We all just quit the company, one by one.
So what does work? How can we stop chronic complainers from their constant grumbling? Here’s a simple but very effective trick:
A friend of mine who’s a dentist told me about an elderly, grouchy patient of hers who, every time he came in for an appointment, would spend most of his visit complaining about the weather, his children, his car, taxes, society, and any other topic that might come up.
Now you might think, “Hey, she’s a dentist, fill his mouth with gauze and cotton and let’s see him complain then!” but my friend is a naturally happy person and would instead try to cheer him up. It didn’t work, it just made him complain even more.
So, I taught her this simple trick and the next time he came in for an appointment she was ready. Mr. Grouch sat in the chair and, as always, immediately started complaining.
After listening to his usual litany for a while my dentist friend said, with deep sympathy in her voice, “You know, that sounds terrible. I don’t know how you deal with all of these problems.”
Guess what he said?
“Weeeeell, it’s not THAT bad!”
This approach works because it gives the complainer what he’s really after: empathy. No cheering up, no solutions, no cheering on. Just simple, human understanding of what is, for them, a difficult situation.
There are two important things to notice here. First, don’t be sarcastic when you say it. Be sincere. Secondly, you don’t have to agree that these are huge problems. Even if everything the complainer says sounds trivial to you, remember that it feels like a huge problem to them or they wouldn’t go on about it. What seems trivial to one person can be a huge problem for another.
So, you’re not saying, “Yes, I agree that’s a huge problem,” and you’re certainly not saying, “Oh, poor poor you,” in a sarcastic voice. You’re just acknowledging the fact that this is a huge problem for that person.
Does this make the complaining go away? Sometimes. But at the very least it keeps you from being part of a vicious circle of responses that just makes the complainers complain more and more and more. The circle is cut at the point where you take their distress seriously.
Boring tasks
There are no jobs out there in which every single task is fun and exciting. Any job contains boring moments, routine tasks, unpleasant assignments and contact with annoying people. Of course, if your job mostly consists of tasks you really hate to do, then maybe it’s time to move on to a different job.
If your job contains occasional boring tasks, then your approach to these tasks becomes crucial. If you work with a mantra of, “This sucks, man I hate doing this, why do I always have to do it,” running through your head, I can promise you that it will suck. Badly.
If you go to it with a playful attitude instead, you can make it much less unpleasant. Sometimes you can even make it fun. Here are some attitudes you can try:
Let’s do an awesome job of this.
Let’s do this 10% faster than the last time.
Let’s see if we can make it fun.
Let’s do this with full attention on the task, rather than on grumbling about it.
And there’s always one more option: to not do it. Remember that people are different and the task you think is really, really boring might be a lot of fun for one of your co-workers to do. In that case it would be a shame to deprive them of the chance to do it, wouldn’t it? So try to find out if somebody else would like to do the tasks you hate.
Unfairness
It turns out that a desire for fairness and equality is built into us at a biological level. Don’t believe me? Try this experiment: get a bunch of Capuchin monkeys, and train them to give you a small, polished granite rock in exchange for a slice of cucumber. This is tricky in itself, but possible. Soon the monkeys learn that when they hand over the rock, they get their treat.
Then try something new: get two of these monkeys
So what does work? How can we stop chronic complainers from their constant grumbling? Here’s a simple but very effective trick:
A friend of mine who’s a dentist told me about an elderly, grouchy patient of hers who, every time he came in for an appointment, would spend most of his visit complaining about the weather, his children, his car, taxes, society, and any other topic that might come up.
Now you might think, “Hey, she’s a dentist, fill his mouth with gauze and cotton and let’s see him complain then!” but my friend is a naturally happy person and would instead try to cheer him up. It didn’t work, it just made him complain even more.
So, I taught her this simple trick and the next time he came in for an appointment she was ready. Mr. Grouch sat in the chair and, as always, immediately started complaining.
After listening to his usual litany for a while my dentist friend said, with deep sympathy in her voice, “You know, that sounds terrible. I don’t know how you deal with all of these problems.”
Guess what he said?
“Weeeeell, it’s not THAT bad!”
This approach works because it gives the complainer what he’s really after: empathy. No cheering up, no solutions, no cheering on. Just simple, human understanding of what is, for them, a difficult situation.
There are two important things to notice here. First, don’t be sarcastic when you say it. Be sincere. Secondly, you don’t have to agree that these are huge problems. Even if everything the complainer says sounds trivial to you, remember that it feels like a huge problem to them or they wouldn’t go on about it. What seems trivial to one person can be a huge problem for another.
So, you’re not saying, “Yes, I agree that’s a huge problem,” and you’re certainly not saying, “Oh, poor poor you,” in a sarcastic voice. You’re just acknowledging the fact that this is a huge problem for that person.
Does this make the complaining go away? Sometimes. But at the very least it keeps you from being part of a vicious circle of responses that just makes the complainers complain more and more and more. The circle is cut at the point where you take their distress seriously.
Boring tasks
There are no jobs out there in which every single task is fun and exciting. Any job contains boring moments, routine tasks, unpleasant assignments and contact with annoying people. Of course, if your job mostly consists of tasks you really hate to do, then maybe it’s time to move on to a different job.
If your job contains occasional boring tasks, then your approach to these tasks becomes crucial. If you work with a mantra of, “This sucks, man I hate doing this, why do I always have to do it,” running through your head, I can promise you that it will suck. Badly.
If you go to it with a playful attitude instead, you can make it much less unpleasant. Sometimes you can even make it fun. Here are some attitudes you can try:
Let’s do an awesome job of this.
Let’s do this 10% faster than the last time.
Let’s see if we can make it fun.
Let’s do this with full attention on the task, rather than on grumbling about it.
And there’s always one more option: to not do it. Remember that people are different and the task you think is really, really boring might be a lot of fun for one of your co-workers to do. In that case it would be a shame to deprive them of the chance to do it, wouldn’t it? So try to find out if somebody else would like to do the tasks you hate.
Unfairness
It turns out that a desire for fairness and equality is built into us at a biological level. Don’t believe me? Try this experiment: get a bunch of Capuchin monkeys, and train them to give you a small, polished granite rock in exchange for a slice of cucumber. This is tricky in itself, but possible. Soon the monkeys learn that when they hand over the rock, they get their treat.
Then try something new: get two of these monkeys
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