mirror. I hate what I see there. I only look in the mirror for a few seconds to comb my hair or put on some lipstick.” The reason Marilyn felt this way toward herself was that both her parents treated her with con- tempt. They made it clear that they did not want her and that she was in the way. Parental criticism and contempt can cause children to hate themselves and their bodies, often leading to self-mutilation and other self-destructive behaviors. In order to heal this self-hatred, Marilyn needed to work on rejecting the negative parental messages that helped to create it. (You will learn how to do this in part two of this book.)
Exercise: What Were the Messages You Received?
Make a list of all the messages concerning your body that you remember receiving from peers, siblings, and friends from the time when you were a child until the present. Include nicknames and insults from your siblings and peers, and things that you have been told by friends and lovers.
List the messages you received from your parents concern- ing your body. Include verbal and nonverbal messages.
Review your two lists and put a star beside each message that still has an effect on you (the ones you still believe, and the ones that are still replayed in your head).
Children who are highly criticized by their parents, especially when their bodies are criticized, tend to internalize the quest for flaws. They look at their bodies in a similarly critical way, evaluating and rejecting the slightest imperfections. As long as we constantly compare ourselves to an ideal standard, we conclude that self- improvement is necessary for self-acceptance.
The following exercise was designed to help you begin to view your body in an entirely different way.
Exercise: What Is Your Body Trying to Tell You?
Look at your face in the mirror. What does your face tell you about yourself? For example, do you look sad? Angry? Afraid? Ashamed?
Come closer to the mirror. Look deep into your eyes. What do you see there? Fear? Anger? Sadness? Shame?
In a full-length mirror take a close look at your body, not from the standpoint of evaluating it but from the perspec- tive of seeing what your body says about you. What is your body telling you about yourself? Is it trying to tell you that you are angry? Sad? Afraid? Ashamed? Is it trying to tell you that you are not taking care of it properly—that you are neglecting it the same way your parents did? Is it trying to tell you that you are abusing it the same way your parents
did? Is your body telling you that it is trying to protect you from further harm?
Take a close look at your posture. Do you stand up straight or do you tend to hunch over? Is one shoulder higher than the other? What do you think these things say about you?
Body Issues as Red Flags
Sometimes the parts of our bodies we dislike the most are caused by genetics—we inherit a parent’s nose or a predisposition to be overly thin. But other times a problem body area is a red flag, telling us that something is wrong. For example, obese people often use eating to deny inner pain. Allowing themselves to acknowledge and feel their pain can help to alleviate the need to suppress feelings with food.
Our bodies are mirrors. They reflect what is really going on inside of us. If you are sad, your face and your body will reflect this sadness in some way. If you look deep into your eyes, you will see the sadness and the pain that is inside you. If you look at your expression, you will likely see sadness in the downturn of your mouth, stress in the pinched lines between your brows.
Our body also reflects how we really feel about ourselves. If we are filled with self-loathing, we will likely see it in our bodies. It might be revealed by being far too thin from depriving ourselves of needed nourishment. It may be revealed by punishing our bodies with alcohol or drugs. Or it may be revealed by the scarring on our arms from con- tinual cutting.
When Anna was very young,
Exercise: What Were the Messages You Received?
Make a list of all the messages concerning your body that you remember receiving from peers, siblings, and friends from the time when you were a child until the present. Include nicknames and insults from your siblings and peers, and things that you have been told by friends and lovers.
List the messages you received from your parents concern- ing your body. Include verbal and nonverbal messages.
Review your two lists and put a star beside each message that still has an effect on you (the ones you still believe, and the ones that are still replayed in your head).
Children who are highly criticized by their parents, especially when their bodies are criticized, tend to internalize the quest for flaws. They look at their bodies in a similarly critical way, evaluating and rejecting the slightest imperfections. As long as we constantly compare ourselves to an ideal standard, we conclude that self- improvement is necessary for self-acceptance.
The following exercise was designed to help you begin to view your body in an entirely different way.
Exercise: What Is Your Body Trying to Tell You?
Look at your face in the mirror. What does your face tell you about yourself? For example, do you look sad? Angry? Afraid? Ashamed?
Come closer to the mirror. Look deep into your eyes. What do you see there? Fear? Anger? Sadness? Shame?
In a full-length mirror take a close look at your body, not from the standpoint of evaluating it but from the perspec- tive of seeing what your body says about you. What is your body telling you about yourself? Is it trying to tell you that you are angry? Sad? Afraid? Ashamed? Is it trying to tell you that you are not taking care of it properly—that you are neglecting it the same way your parents did? Is it trying to tell you that you are abusing it the same way your parents
did? Is your body telling you that it is trying to protect you from further harm?
Take a close look at your posture. Do you stand up straight or do you tend to hunch over? Is one shoulder higher than the other? What do you think these things say about you?
Body Issues as Red Flags
Sometimes the parts of our bodies we dislike the most are caused by genetics—we inherit a parent’s nose or a predisposition to be overly thin. But other times a problem body area is a red flag, telling us that something is wrong. For example, obese people often use eating to deny inner pain. Allowing themselves to acknowledge and feel their pain can help to alleviate the need to suppress feelings with food.
Our bodies are mirrors. They reflect what is really going on inside of us. If you are sad, your face and your body will reflect this sadness in some way. If you look deep into your eyes, you will see the sadness and the pain that is inside you. If you look at your expression, you will likely see sadness in the downturn of your mouth, stress in the pinched lines between your brows.
Our body also reflects how we really feel about ourselves. If we are filled with self-loathing, we will likely see it in our bodies. It might be revealed by being far too thin from depriving ourselves of needed nourishment. It may be revealed by punishing our bodies with alcohol or drugs. Or it may be revealed by the scarring on our arms from con- tinual cutting.
When Anna was very young,
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