His 'n' Hers by Mike Gayle

I’d told a real live human being that I loved them more than made up for my newly single status. It was kind of losing my I-love-you virginity, not the best experience of my life but I was hoping it would get better as I got older. Plus Michael’s reaction made the whole situation more tragic and that’s what I wanted in my life at the time – a bit of tragedy and drama.’
    ‘Who was next?’
    ‘After that I think it was Andrew Jarrett, who I went out with when I was seventeen.’
    ‘I don’t like the sound of Andrew Jarrett at all.’
    ‘Why?’
    ‘He sounds weaselly. Was he?’
    ‘Of course he wasn’t weaselly. He was gorgeous. So gorgeous I think I was in love with him before I started going out with him. It wasn’t just an obsession, I was genuinely in love with him. It’s funny, I can laugh about it now but I can remember sobbing my heart out night after night because I wasn’t his girlfriend. I hadn’t even talked to him at the time. But I tell you – and I’m not joking – I would’ve done anything for him. Absolutely anything. I got off with him at a party and I told him I loved him after all of three hours’ snogging him. I didn’t see much of him after that because he avoided me like the plague. It took me a while but I eventually worked out that it wasn’t the best idea to start declaring your love before the boy you’re with declares his.’
    ‘So when did you finally get a boy to do that?’
    ‘The summer before university. I met Steven Sanderson on holiday in Lanzarote. He was fantastically good-looking and very trendy and we had a great time. I was so pleased with myself that I had a friend take a whole roll of film of me and Steve so that I could send pictures to all my friends from school and sixth-form college – shallow, I know, but he was gorgeous. But even gorgeousness wears off after a while – I suppose you become immune to the effect. I wasn’t in love with him but I’m ashamed to say that I was desperate for him to be in love with me, if only to show that I was having some sort of effect on him. He said it about a month and a half into our relationship. He took me out to an Italian restaurant in town and we had what he thought was a romantic meal. The food was terrible, the waiters were hopeless, and Steven’s attempts at looking sophisticated were cack-handed at best. Over a glass of breadsticks he took my hand and told me he loved me. Refusing to learn the lessons of the past I felt bad that I’d made him say it so I said it back to him, and that seemed to make him happy. We lost interest in each other pretty much instantaneously after that and we didn’t so much split up as fade away.’
    ‘And number four?’
    ‘That was—’
    ‘Let me guess . . . Damon?’
    ‘Yeah.’
    ‘Fair enough. I mean, he was your boyfriend, after all.’ Jim pauses. ‘So how did he do it? Was it an all-singing, all-dancing, full-string-ensemble declaration?’
    ‘It was a bit sneaky, to be truthful. It took me totally by surprise. We’d only been together six weeks.’
    ‘Six weeks?’
    ‘Yeah, I know. We were on our way to a gig at the Humming-bird and we were walking along Bull Street when he just stopped and turned to me and said, “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. And I want to tell you that I’m falling in love with you.”’
    ‘So what did you say?’
    ‘It hadn’t occurred to me to be in love with Damon at this point but I hate being rude and couldn’t stand the prospect of him feeling bad all night just because I hadn’t said it back. So I smiled at him and said, “I love you too,” and his face just lit up and he was in a great mood all night. I felt awful about that because what I said wasn’t true, although it was true in the end.’
    ‘You really loved him, then?’
    ‘Yeah. It was different from all the other times, though. It was grown-up love.’
    ‘And how did it feel?’
    ‘It’s impossible to put into words. But when you feel