Harold and Maude by Colin Higgins

degenerate,” said Maude. “Really, General, I thought you at least—”
    â€œTraitor!” shouted Harold. “Benedict Arnold! Remember Nathan Hale, right, sir?”
    â€œDon’t you advance on me!” Maude shouted.
    â€œWe’ll nail every last one of you! You’re all going to end up like
this
!” And he held up the shrunken head.
    â€œFilth! Filth!” cried Maude.
    â€œLady, please,” said Uncle Victor. “Harold—”
    â€œJust like this,” said Harold, shaking the shrunken head in Maude’s face.
    â€œGive me that!” she cried, and grabbed it out of his hand. “I’m going to throw this in the sewer where it belongs.” She turned and ran off toward the reservoir.
    â€œShe took my head,” said Harold, dumbfounded.
    â€œStay where you are,” ordered the general.
    â€œShe took my head!” screamed Harold. He picked up Maude’s fallen peace sign and ran after her. “I’ll kill her!” he screamed.
    â€œHarold, come back! Harold, that’s an order.” The general followed him in hot pursuit.
    Maude ran past the sign saying “Danger—No Trespassing!” and under the fence that led to the dam. Harold followed her, wielding the peace sign like a club. The general, totally unnerved, ran after them.
    Scampering out along the edge of the dam, Maude stopped in the middle and held the shrunken head out over the rushing water below.
    â€œDon’t you dare!” cried Harold, catching up with her and grabbing her arm. Maude clobbered him with her umbrella, and when the general arrived she clobbered him too.
    â€œLady, please,” cried Uncle Victor, trying to restrain Harold with his one arm. “Give him back the head.”
    â€œI’ll kill her,” shouted Harold. “I’ll kill her!”
    â€œKeep away from me, you twisted little pervert!” screamed Maude.
    The general wrenched the peace sign from Harold and threw it over the dam. They paused for a moment to see it disappear in the treacherous water below. Maude stood on the general’s right, holding the shrunken head. With a quick move, Harold pulled the general’s lanyard which activated his mechanical salute. The sleeve sprung out and clipped Maude under the chin, knocking her over the dam and into the churning waters. The general, horrified, watched her go under. He waited anxiously, but she did not come up.
    Still with his sleeve held at salute, he looked up. He couldn’t believe what he’d seen. He turned to Harold for some reason for this calamity—some motive, some explanation.
    â€œI lost my head,” said Harold sadly, and watched the water flow rapidly downstream.
    B ACK AT HEADQUARTERS General Ball sat at his desk. “You can get rid of the Chasen file,” he said to his adjutant. “My nephew is not going in the Army.”
    â€œShall I put it back in Top Secret, sir?”
    â€œNo need to, Rodgers. Send it back through regular channels and have it certified medically unfit for active duty.”
    â€œAnything specific, sir?”
    â€œUse your own judgment, lieutenant. But, confidentially—the boy is an idiot. A homicidal maniac. He belongs in a mental institution.”
    â€œYes, sir. Here’s the latest body count, sir.”
    â€œI shudder to think, Rodgers, what would happen to the Army if we allow it to become a refuge for killers.”
    T WO SKELETONS , hung on two doors, jingled their bones and laughed uproariously. The doors burst open and Harold and Maude went scuttling by in a small cart that drew up by a sign marked “Exit.” An attendant helped them out of the cart, and they walked down the steps to the promenade.
    â€œWell, so much for the Haunted House,” said Harold. “It wasn’t very scary.”
    â€œNo,” said Maude. “It had nothing on this afternoon.”
    â€œOh, you weren’t