face and nothing more until he touches it, one finger sliding down my cheek to my jaw.
And then, for a moment, I do feel different. Not beautiful, not something as simple as that.
I feel special. I feel like there is the world, and then there is Caleb and me. Just us, a broken little party of two but it isn’t so bad, being broken. Not with someone who understands. Not with him.
“I didn’t expect you,” he says, and then he presses his forehead against mine, his eyes closed. “I don’t know what to do.”
I look at him and I understand, but part of me wants there to be more. Wants to be special beyond the understanding we share.
Part of me just wants him to want me.
“I should go,” I say because I have felt want and it didn’t do me any favors and Mom is dead and Caleb isn’t going to save me and I don’t know if I should trust myself because I used to believe that to have the perfect life, I just needed to study and work hard.
And look where that got me.
I get out of the car and head into school. I don’t look back, but I spend what’s left of the day hiding in one of the girls’ bathrooms and thinking about him.
It’s actually a relief when the final bell rings and I go out and find Dan. I don’t understand this part of me, the thing inside me that has let me think about something other than Mom. I know that I am still living but it hasn’t—
It hasn’t been like this.
At the hospital, I sit in the cafeteria, a fruit cup smelling of canned pineapple in front of me.
I see Caleb’s cart after Dan comes to get me, as I’m walking to Mom.
I stop. I pull the package of cotton candy out of my bag, the one from this morning, put it on the cart and then I go see her.
When I sit down, I tell her everything.
“Are you mad?” I say, and I don’t think she would be, but she would be worried. She wanted me to be safe, to be with a guy like Dan or my father.
My father, who died, and Dan.
Dan, who did this.
“Would you—?” My voice breaks, and I hold her hand tight. Will her to somehow hear me. To show me a sign. Something, anything.
She’s silent, but her belly ripples. I swallow and close my eyes.
29
I see Caleb the next day, as I’m standing by Olivia’s locker before first period.
“So you were really quiet last night,” she’s saying and I nod because I was. Olivia came over and talked about Roger and asked about Mom, and then she painted her fingernails with magic markers I bought to do a project I know I signed up for but remember nothing about.
She’s still talking, and I see Caleb and I know he sees me and I like that I know that, that I see him seeing me, and then he is coming over.
I am watching him walk toward me and we have talked, I have told him things I haven’t even told Olivia, but we haven’t really talked at school.
We haven’t talked where everyone can see us.
“Hey,” he says and his hair is in his face again. I tilt my own head back so I can see him a little better and catch his grin, slight and embarrassed, and he pushes his hair back, those cheekbones a little red. “Thanks for...you know.”
I think he means yesterday but he could also mean the cotton candy or both, but I feel people looking at us and I know I have to say something. “Sure.”
His grin grows wider but his eyes get serious, and now I know what he means. He means yesterday. His house, his life. The truths he told.
How I stayed after I heard them.
He moves a little, his hair starting to fall forward, and I reach out and touch one side of it, the curls sliding over my fingers.
We both still and I feel the same jolt I did yesterday, only now it’s stronger.
It’s stronger and it’s confusing but I don’t want to turn away.
He stares at me and I am staring back and he leans in a little, leans in toward me, and I could touch his face, I could slide my hand so it would rest on the line of his jaw, like he touched me before. I could—
“Emma?” Olivia says, and she sounds
And then, for a moment, I do feel different. Not beautiful, not something as simple as that.
I feel special. I feel like there is the world, and then there is Caleb and me. Just us, a broken little party of two but it isn’t so bad, being broken. Not with someone who understands. Not with him.
“I didn’t expect you,” he says, and then he presses his forehead against mine, his eyes closed. “I don’t know what to do.”
I look at him and I understand, but part of me wants there to be more. Wants to be special beyond the understanding we share.
Part of me just wants him to want me.
“I should go,” I say because I have felt want and it didn’t do me any favors and Mom is dead and Caleb isn’t going to save me and I don’t know if I should trust myself because I used to believe that to have the perfect life, I just needed to study and work hard.
And look where that got me.
I get out of the car and head into school. I don’t look back, but I spend what’s left of the day hiding in one of the girls’ bathrooms and thinking about him.
It’s actually a relief when the final bell rings and I go out and find Dan. I don’t understand this part of me, the thing inside me that has let me think about something other than Mom. I know that I am still living but it hasn’t—
It hasn’t been like this.
At the hospital, I sit in the cafeteria, a fruit cup smelling of canned pineapple in front of me.
I see Caleb’s cart after Dan comes to get me, as I’m walking to Mom.
I stop. I pull the package of cotton candy out of my bag, the one from this morning, put it on the cart and then I go see her.
When I sit down, I tell her everything.
“Are you mad?” I say, and I don’t think she would be, but she would be worried. She wanted me to be safe, to be with a guy like Dan or my father.
My father, who died, and Dan.
Dan, who did this.
“Would you—?” My voice breaks, and I hold her hand tight. Will her to somehow hear me. To show me a sign. Something, anything.
She’s silent, but her belly ripples. I swallow and close my eyes.
29
I see Caleb the next day, as I’m standing by Olivia’s locker before first period.
“So you were really quiet last night,” she’s saying and I nod because I was. Olivia came over and talked about Roger and asked about Mom, and then she painted her fingernails with magic markers I bought to do a project I know I signed up for but remember nothing about.
She’s still talking, and I see Caleb and I know he sees me and I like that I know that, that I see him seeing me, and then he is coming over.
I am watching him walk toward me and we have talked, I have told him things I haven’t even told Olivia, but we haven’t really talked at school.
We haven’t talked where everyone can see us.
“Hey,” he says and his hair is in his face again. I tilt my own head back so I can see him a little better and catch his grin, slight and embarrassed, and he pushes his hair back, those cheekbones a little red. “Thanks for...you know.”
I think he means yesterday but he could also mean the cotton candy or both, but I feel people looking at us and I know I have to say something. “Sure.”
His grin grows wider but his eyes get serious, and now I know what he means. He means yesterday. His house, his life. The truths he told.
How I stayed after I heard them.
He moves a little, his hair starting to fall forward, and I reach out and touch one side of it, the curls sliding over my fingers.
We both still and I feel the same jolt I did yesterday, only now it’s stronger.
It’s stronger and it’s confusing but I don’t want to turn away.
He stares at me and I am staring back and he leans in a little, leans in toward me, and I could touch his face, I could slide my hand so it would rest on the line of his jaw, like he touched me before. I could—
“Emma?” Olivia says, and she sounds
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