Here With Me by Heidi McLaughlin

crying. Only my self-inflicted pain doesn’t stop the tears from flowing.
    “I know Evan feels like he’s alone. It’s hard to describe, but I’ve always felt connected to him. Even when they told me he died, it was hard to believe. I thought that I’d feel my heart stop when he died, that I would know, but it was nothing like that. I had always sensed him around me, or would imagine him walking into the room I was in, and seconds later, there he was. I tried to explain myself to him once, and all he did was nod and say he felt it too.
    “I should’ve trusted my instincts, but I’m supposed to trust the people he works for and I did, and now look at where we are – sitting in your office trying to come up with a decent resolution.”
    “Why do you call the resolution decent, Ryley?” she asks, sliding her notepad to the side of her desk. I find it hard to believe she’s done analyzing my life, but I’m willing to appease her.
    “Like I’ve said, there’s so much hurt in my family right now, decent would be a godsend. Regardless of any choice I make, brothers will be torn apart. A family that has healed is once again experiencing the wounds that destroyed all of us. Julianne doesn’t know her son is alive, and Nate doesn’t know about his brother. Regardless of what Evan says, Nate wouldn’t hide this from me.”
    “What did Evan say?”
    I reach for a tissue and dab at my eyes. Today can’t end fast enough for me. “The day that Evan returned and I told him about Nate, Evan kept saying Nate knew. Everything from that day is so confusing. I didn’t ask Evan to elaborate. I didn’t think I needed to. I was in shock.”
    “You don’t sound so sure,” she states, adding to my uncertainty.
    “That’s because I’m not. Seeing him standing there, none of it makes sense.”
    The therapist picks up her pad and when I think she’s about to write another novel about my life, she slides it into an open desk drawer. She places her folded hands on top of her desk and attempts to smile. I know it’s hard for her to listen to my sob story and not judge me. I’m thankful she did.
    “As you know, I’m going to meet with Evan in a little while, but we’re not done. I’m very aware of your timeline to get things resolved. If I were in your shoes, I’d postpone the wedding until the three of you can sort everything out. I’m not saying cancel, but just put it off for a bit. I’m afraid you’d do yourself and Nate an injustice if you went through with the ceremony as planned.
    “I’ve cleared my calendar this week and plan to see you and Evan – together – in the next couple of days to discuss what methods need to be implemented for both of you to be successful parents to EJ because frankly, he’s the most important person in this travesty and we need to make sure he’s well taken care of.”
    I nod and stand, extending my hand to her. “I’m sorry I was so rude and absent when we began. I’ve had years of talking about Evan, to find closure and to have those wounds ripped open – sitting down and talking to a stranger was not something I wanted to do.”
    “I completely understand, Ryley.” She stands and walks me to the door. I pause, with my hand on the knob and brace myself. Evan could be there, waiting. We could see each other, make eye contact and both would see how much hurt we’ve been going through. Only, I don’t sense him there, but I’ve learned not to follow my gut anymore.
    “He’s not there, Ryley, if that’s why you’re waiting.” I let her words linger in the air as I open the door slowly to find Lois still with her nose in a magazine, just like I left her. She looks up, smiles softly and stands to take my hand.

“EVAN, I THINK WE’RE finished for today.”
    My head lifts quickly as I meet her gaze. There is a look of pity masking her smile. She can pity me. It’s understandable. If I were in her shoes I’d pity the person I am right now. I chance a look at the