Have a New Husband by Friday by Kevin Leman Page B

of your life to be like? Your husband needs professional help. If he’s not willing to get that help, then you need to make some choices for you and your future, especially if children are involved.
    Ask Dr. Leman
    Q: I’ve been married for 25 years. Our marriage should be good. I’m the firstborn, and Hal’s the baby of the family (I just read your book Born to Win )—but he was one of those manipulative, scheming babies who got away with everything. He took advantage of his own mother in just about every situation imaginable.
    During our marriage, Hal’s had three affairs—one just a month after we got married, one ten years into our marriage, and one just last year. He even took one of my girlfriends out to make me jealous!
    I’ve had it. But I grew up in a home where divorce wasn’t an option, and I can’t get that out of my head. I told him we needed to talk, and he said, “What about?” I told him I needed a break—from him. He agreed not to tell our teenage daughter anything but good-bye. But he came back later, when he knew I’d be gone for an hour, and told her that he didn’t want to leave but I was making him leave. He never told her about his affairs. He just said everything was my fault. I don’t want to bad-mouth the father of my child, but what do I do? Help! I’m drowning.
    Elise, Rhode Island
    A: You’re the classic pleaser married to the controller. Controllers are usually firstborns, but you can find a sociopathic type of personality at the bottom of the family as well. That’s what you have. All these years he’s been bleeding you dry and taking advantage of you. It needs to stop. He’s had it good all these years—he can come and go from home as he pleases, his laundry gets done, he’s fed, he’s not accountable to anyone, and he’s having sex with other women on the side (and probably still with you). Why would he want to leave home or change?
    But in this case, you need to take a stand. That man can no longer be welcome in your home. Your daughter, as a teenager who has watched how her daddy has treated you, needs to be told the truth (not the blow-by-blow version, mind you, but the overall detail that her father has had three affairs during your marriage). Meet with an attorney to see what your options are. Now is your time to play hardball. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? You—and your daughter—are worth more than that.
    Checkup, Anyone?
    Every six months I go to the dentist. You know, the dentist sends you the card that says, “Kevin, it’s that time again. Time to clean the ivories.”
    The last time I was in for a checkup, I teased my dental hygienist, “You get awfully happy over the fact that I floss.”
    “Now, Dr. Leman,” she said, “you know how important that is.”
    Yes, I know, so I buy the stupid plastic things at Walgreens to make flossing easier. I’m not a great flosser, but I’m better than I used to be. We all need those checkups once in a while. If we don’t take care of the plaque, it could build up on our teeth and lead to dental problems. If we don’t have doctor checkups, cholesterol could build up in our veins and cause a major heart attack.
    In the same way, your marriage needs a checkup once in a while.
    If you’re married to a user, you have to stand up for yourself. You have to develop “no” power. You owe it to yourself, your kids, and the next generation.
    I once received a poignant letter from a woman who was in deep shock. Through her husband’s carelessness, she found a receipt for some flowers he’d purchased midday at a local grocery store. They were described as “Special $12.99 Roses.”
    So, of course, she was expecting roses to show up. Then she looked at the date on the receipt. It was three days earlier on a weekday.
    She began to be suspicious that her husband was having an affair. What did this smart woman do? She hired a private investigator to tail the sucker and got the whole report