cum and mothballs under here.’
‘We’re cursed!’ Tina exclaimed dramatically, half meaning it, half not.
‘Bullshit!’ Ralph sounded utterly unperturbed. ‘I don’t believe in that stuff.’
‘But you believe it’s fate that we should be together? That’s so stupid. Maybe I should call down for a porter.’
Ralph continued to fiddle. ‘Great idea. Try explaining this situation in pidgin Italian.’
‘I’m tired.’
‘Ring Paolo, then,’ Ralph said brightly. ‘Explain things to him.’
Tina blinked. ‘Paolo? No way.’
‘Why not?’
‘I’ll look stupid.’
‘Hardly. I’m the one looking ridiculous here, not you.’
Tina said nothing. Ralph, in turn, ruminated for a while. Then he said, quite softly, almost inaudibly. ‘Maybe you’re right, though, maybe I shouldn’t have taken that bone after all.’
Tina froze. ‘ What ?’
‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken it. I should have just dumped it.’
Tina’s hands formed into fists. ‘You took the bone? Is that what you’re saying?’
‘Not exactly.’ Ralph tried to stifle a yawn but failed. ‘You did.’
Tina’s hands flew to her throat. It tightened.
‘You nearly slipped, remember? I thought that monk fella was coming so I tossed the bone into your jacket pocket.’
Tina stared down at her jacket. She took two deep breaths, and then slowly, fearfully, she slipped her hand into her right pocket. Inside she found some tissues and a couple of English coins. Nothing else. She exhaled her relief and then steeled herself for the left pocket. She dipped in her hand . . . More tissues, an old bus ticket, and then? Something stiff and slim and potentially fibrous. Gently, gently she withdrew it. The bone. Only it wasn’t a bone, it was a Bic pen. Yellow, innocuous.
‘You bastard !’
Ralph howled. ‘Sorry,’ he coughed, between gasps. ‘I guess that was rather close to the bone !’ He laughed some more. Tina said nothing. Instead she went and picked up the phone.
Most of it she explained there and then. The remainder she whispered to him outside on the fire escape, away from Ralph’s prying ears. Of course he was angry. But there was a slant to Paolo’s anger that Tina hadn’t anticipated. It wasn’t the sacrilege or the invasion of her privacy or even the lie over her former intimacy with Ralph that he minded. It was the erection.
‘A 24-hour erection? No way. It is not possible.’
Paolo clambered into the room, got down on to his hands and knees and stared at Ralph and his entrapped member. Ralph shielded himself with an outstretched hand. ‘What is this?’
Paolo was undaunted. ‘No way. I am a doctor. I have never heard of such a thing.’
Ralph grinned, sensing Paolo’s pique. ‘Actually, it’s been more than twenty-four hours now. It’s closer to thirty.’
Paolo swore in Italian and then stood up. ‘OK, turn away, Tina, I don’t want you seeing anything that might prove unsettling. And you . . .’ He kicked Ralph’s foot.
‘Ow!’
‘You, get ready for me to lift the bed. I’ll go slowly but prepare yourself for some discomfort.’
Tina turned away. Paolo braced himself, grunted and then lifted. Ralph cursed and rapidly made some necessary adjustments.
‘Right,’ he said finally, ‘I’m decent. Hold it three seconds longer, Paolo, and I’ll roll out from under.’
After exactly three seconds Paolo dropped the bed, unceremoniously. Ralph tried to stand up. But before he could straighten himself Paolo had darted over and shoved him, quite forcefully, in the centre of his chest. Ralph jerked and then wilted. Paolo was at least a foot taller than he was.
‘Sit! Over there. In that chair.’
Paolo pointed. Ralph winced, staggered over and sat down.
‘Now what?’
‘So,’ Paolo glared at the significant protuberance between Ralph’s thighs. ‘I can clearly see that there is indeed some activity in your trousers.’
Ralph looked down at himself, as if to confirm in his own mind that
‘We’re cursed!’ Tina exclaimed dramatically, half meaning it, half not.
‘Bullshit!’ Ralph sounded utterly unperturbed. ‘I don’t believe in that stuff.’
‘But you believe it’s fate that we should be together? That’s so stupid. Maybe I should call down for a porter.’
Ralph continued to fiddle. ‘Great idea. Try explaining this situation in pidgin Italian.’
‘I’m tired.’
‘Ring Paolo, then,’ Ralph said brightly. ‘Explain things to him.’
Tina blinked. ‘Paolo? No way.’
‘Why not?’
‘I’ll look stupid.’
‘Hardly. I’m the one looking ridiculous here, not you.’
Tina said nothing. Ralph, in turn, ruminated for a while. Then he said, quite softly, almost inaudibly. ‘Maybe you’re right, though, maybe I shouldn’t have taken that bone after all.’
Tina froze. ‘ What ?’
‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken it. I should have just dumped it.’
Tina’s hands formed into fists. ‘You took the bone? Is that what you’re saying?’
‘Not exactly.’ Ralph tried to stifle a yawn but failed. ‘You did.’
Tina’s hands flew to her throat. It tightened.
‘You nearly slipped, remember? I thought that monk fella was coming so I tossed the bone into your jacket pocket.’
Tina stared down at her jacket. She took two deep breaths, and then slowly, fearfully, she slipped her hand into her right pocket. Inside she found some tissues and a couple of English coins. Nothing else. She exhaled her relief and then steeled herself for the left pocket. She dipped in her hand . . . More tissues, an old bus ticket, and then? Something stiff and slim and potentially fibrous. Gently, gently she withdrew it. The bone. Only it wasn’t a bone, it was a Bic pen. Yellow, innocuous.
‘You bastard !’
Ralph howled. ‘Sorry,’ he coughed, between gasps. ‘I guess that was rather close to the bone !’ He laughed some more. Tina said nothing. Instead she went and picked up the phone.
Most of it she explained there and then. The remainder she whispered to him outside on the fire escape, away from Ralph’s prying ears. Of course he was angry. But there was a slant to Paolo’s anger that Tina hadn’t anticipated. It wasn’t the sacrilege or the invasion of her privacy or even the lie over her former intimacy with Ralph that he minded. It was the erection.
‘A 24-hour erection? No way. It is not possible.’
Paolo clambered into the room, got down on to his hands and knees and stared at Ralph and his entrapped member. Ralph shielded himself with an outstretched hand. ‘What is this?’
Paolo was undaunted. ‘No way. I am a doctor. I have never heard of such a thing.’
Ralph grinned, sensing Paolo’s pique. ‘Actually, it’s been more than twenty-four hours now. It’s closer to thirty.’
Paolo swore in Italian and then stood up. ‘OK, turn away, Tina, I don’t want you seeing anything that might prove unsettling. And you . . .’ He kicked Ralph’s foot.
‘Ow!’
‘You, get ready for me to lift the bed. I’ll go slowly but prepare yourself for some discomfort.’
Tina turned away. Paolo braced himself, grunted and then lifted. Ralph cursed and rapidly made some necessary adjustments.
‘Right,’ he said finally, ‘I’m decent. Hold it three seconds longer, Paolo, and I’ll roll out from under.’
After exactly three seconds Paolo dropped the bed, unceremoniously. Ralph tried to stand up. But before he could straighten himself Paolo had darted over and shoved him, quite forcefully, in the centre of his chest. Ralph jerked and then wilted. Paolo was at least a foot taller than he was.
‘Sit! Over there. In that chair.’
Paolo pointed. Ralph winced, staggered over and sat down.
‘Now what?’
‘So,’ Paolo glared at the significant protuberance between Ralph’s thighs. ‘I can clearly see that there is indeed some activity in your trousers.’
Ralph looked down at himself, as if to confirm in his own mind that
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