over snacks and bedtimes with Jaylee and show him how to disable the house alarm in case of emergency. Jaylee gives no hint to the fact that we have a relationship outside of babysitter and mother. He even asks if he should answer the house phone if anyone calls.
I kiss the girls goodbye even though they ignore me completely, already absorbed in their movie.
I head to the door again to watch for Robert’s headlights. Jaylee follows me and my arm hair stands on end feeling his eyes on me from behind.
“I got something for you,” he says reaching deep into the pocket of his low-slung jeans. He grabs my hand and pulls my wedding band and engagement ring out of his pocket.
“Are you giving me back to Robert?” I ask.
Jaylee shakes his head with a somber ‘no’.
I see the light from Robert’s headlights at the top of the hill. I try to pull my hand back, but Jaylee digs in with his fingernails and pain sears into the meaty flesh of my thumb. He holds my hand in an iron grip and slips the rings back on my left ring finger with his other hand. Robert honks and I startle and wrench my wounded hand from his unrelenting one. Tears spring to my eyes and I instinctively bring the wound to my mouth and suck.
“Have fun, “ Jaylee says eyeing me up and down in my revealing dress. I can’t figure out what he’s trying to do.
“Fuck you,” I whisper and pull the door closed behind me. I jog to the warm yellow light of the Rover with Robert waiting for me at the wheel.
“You trust him alright?” Robert asks me as I climb up into the bucket seat.
“Of course,” I respond defensively. And the truth is that I do trust Jaylee. I know he’ll take good care of my girls. I look down at my hand and watch three tiny pinpoints of blood form on the little half moon slit that Jaylee left on the pad of my thumb. It smarts and I return it to my mouth and suck the blood away.
The view from the event is magical. I love any opportunity to see the skyline of New York City. It reminds me how much I love living here. The food is extravagant and the speeches are inspiring but my mind keeps returning to Jaylee and the girls and how I’d rather be home with them. I usually love going out and getting Robert all to myself, but tonight the vapid lawyer’s wives club seems surreal and almost intolerable. I can’t pretend to be interested in any of the conversations at our table and twice Roberts asks me if I’m feeling alright. I put on a pleasant face and drink my wine.
The pain in my little cut is strangely acute and I decide to take myself to the bathroom and wash it with soap and water, afraid that it might get infected. I run it under cold water and pump some soap into the palm of my other hand. My whole thumb throbs with heat. I understand abstractly why Jaylee hurt me. He cut me so as not to be left behind. He left a marker, a throbbing little reminder of his presence that constantly pulls my thoughts back to him. It’s weird and sadistic, but also clever. I think I like it. Sucking again on the half-moon, desire for Jaylee starts to rise in my body. When did I become so physically responsive? I look into my blue eyes trying to familiarize myself with the new overtly sexual Kate. Desire is a very powerful drug.
I haven’t yet the fearlessness to think about love when it comes to Jaylee. It seems like such an implausibility that even to consider it is a waste of time. Can I be in love with two different people at the same time? Can I love both Robert and Jaylee, and, if so, can I sustain it? Gazing into my little half-moon cut and catching my expression in the mirror tells me that I’m dangerously close to losing myself. I look possessed, like a woman with a mission. For the last decade or so the eyes looking back at me have always read complacent. These days I don’t even know what I’m capable of. I take out my phone to text Jaylee then think better of it and shove it back in my purse. I reluctantly rejoin Robert and
I kiss the girls goodbye even though they ignore me completely, already absorbed in their movie.
I head to the door again to watch for Robert’s headlights. Jaylee follows me and my arm hair stands on end feeling his eyes on me from behind.
“I got something for you,” he says reaching deep into the pocket of his low-slung jeans. He grabs my hand and pulls my wedding band and engagement ring out of his pocket.
“Are you giving me back to Robert?” I ask.
Jaylee shakes his head with a somber ‘no’.
I see the light from Robert’s headlights at the top of the hill. I try to pull my hand back, but Jaylee digs in with his fingernails and pain sears into the meaty flesh of my thumb. He holds my hand in an iron grip and slips the rings back on my left ring finger with his other hand. Robert honks and I startle and wrench my wounded hand from his unrelenting one. Tears spring to my eyes and I instinctively bring the wound to my mouth and suck.
“Have fun, “ Jaylee says eyeing me up and down in my revealing dress. I can’t figure out what he’s trying to do.
“Fuck you,” I whisper and pull the door closed behind me. I jog to the warm yellow light of the Rover with Robert waiting for me at the wheel.
“You trust him alright?” Robert asks me as I climb up into the bucket seat.
“Of course,” I respond defensively. And the truth is that I do trust Jaylee. I know he’ll take good care of my girls. I look down at my hand and watch three tiny pinpoints of blood form on the little half moon slit that Jaylee left on the pad of my thumb. It smarts and I return it to my mouth and suck the blood away.
The view from the event is magical. I love any opportunity to see the skyline of New York City. It reminds me how much I love living here. The food is extravagant and the speeches are inspiring but my mind keeps returning to Jaylee and the girls and how I’d rather be home with them. I usually love going out and getting Robert all to myself, but tonight the vapid lawyer’s wives club seems surreal and almost intolerable. I can’t pretend to be interested in any of the conversations at our table and twice Roberts asks me if I’m feeling alright. I put on a pleasant face and drink my wine.
The pain in my little cut is strangely acute and I decide to take myself to the bathroom and wash it with soap and water, afraid that it might get infected. I run it under cold water and pump some soap into the palm of my other hand. My whole thumb throbs with heat. I understand abstractly why Jaylee hurt me. He cut me so as not to be left behind. He left a marker, a throbbing little reminder of his presence that constantly pulls my thoughts back to him. It’s weird and sadistic, but also clever. I think I like it. Sucking again on the half-moon, desire for Jaylee starts to rise in my body. When did I become so physically responsive? I look into my blue eyes trying to familiarize myself with the new overtly sexual Kate. Desire is a very powerful drug.
I haven’t yet the fearlessness to think about love when it comes to Jaylee. It seems like such an implausibility that even to consider it is a waste of time. Can I be in love with two different people at the same time? Can I love both Robert and Jaylee, and, if so, can I sustain it? Gazing into my little half-moon cut and catching my expression in the mirror tells me that I’m dangerously close to losing myself. I look possessed, like a woman with a mission. For the last decade or so the eyes looking back at me have always read complacent. These days I don’t even know what I’m capable of. I take out my phone to text Jaylee then think better of it and shove it back in my purse. I reluctantly rejoin Robert and
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