. “If I hadn’t been high that day in
the parking lot—if I hadn’t started using again—would this have turned out
differently? Would you have given us another chance?”
My own tears answered his, and I rolled my chair closer to the
bed. “No, Nash. Please don’t ever think that. As bad as that afternoon was, you
and I had already broken up, and Tod and I were already together.” I sucked in a
deep breath, then said the only thing I could think of that might help him
understand. “He died for me, Nash. He refused to reap my soul, so Levi had
How the hell was I supposed to say no to that?
I stepped back and let him in, and Nash glanced around my room
like he hadn’t been there in years. And that’s kind of what it felt like. The
past month felt like an eternity—so much had changed in such a short period of
time that I couldn’t even hold all the facts in my head without getting a little
dizzy.
“You moved everything,” he said, making an obvious effort not
to slur the words.
“Yeah. I couldn’t… This is where I died. It was…” I swallowed
thickly and glanced at the floor. “I needed a change.”
He sat on my bed and Styx glanced at him in disinterest, then
went back to sleep. Nash stared at his hands while I hovered near the doorway,
uncomfortable in my own room. “I’ve been thinking about everything, trying to
make sense out of what happened, but I can’t do it. Everything was fine, and
then…” He looked up at me, frowning, like something horrible had just occurred
to him. “He gets to touch you now?”
“Everything wasn’t fine, Nash.”
He kept talking, like he hadn’t even heard me. “He gets to kiss
you, but I don’t? I don’t understand how we got here, Kaylee.”
“Nash—”
“I know the facts. I can sit here and list everything that
happened, every mistake either of us made, but when I do the math—I add it all
up over and over—it never works out like this in my head.”
“I know. The longer I think about any of it, the less sense it
makes, and I’m sorry about that.” I’d lost count of how many times I’d
apologized. “I don’t like how we got here, but this is where we’re supposed to
be.” I sat in my desk chair and rolled it closer to the bed. “We’re supposed to
be friends, Nash. Can’t you feel that? We were too close for too long to be
anything less, but we can’t be anything more. Not anymore.”
“Because of Tod.”
“No.” I shook my head, desperately hoping he’d understand what
I was trying to say. “Because of me. Because of you. Because we tried to make it
work, but we couldn’t. We tried so hard we nearly destroyed each other, and
that’s not what love is supposed to do, Nash. It’s supposed to lift you up and
make you feel whole, even if it hurts sometimes.”
Nash exhaled slowly, still staring at his hands, then he looked
up and met my gaze, and the vulnerability swirling within his nearly killed me.
Again. “Tod makes you feel like that? Whole?”
I nodded. “More whole than I’ve felt since…ever.” At least
since my mother died and my father left.
Nash’s forehead furrowed and his jaw clenched, like he was
holding back words he knew better than to say. Then he met my gaze, and I could
see the raw pain in his, unshielded, thanks to the whiskey. “I’m sorry I
couldn’t be that for you, Kaylee. I really wanted to. I wanted to be good enough
for you. I wanted to deserve you, and in a way, it was easier after you and he…”
His jaw clenched again, then the words tumbled out in an emotionally charged,
drunk free fall, and his gaze begged me to understand. “After I saw you with him
in the hall. Because you’d messed up, and I thought that if you weren’t perfect,
you could understand why I wasn’t, either, and we could fix things. But that was
when I thought it was just one kiss, and—”
Nash stopped and glanced at the floor, and when he looked up at
me, there were tears standing in his eyes. “If I hadn’t been high that day in
the parking lot—if I hadn’t started using again—would this have turned out
differently? Would you have given us another chance?”
My own tears answered his, and I rolled my chair closer to the
bed. “No, Nash. Please don’t ever think that. As bad as that afternoon was, you
and I had already broken up, and Tod and I were already together.” I sucked in a
deep breath, then said the only thing I could think of that might help him
understand. “He died for me, Nash. He refused to reap my soul, so Levi had
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