Bonnie could choose not to admit the fear if she was unable to save the child, not give in to the helplessness of being alonein that emergency. The way he had. He never used to be like that. He’d been the first on the scene, the fastest with treatment. The golden boy of the Royal Flying Doctor Service. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Now he’d let her down. Continued to let himself down.
Then she lifted her head. ‘Do you know how the little girl is?’
Her most important question. At least he could answer that for her. ‘No ill effects so far. I just left the hospital.’
‘Good! ‘ She even smiled, not at him but into the air with relief, and he was glad about that. In itself it was validation of standing here feeling like hell. That smile made it worth it.
‘Now I’m going,’ she said, and he felt a slam of desolation he hadn’t expected. At least he’d tried to explain. She pulled the bag forward a few inches and then stopped. ‘You should give medicine another go, Harry. You might find salvation instead of hell. You never know. But if you ever want to talk about it, don’t come and find me.’
Harry watched her disappear into the departure area and then turned away, but her accusations haunted him. Accusations he didn’t want to think about. Was he egotistical and self-absorbed? He would have said self-protective. Or was it just the thought of practising medicine that jerked him into denial?
It was as well he hadn’t had more time before herflight left because he didn’t know what he would have been capable of to try and talk her into staying just a little longer. To try to explain.
What was she saying? What did she mean? That someone else could have been there to help him when he’d lost his own baby? Someone like him, turning his back? Like Steve and that short-term job at the Rock and his own refusal to go?
He couldn’t do it. Or could he? He’d managed with the baby but that had been a close thing. Could he go back to diagnoses and the mistakes that left him open to self-recrimination?
Then again, could he not? Life was looking pretty damn empty right at this moment.
During the drive back to Ubud, Harry noticed things he hadn’t seen for a long time. Things Bonnie had pointed out to him with excitement.
He saw the families, crammed on motorbikes, children sitting on bags of grain behind their fathers, mums balancing their two-wheeled pick-ups as if it was the most normal thing in the world to carry a table on a motor bike.
It had always been this way as the motorcycle could be afforded and the car not, and suddenly to Harry it seemed incredibly alien to see babies, cradled by their precariously squashed mothers, jammed onto scooters between husbands and other children.
The small trucks packed with workers in the back; the Indonesian signage and waving palm trees were suddenly more visible. And here he was, pretending to be a part of it all when, in fact, he was really a bystander.An isolated one too scared to be involved in his own world where he belonged.
Harry’s world was in turmoil and Bonnie had done it. Bonnie and a little girl now safe in her mother’s arms.
Bonnie had been there when he’d been screaming inside,
This baby’s going to die too
, the scene fraught with emotion. An unwanted return to a situation he’d chosen to avoid, and now where was he? Apart from profoundly appreciative of her calm in an emergency, maybe it was the frailty of a toddler’s breathing and the fact that he and Bonnie had skills to save a life that had him thinking.
Or maybe it was just Bonnie who was attracting these medical disasters. He’d managed to avoid them for the last year. He’d known her three days and they’d had two already.
He saw his life, drifting from one leisurely Balinese day to the next, focused on the small issues, never thinking of the large ones in case it made him aware of what he’d chosen to discard in his fear of being hurt again.
Maybe he did
Now he’d let her down. Continued to let himself down.
Then she lifted her head. ‘Do you know how the little girl is?’
Her most important question. At least he could answer that for her. ‘No ill effects so far. I just left the hospital.’
‘Good! ‘ She even smiled, not at him but into the air with relief, and he was glad about that. In itself it was validation of standing here feeling like hell. That smile made it worth it.
‘Now I’m going,’ she said, and he felt a slam of desolation he hadn’t expected. At least he’d tried to explain. She pulled the bag forward a few inches and then stopped. ‘You should give medicine another go, Harry. You might find salvation instead of hell. You never know. But if you ever want to talk about it, don’t come and find me.’
Harry watched her disappear into the departure area and then turned away, but her accusations haunted him. Accusations he didn’t want to think about. Was he egotistical and self-absorbed? He would have said self-protective. Or was it just the thought of practising medicine that jerked him into denial?
It was as well he hadn’t had more time before herflight left because he didn’t know what he would have been capable of to try and talk her into staying just a little longer. To try to explain.
What was she saying? What did she mean? That someone else could have been there to help him when he’d lost his own baby? Someone like him, turning his back? Like Steve and that short-term job at the Rock and his own refusal to go?
He couldn’t do it. Or could he? He’d managed with the baby but that had been a close thing. Could he go back to diagnoses and the mistakes that left him open to self-recrimination?
Then again, could he not? Life was looking pretty damn empty right at this moment.
During the drive back to Ubud, Harry noticed things he hadn’t seen for a long time. Things Bonnie had pointed out to him with excitement.
He saw the families, crammed on motorbikes, children sitting on bags of grain behind their fathers, mums balancing their two-wheeled pick-ups as if it was the most normal thing in the world to carry a table on a motor bike.
It had always been this way as the motorcycle could be afforded and the car not, and suddenly to Harry it seemed incredibly alien to see babies, cradled by their precariously squashed mothers, jammed onto scooters between husbands and other children.
The small trucks packed with workers in the back; the Indonesian signage and waving palm trees were suddenly more visible. And here he was, pretending to be a part of it all when, in fact, he was really a bystander.An isolated one too scared to be involved in his own world where he belonged.
Harry’s world was in turmoil and Bonnie had done it. Bonnie and a little girl now safe in her mother’s arms.
Bonnie had been there when he’d been screaming inside,
This baby’s going to die too
, the scene fraught with emotion. An unwanted return to a situation he’d chosen to avoid, and now where was he? Apart from profoundly appreciative of her calm in an emergency, maybe it was the frailty of a toddler’s breathing and the fact that he and Bonnie had skills to save a life that had him thinking.
Or maybe it was just Bonnie who was attracting these medical disasters. He’d managed to avoid them for the last year. He’d known her three days and they’d had two already.
He saw his life, drifting from one leisurely Balinese day to the next, focused on the small issues, never thinking of the large ones in case it made him aware of what he’d chosen to discard in his fear of being hurt again.
Maybe he did
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