time when she trusted no one. She could try to tell him that she’d had to, that she hadn’t had a choice when he snuck onto the plane headed for Africa and her sister, but he didn’t buy that for a second.
“I’m glad you came here tonight,” she whispered finally. “I almost called … wanted to. But …”
“Yeah, I know. Look, Jamie, I won’t let you get in trouble for this, I’ll take the brunt of it. But I couldn’t leave things the way we did last night. I shouldn’t have thrown all of this at you the way I did. Not with everything else you’re dealing with.”
“The timing wasn’t the best—but you didn’t know about the break-in.”
“It freaked you out. I can see that.”
“It just … came at the wrong time.”
“It’s all right to be scared.”
“I don’t want to be. I keep telling Kevin that I’m fine, told the men watching the house that too. I think they believe me. And I’m lying to all of them.”
“You know as well as I do that fear’s a good thing—the best thing that could happen to you. Fear keeps you fierce, sharp. That’s how you need to be right now,” he told her.
“I used to think that way, but I don’t know anymore, Chris. The night Mike died, I was terrified.” Her voice was low and shaky and she still didn’t turn to look at him. Instead, she stared at the wall in front of her as though she could see the entire scene playing out in living color. “I thought I was prepared for anything. I mean, I’d had the best training. But the shots came so fast and I wasn’t ready. I was vulnerable.”
By the tone of her voice, it was obvious that was a feeling she despised. “There we were, in this desert just beyond the Texas–Mexico border, and I remember thinking, This is it—all these months of tracking this asshole and we’ve finally got him . But it wasn’t over—it was a trap. Handler was waiting for us—him and another guy, who was killed on the scene.”
She wiped away a stray tear with the palm of her hand and continued. “I think those first shots killed Mike instantly. I don’t even remember firing my gun, but I found out later that I’d hit Handler in the back. And then I looked down at Mike and there was so much blood. He was bleeding everywhere. I grabbed him. Tried CPR. But it was too late.” The tears flowed freely now that she’d gotten the story out in its entirety.
“It wasn’t your fault. You did everything right.”
“But I couldn’t save him.”
“You did your job.”
“I was supposed to protect him, the way he protected me.”
Chris shook his head. “You were too involved—that’s not always a good thing with a partner. It throws your game off. Makes you more vulnerable than you would be otherwise.”
“You think you were more vulnerable on your last mission because you were close to Mark?”
“I’m vulnerable every time I go out with those guys—we’re all close. Hell, I work with my brothers a lot of the time. The only way we get to do that is because they were never officially adopted by my parents. And yeah, it’s getting harder with every mission.” He hadn’t wanted to admit that, hadn’t even realized how much he meant it until the words spilled out.
“I never thought about that with Mike. I think … I think it was harder for him. He loved me more than I loved him.” She looked over at him. “That sounds horrible, doesn’t it?”
“It’s the way you felt.” He paused, and then, “You’re bringing a hell of a lot of baggage with you to your job then and now.”
“My other options were fry cook or working at a dry cleaners.” She grimaced. “This was the best option for me. I could protect myself. I had a built-in wall around me with the FBI—there was no way anyone would be able to investigate my real background information.”
“I’m sure Mike understood about your past—”
She cut him off. “He didn’t know.”
“You were with him for five years … why didn’t you
“I’m glad you came here tonight,” she whispered finally. “I almost called … wanted to. But …”
“Yeah, I know. Look, Jamie, I won’t let you get in trouble for this, I’ll take the brunt of it. But I couldn’t leave things the way we did last night. I shouldn’t have thrown all of this at you the way I did. Not with everything else you’re dealing with.”
“The timing wasn’t the best—but you didn’t know about the break-in.”
“It freaked you out. I can see that.”
“It just … came at the wrong time.”
“It’s all right to be scared.”
“I don’t want to be. I keep telling Kevin that I’m fine, told the men watching the house that too. I think they believe me. And I’m lying to all of them.”
“You know as well as I do that fear’s a good thing—the best thing that could happen to you. Fear keeps you fierce, sharp. That’s how you need to be right now,” he told her.
“I used to think that way, but I don’t know anymore, Chris. The night Mike died, I was terrified.” Her voice was low and shaky and she still didn’t turn to look at him. Instead, she stared at the wall in front of her as though she could see the entire scene playing out in living color. “I thought I was prepared for anything. I mean, I’d had the best training. But the shots came so fast and I wasn’t ready. I was vulnerable.”
By the tone of her voice, it was obvious that was a feeling she despised. “There we were, in this desert just beyond the Texas–Mexico border, and I remember thinking, This is it—all these months of tracking this asshole and we’ve finally got him . But it wasn’t over—it was a trap. Handler was waiting for us—him and another guy, who was killed on the scene.”
She wiped away a stray tear with the palm of her hand and continued. “I think those first shots killed Mike instantly. I don’t even remember firing my gun, but I found out later that I’d hit Handler in the back. And then I looked down at Mike and there was so much blood. He was bleeding everywhere. I grabbed him. Tried CPR. But it was too late.” The tears flowed freely now that she’d gotten the story out in its entirety.
“It wasn’t your fault. You did everything right.”
“But I couldn’t save him.”
“You did your job.”
“I was supposed to protect him, the way he protected me.”
Chris shook his head. “You were too involved—that’s not always a good thing with a partner. It throws your game off. Makes you more vulnerable than you would be otherwise.”
“You think you were more vulnerable on your last mission because you were close to Mark?”
“I’m vulnerable every time I go out with those guys—we’re all close. Hell, I work with my brothers a lot of the time. The only way we get to do that is because they were never officially adopted by my parents. And yeah, it’s getting harder with every mission.” He hadn’t wanted to admit that, hadn’t even realized how much he meant it until the words spilled out.
“I never thought about that with Mike. I think … I think it was harder for him. He loved me more than I loved him.” She looked over at him. “That sounds horrible, doesn’t it?”
“It’s the way you felt.” He paused, and then, “You’re bringing a hell of a lot of baggage with you to your job then and now.”
“My other options were fry cook or working at a dry cleaners.” She grimaced. “This was the best option for me. I could protect myself. I had a built-in wall around me with the FBI—there was no way anyone would be able to investigate my real background information.”
“I’m sure Mike understood about your past—”
She cut him off. “He didn’t know.”
“You were with him for five years … why didn’t you
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