Have a Nice Guilt Trip by Lisa Scottoline, Francesca Serritella
Authors: Lisa Scottoline, Francesca Serritella
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dough for my pets.
I take it out of their clothes budget.
I know I’m not alone, in that I’d spend money on my dog that I wouldn’t spend on myself.
Call me crazy.
Or dog-crazy.
My only other choice would be that Little Tony limps the rest of his life, and I couldn’t take the guilt.
Also how would he get back to the NBA?
So my dog works out, twice a week. He just had his first session, where he was evaluated and walked on an underwater treadmill. Lucky for me, he didn’t need the massage, laser therapy, or acupuncture. The gym also offers a shampoo and blow-dry, but I didn’t get one.
I mean, he didn’t.
And on the days he doesn’t go to his gym, Little Tony is supposed to work out at home. The gym gave me a list of fifteen exercises that target his “Hindlimbs, Forelimbs, and Core.”
Evidently the core is a trouble spot for dogs, too. I’m guessing that sit-ups would improve Little Tony’s core, but he doesn’t even sit.
Maybe he can just cut out the pizza.
Then he could be Littler Tony.
The exercises for his core also include Cookie Stretches, in which the dog stretches forward to reach a cookie.
I can do those.
I also do Chocolate Cake Stretches.
I’m so fit!
You can imagine how well our first at-home exercise session goes, with Push-Ups. In case you were wondering, a doggie push-up is accomplished thusly: “Ask pet to go from the lying position into a sit position and back to the lying position. Ask for 4–6 reps, 2–3x a day, 3–5 days a week.”
I asked Little Tony, but he didn’t answer.
Then I figured the way to get him to do his first push-up was to bribe him with treats, but all he did was lunge for the treats for five reps.
Pushing up or down was not involved. Only whimpering and whining, which does nothing to strengthen your core.
I should know.
So we moved on to Side Crunches, which are allegedly accomplished like this: “Put a treat on pet’s shoulder, hip, and hock, to allow stretching in the neck and back.”
First problem, I don’t know what a hock is, but no worries, I got my hands full with hips and shoulders. I put the treat on Little Tony’s back, but it slides off, whereupon he whips around and gobbles it off the floor.
The only thing that crunches are the treats.
Then I try to hold it on his back, but he keeps moving, turning around in a circle so he doesn’t have to do the crunch.
Who can blame him? Not me.
We try the Wheel Barrow, in which I’m supposed to “lift pet’s legs and ask pet to move forwards, backwards, and sideways in this position.”
I pick up Little Tony’s back legs and wheel-barrow him around the kitchen, whereupon he moves forwards, backwards, and sideways—all at the same time.
Until he gets free and runs away.
For five reps.
You get the idea. We struggle through Weight Shifting, Snoopies, and Stair-Lovin’, which is when we learn that Little Tony doesn’t love stairs.
Little Tony does his exercises.
Who does?
Five exercises later, I gain a new respect for Little Tony’s native intelligence, and I am puffing and panting.
So one of us got plenty of exercise.
Gifts for Him
By Francesca
It’s my first Christmas with my boyfriend, and choosing a gift for him is impossible. We’ve all heard the lament, what do you get the man who has everything? Well, my boyfriend is the man who needs everything.
He’s a musician and travels frequently. He’d be happy with his guitar and whatever clothes fit in a backpack. He doesn’t think much of material possessions.
Doesn’t he know the true meaning of Christmas?
I’ve heard him say he needs basics, like T-shirts, but if I get him a pack of Hanes, I’ll feel like his mom.
And while a man can give a woman lingerie, I can’t bring myself to present my boyfriend with “manties.”
I could splurge and get him some designer shirt, but that’s not his thing. He’s stylish, but not flashy. I actually like how he dresses. I don’t want to change him.
Don’t I
I take it out of their clothes budget.
I know I’m not alone, in that I’d spend money on my dog that I wouldn’t spend on myself.
Call me crazy.
Or dog-crazy.
My only other choice would be that Little Tony limps the rest of his life, and I couldn’t take the guilt.
Also how would he get back to the NBA?
So my dog works out, twice a week. He just had his first session, where he was evaluated and walked on an underwater treadmill. Lucky for me, he didn’t need the massage, laser therapy, or acupuncture. The gym also offers a shampoo and blow-dry, but I didn’t get one.
I mean, he didn’t.
And on the days he doesn’t go to his gym, Little Tony is supposed to work out at home. The gym gave me a list of fifteen exercises that target his “Hindlimbs, Forelimbs, and Core.”
Evidently the core is a trouble spot for dogs, too. I’m guessing that sit-ups would improve Little Tony’s core, but he doesn’t even sit.
Maybe he can just cut out the pizza.
Then he could be Littler Tony.
The exercises for his core also include Cookie Stretches, in which the dog stretches forward to reach a cookie.
I can do those.
I also do Chocolate Cake Stretches.
I’m so fit!
You can imagine how well our first at-home exercise session goes, with Push-Ups. In case you were wondering, a doggie push-up is accomplished thusly: “Ask pet to go from the lying position into a sit position and back to the lying position. Ask for 4–6 reps, 2–3x a day, 3–5 days a week.”
I asked Little Tony, but he didn’t answer.
Then I figured the way to get him to do his first push-up was to bribe him with treats, but all he did was lunge for the treats for five reps.
Pushing up or down was not involved. Only whimpering and whining, which does nothing to strengthen your core.
I should know.
So we moved on to Side Crunches, which are allegedly accomplished like this: “Put a treat on pet’s shoulder, hip, and hock, to allow stretching in the neck and back.”
First problem, I don’t know what a hock is, but no worries, I got my hands full with hips and shoulders. I put the treat on Little Tony’s back, but it slides off, whereupon he whips around and gobbles it off the floor.
The only thing that crunches are the treats.
Then I try to hold it on his back, but he keeps moving, turning around in a circle so he doesn’t have to do the crunch.
Who can blame him? Not me.
We try the Wheel Barrow, in which I’m supposed to “lift pet’s legs and ask pet to move forwards, backwards, and sideways in this position.”
I pick up Little Tony’s back legs and wheel-barrow him around the kitchen, whereupon he moves forwards, backwards, and sideways—all at the same time.
Until he gets free and runs away.
For five reps.
You get the idea. We struggle through Weight Shifting, Snoopies, and Stair-Lovin’, which is when we learn that Little Tony doesn’t love stairs.
Little Tony does his exercises.
Who does?
Five exercises later, I gain a new respect for Little Tony’s native intelligence, and I am puffing and panting.
So one of us got plenty of exercise.
Gifts for Him
By Francesca
It’s my first Christmas with my boyfriend, and choosing a gift for him is impossible. We’ve all heard the lament, what do you get the man who has everything? Well, my boyfriend is the man who needs everything.
He’s a musician and travels frequently. He’d be happy with his guitar and whatever clothes fit in a backpack. He doesn’t think much of material possessions.
Doesn’t he know the true meaning of Christmas?
I’ve heard him say he needs basics, like T-shirts, but if I get him a pack of Hanes, I’ll feel like his mom.
And while a man can give a woman lingerie, I can’t bring myself to present my boyfriend with “manties.”
I could splurge and get him some designer shirt, but that’s not his thing. He’s stylish, but not flashy. I actually like how he dresses. I don’t want to change him.
Don’t I
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