know. What the hell?” My voice starts to rise along with my level of irritation.
“She was diagnosed as a teenager. Once the doctors got her on a good balance of medications, she did well. Every now and then she would decide she didn’t need them. And whenever that happened, she ended up struggling. Why do you think I cut her as much slack as I did? It’s a common problem with people suffering from bipolar disorder.”
“I had no fucking idea. She never said one word about it. And as long as she lived here, she never had any prescriptions lying around either. Fuck! She’s been off her meds since at least November! Jesus Christ! Why didn’t anyone say anything?” I explode. My chair flies back when I abruptly stand up.
“I thought you knew. I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been trying for months to convince her she needed to go to the doctor’s and get put back on them. Oh my god. This is crazy. I can’t believe you didn’t know!” Kara stands now too.
“Her fucking parents should have told me after the miscarriage. That’s why they wanted her to move home. And instead of doing what was right, they left her to fend on her own. Son of a bitch! ” I’m losing it. My body is consumed with rage. I feel like tearing through the god damned room and destroying it.
“I needed the right tools to help her and they kept the most important one from me, the damned truth!” The mug on the table finds itself flying through the air, crashing into the wall. Little ceramic pieces and tea litter the kitchen. I officially feel like David Banner when he turns into the Incredible Hulk – completely out of control. I wouldn’t be surprised if my muscles are bulging, my veins popping and my clothes start ripping apart.
“Jacob. Please sit down. You’re starting to scare me.” Kara grabs my arm, but I yank it away from her.
“I can’t sit down. All I want to do is go pound some sense into her self-righteous, prick of a father.” My voice is louder now, reverberating throughout the apartment.
“Listen to me. Brooke was unwell. She needed to want to help herself. She was an adult. All we could do was try and help her.” Her hands rest on each side of my neck. I look into her eyes and try counting in order to calm my riotous emotions.
One… two… three… four… I barely get to five when Kara’s thumbs start gently rubbing my jaw. My body is still tense, but I can slowly feel calm starting to settle over me. The storm inside me starts shifting aside, leaving me standing exposed to her.
“You don’t understand. I could have helped her. She would have listened to me.” At her skeptical look, I continue and let her see what a failure I am. “She would have. I know it. Deep down I fucking know it. Don’t you see, I failed her.”
Kara shakes her head at me. “No. We all did. You can’t take this all on your shoulders. It isn’t healthy and it’s not what Brooke would have wanted.”
When I open my mouth to argue, I find a humorless laugh coming from my lips instead.
“You have no idea what Brooke would have wanted. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she died hating my guts.” I try to pull away, but her hands tighten on my neck.
“What is that supposed to mean? She loved you.” Poor, sweet Kara looks so confused. She has no idea what a heartless, selfish fuckwad I am.
“I don’t want to get into it.” And I don’t. I never want her to know how big of an asshole I really am. Right now, she looks at me like I’m worthy of kindness. I want to keep it that way for the time being.
I pull away from her fully this time and walk down the hall to the room I’m staying in. Once I locate my keys, I walk back to the kitchen where Kara is finishing up with cleaning the mess I made with the broken mug. I pick up my shoes by the door and sit on the couch to put them on.
“I’m sorry that you had to clean that up. I know I said we’d grab lunch, but there’s somewhere I need to be,” I murmur as I
“She was diagnosed as a teenager. Once the doctors got her on a good balance of medications, she did well. Every now and then she would decide she didn’t need them. And whenever that happened, she ended up struggling. Why do you think I cut her as much slack as I did? It’s a common problem with people suffering from bipolar disorder.”
“I had no fucking idea. She never said one word about it. And as long as she lived here, she never had any prescriptions lying around either. Fuck! She’s been off her meds since at least November! Jesus Christ! Why didn’t anyone say anything?” I explode. My chair flies back when I abruptly stand up.
“I thought you knew. I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been trying for months to convince her she needed to go to the doctor’s and get put back on them. Oh my god. This is crazy. I can’t believe you didn’t know!” Kara stands now too.
“Her fucking parents should have told me after the miscarriage. That’s why they wanted her to move home. And instead of doing what was right, they left her to fend on her own. Son of a bitch! ” I’m losing it. My body is consumed with rage. I feel like tearing through the god damned room and destroying it.
“I needed the right tools to help her and they kept the most important one from me, the damned truth!” The mug on the table finds itself flying through the air, crashing into the wall. Little ceramic pieces and tea litter the kitchen. I officially feel like David Banner when he turns into the Incredible Hulk – completely out of control. I wouldn’t be surprised if my muscles are bulging, my veins popping and my clothes start ripping apart.
“Jacob. Please sit down. You’re starting to scare me.” Kara grabs my arm, but I yank it away from her.
“I can’t sit down. All I want to do is go pound some sense into her self-righteous, prick of a father.” My voice is louder now, reverberating throughout the apartment.
“Listen to me. Brooke was unwell. She needed to want to help herself. She was an adult. All we could do was try and help her.” Her hands rest on each side of my neck. I look into her eyes and try counting in order to calm my riotous emotions.
One… two… three… four… I barely get to five when Kara’s thumbs start gently rubbing my jaw. My body is still tense, but I can slowly feel calm starting to settle over me. The storm inside me starts shifting aside, leaving me standing exposed to her.
“You don’t understand. I could have helped her. She would have listened to me.” At her skeptical look, I continue and let her see what a failure I am. “She would have. I know it. Deep down I fucking know it. Don’t you see, I failed her.”
Kara shakes her head at me. “No. We all did. You can’t take this all on your shoulders. It isn’t healthy and it’s not what Brooke would have wanted.”
When I open my mouth to argue, I find a humorless laugh coming from my lips instead.
“You have no idea what Brooke would have wanted. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she died hating my guts.” I try to pull away, but her hands tighten on my neck.
“What is that supposed to mean? She loved you.” Poor, sweet Kara looks so confused. She has no idea what a heartless, selfish fuckwad I am.
“I don’t want to get into it.” And I don’t. I never want her to know how big of an asshole I really am. Right now, she looks at me like I’m worthy of kindness. I want to keep it that way for the time being.
I pull away from her fully this time and walk down the hall to the room I’m staying in. Once I locate my keys, I walk back to the kitchen where Kara is finishing up with cleaning the mess I made with the broken mug. I pick up my shoes by the door and sit on the couch to put them on.
“I’m sorry that you had to clean that up. I know I said we’d grab lunch, but there’s somewhere I need to be,” I murmur as I
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