Heading Inland by Nicola Barker Page B

this was true.
    ‘Yes.’
    Ralph’s penis was stretched and erect under the fabric of his jeans.
    ‘Tina,’ Paolo said softly. ‘Make yourself comfortable on the bed. I myself will take the other chair.’
    Tina did as Paolo had asked. Paolo pulled a chair over to a position directly opposite Ralph’s, and then settled himself into it. Nobody spoke. Finally, Tina said gently, ‘It’s late. Hadn’t Ralph better get going?’
    Ralph nodded keenly, all previous thoughts of his improbable connection with Tina patently abandoned.
    ‘No, Tina,’ Paolo replied calmly. ‘Now we wait.’
    Tina frowned. ‘But what for?’
    ‘We wait until his magical erection goes down. Then I will kill him.’
    Ralph’s eyes widened. So did Tina’s. Paolo just smiled and kept his eyes fixed on Ralph’s thighs. Ralph squirmed.
    ‘Ah yes!’ Paolo sneered, looking and sounding quite demonic. ‘Try and maintain that erection under real pressure, little man. We’ll all see how long it lasts, eh, Tina?’
    Tina cleared her throat. ‘But maybe, Paolo . . .’
    Paolo silenced her with an impressive jerk of his eyebrow. ‘You called me, Tina, and I came. This is my business now. Keep out of it.’ Tina retreated back on to her pillows.
    Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. Thirty minutes passed. Nothing moved except for Tina’s eyes which turned every so often towards the clock on her bedside table. After forty minutes Paolo was still as watchful and focused as a kestrel in a summer wheatfield. Ralph was pale and bug-eyed and sweating. But his erection remained prodigious.
    Eventually Paolo stirred. ‘Tina, I need to use your bathroom.’ Tina nodded. Paolo stood, went to the window and fastened it, turning the security lock at its base and pocketing the key.
    ‘The room keys?’
    Tina pointed to the bedside table. Paolo picked these up on his way into the bathroom. He closed the door behind him.
    In a flash Ralph turned to her and whispered frantically. ‘He’s a fucking maniac! He’s going to kill me. He means it. Why the fuck did you have to go and phone him?’
    Tina gaped. ‘Me? Why did I phone him? It was your idea in the first place. How was I to know he’d react this way? Anyhow,’ Tina pointed, ‘the erection’s still there, isn’t it?’
    Ralph unzipped his fly and brought out a cheese straw. Tina stared, dumbstruck. Finally she murmured, ‘What is that?’
    ‘What does it look like? I never had an erection. It was a wind-up. I wanted to pay you back for being such a stuck-up bitch the other day. And for passing me over.’
    ‘Passing you over? Are you mad?’
    ‘I was going to run off once you’d phoned him, so that he’d come round and you’d look stupid. But,’ he indicated the zip on his fly, ‘this fucking thing did get caught and I was stuck there for a while so then I thought, why the hell not sit this out and be in on all the fun?’
    The toilet flushed. Tina gestured frantically. ‘Put that back in! He’s coming.’
    A droplet of perspiration had formed on the tip of Ralph’s nose. ‘I can’t. It’s crumbling. It’s hot down there.’ He waved the straw and it drooped. Tina’s hand darted into her pocket and she pulled out the Bic pen.
    ‘Take this. Quickly.’
    Ralph snatched the pen and stuck it down his trousers with dispatch. Just in time. Paolo came strolling out of the bathroom. Tina was still staring anxiously in Ralph’s direction and so failed to detect that Paolo was holding something in his hands. Her bag. After a cursory glance at Ralph’s genitals, he sat down in his chair again and placed the bag on his lap.
    ‘Tina, could you possibly explain something for me?’
    Tina glanced over. ‘Paolo?’
    ‘Could you perhaps explain why it was that when I went to wash my hands in your sink I found your handbag in there, and it was open, and inside it was the mushroom dinner I cooked you?’
    Ralph turned and appraised Tina. His mouth had fallen slightly ajar. Tina looked down at the