Having Nathan's Baby by Fran Louise Page B

didn’t respond, but her smile indicated she was not exactly disagreeing. She looked out at the view for a moment, but didn’t flinch when she looked back at me. “Chloe, I’m sorry to be the one to have to say this,” she said. She sighed heavily. “The fact that you didn’t offer to bow out tells me you haven’t quite … accepted your situation yet. But we both know that this isn’t the right time for you to be in the race for partner.”
    I stilled. I felt a quake in my hands and I noticed with some embarrassment that the surface of the water rippled.
    Hilary frowned at me. “Take some time out,” she said, her voice softer now. “Have your family. There’s nothing stopping you from coming back in a few years’ time-”
    “There isn’t?” My voice sounded calm and low but inside I was trembling.
    “No.” Hilary was stern. “There isn’t.”
    I stared at her, the words echoing around my brain. Behind them, flashing like a neon sign, was the notion that I was out of the race. Just like that, after my coming in here today on a whim, Hilary had asked me to bow out. There was no going back.
    For all my efforts to the contrary, it seemed that the situation was now resolved. I tested my emotions as Hilary watched me carefully. I felt … at peace. It was like a lead cloak slipping from my shoulders and falling to the floor; the weight of the looming partnership had been tangible in its grip on me. It was an odd sensation given that this was not the outcome I’d wanted. Logic be damned, I felt a sudden brightening of my perspective. I even wondered if the sun wasn’t making an appearance through the white, snow-laden clouds.
    A reluctant frown appeared on Hilary’s face. “I do want you to come back, eventually, once the baby’s older,” she said. “Have two or three, but I want you to come back eventually.” Her smile was soft; I had never seen the woman look so approachable. “You’re a good lawyer, Chloe, and you’ll make an excellent partner one day. Even a managing partner like me, if that’s where your interests lie.” A frown appeared. “Don’t get totally sidetracked. Don’t put your life on hold for someone else’s goals. You only get one time around, and you have to remember to take care of your own needs and desires. You love the law, and trying to convince yourself of anything else would be lying.”
    I took a deep breath, pushing back against the tidal wave of emotion rising up in my chest. I’d needed to hear that, so badly. Life wasn’t all sacrifice and selflessness, not to me. It was about taking advantage of the opportunities I’d been given, about challenging myself. I was willing to do everything I could to make the people I loved happy, but I wouldn’t sacrifice myself in the process. If Nathan loved me, he wouldn’t ask me to, surely?
    Remembering Nathan, I felt a strange slide in my emotions, as though a carpet had been pulled out from under my feet. I’d forgotten about him for the first time in what felt like forever. It felt good to think about him again; I felt a rush of love, and none of the lingering guilt and resentment that had so engulfed my over the weekend. I wondered if the peace of mind concerning my career had anything to do with this.
    “I appreciate the advice.” I stood up, shaking Hilary’s hand formally. “You’re right ... I just needed to hear it from someone else.” I swallowed deeply. “I will come back, you know.”
    Hilary nodded. “The opportunities will still be here when you do,” she said. “This is a smart decision.”
    As smart decisions went, I had to agree it was on the list. I went back to my office feeling twenty pounds lighter. The nausea has passed. I attacked my lingering case files with gusto, tearing through the work with relish until, around nine pm I felt an angry welt of hunger slash across my insides. It was followed by a rash of butterflies low in my stomach; like popcorn popping. My hand instinctively fled to