insen- sitive adults said things such as, “My, she is a fat one, isn’t she?” or “He must look like his father” (implying that he doesn’t look like his attractive mother), you probably ended up not feeling very good about your appearance.
Peer Acceptance and Rejection
It is very important to children and adolescents that they be accepted by their peers. If they have this acceptance, they tend to have high self-esteem, while those who experience rejection, teasing, or indiffer- ence tend to have lower self-esteem. Name-calling is particularly hurt- ful to children and can affect their body image negatively. Names such as “Fatso” can stay with a person for a lifetime, as happened to Hank: “It’s pretty difficult to think of yourself as sexually attractive to women when you were called a “nerd” or a “fag” most of your child- hood. Those words still ring in my ears every time I even think of asking a girl out.”
Rejection or indifference from the opposite sex can be particularly devastating to a person’s body image and can be the start of an adoles- cent believing that she or he is not attractive or desirable, as it did with Ellen: “Boys just never paid any attention to me in school. I was taller than most of them and my parents couldn’t afford to buy my clothes at a specialty store, so they were usually either too short or too long. By the time I was in junior high school I just gave up trying to get their attention.”
The Effects of Emotional Abuse, Neglect, and Smothering on Our Body Image
We all have issues with our bodies. We feel we are too fat or too short or that our bodies are not in proportion. But if we were emotionally abused or deprived in childhood we tend to have far greater body issues. We may have taken on our parents’ negative messages and pro- jections about our bodies in comments like “God help you, you’ve got the Hanson nose.” But more important, when we look in the mirror we often see our own self-loathing reflected back on ourselves—the self-loathing that often comes from having been criticized, ignored, or viewed with contempt by our parents.
If a child is emotionally, physically, or sexually abused, she or he is especially likely to have a problematic body image. Nothing erodes a
child’s confidence more than experiencing this kind of abuse, particu- larly when it comes from parents. This is partly because children tend to blame themselves instead of being willing to experience the alien- ation that feeling anger toward the abusive parent can create. A great deal of this self-blame turns into self-loathing—in particular a hatred of the child’s own body.
Many emotionally abusive parents attack their child’s physical appearance, as in the case of Brenda: “My father would periodically go on a rampage—shouting and throwing things at my mother and then bursting into my bedroom and yelling horrible things at me. He’d tell me that I was ugly and that no man would ever want me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the same words over and over in my own head.”
Fathers have a tremendous effect on a daughter’s body image. If a girl knows that her father loves her and thinks she is attractive, she is more likely to feel attractive to other men. If, on the other hand, she feels rejected by her father or thinks he sees her as unattractive, she will generalize this to all men.
When the body is labeled inadequate, especially by a parent, the self feels diminished as well. This can lead to self-defeating behaviors. Adults who were abused as children often ignore, neglect, and even abuse their bodies, seeing them as objects of shame. Survivors of abuse tend to cover up their bodies, hiding them from themselves and the rest of the world.
Parental neglect, contempt, or verbal abuse can convince a child that she is completely worthless, unlovable, and ugly inside and out. This was the case with my client Marilyn: “I can’t look in a
Peer Acceptance and Rejection
It is very important to children and adolescents that they be accepted by their peers. If they have this acceptance, they tend to have high self-esteem, while those who experience rejection, teasing, or indiffer- ence tend to have lower self-esteem. Name-calling is particularly hurt- ful to children and can affect their body image negatively. Names such as “Fatso” can stay with a person for a lifetime, as happened to Hank: “It’s pretty difficult to think of yourself as sexually attractive to women when you were called a “nerd” or a “fag” most of your child- hood. Those words still ring in my ears every time I even think of asking a girl out.”
Rejection or indifference from the opposite sex can be particularly devastating to a person’s body image and can be the start of an adoles- cent believing that she or he is not attractive or desirable, as it did with Ellen: “Boys just never paid any attention to me in school. I was taller than most of them and my parents couldn’t afford to buy my clothes at a specialty store, so they were usually either too short or too long. By the time I was in junior high school I just gave up trying to get their attention.”
The Effects of Emotional Abuse, Neglect, and Smothering on Our Body Image
We all have issues with our bodies. We feel we are too fat or too short or that our bodies are not in proportion. But if we were emotionally abused or deprived in childhood we tend to have far greater body issues. We may have taken on our parents’ negative messages and pro- jections about our bodies in comments like “God help you, you’ve got the Hanson nose.” But more important, when we look in the mirror we often see our own self-loathing reflected back on ourselves—the self-loathing that often comes from having been criticized, ignored, or viewed with contempt by our parents.
If a child is emotionally, physically, or sexually abused, she or he is especially likely to have a problematic body image. Nothing erodes a
child’s confidence more than experiencing this kind of abuse, particu- larly when it comes from parents. This is partly because children tend to blame themselves instead of being willing to experience the alien- ation that feeling anger toward the abusive parent can create. A great deal of this self-blame turns into self-loathing—in particular a hatred of the child’s own body.
Many emotionally abusive parents attack their child’s physical appearance, as in the case of Brenda: “My father would periodically go on a rampage—shouting and throwing things at my mother and then bursting into my bedroom and yelling horrible things at me. He’d tell me that I was ugly and that no man would ever want me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the same words over and over in my own head.”
Fathers have a tremendous effect on a daughter’s body image. If a girl knows that her father loves her and thinks she is attractive, she is more likely to feel attractive to other men. If, on the other hand, she feels rejected by her father or thinks he sees her as unattractive, she will generalize this to all men.
When the body is labeled inadequate, especially by a parent, the self feels diminished as well. This can lead to self-defeating behaviors. Adults who were abused as children often ignore, neglect, and even abuse their bodies, seeing them as objects of shame. Survivors of abuse tend to cover up their bodies, hiding them from themselves and the rest of the world.
Parental neglect, contempt, or verbal abuse can convince a child that she is completely worthless, unlovable, and ugly inside and out. This was the case with my client Marilyn: “I can’t look in a
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