HAPPILY EVER BEFORE by Aimee Pitta, Melissa Peterman

slice of pizza I will lose my boyish figure forever.”
    “Lay off the pizza. I like your boyish figure A LOT!” Grace said in her best come hither voice, which truthfully sounded more like Bea Arthur than Kathleen Turner.
    “Oh, you do? Well, how much is a lot?”
    “Enough to want to jump your bones, but not enough for phone sex.”
    Jack was mildly disappointed about the phone sex, but reasoned that because they hadn’t actually slept together yet, he really couldn’t expect her to put out long distance. “This jumping of the bones that you speak of--will this happen any time soon?”
    Grace laughed. “Get your ass back from la-la land and find out.”
    “If I could get on a plane tonight, I would.”
    “So, how are the best man duties going? Throw that wicked bachelor party yet?”
    Jack chuckled, “not exactly. We’re having dinner tomorrow night at Ruth Chris’ Steak House, then we’re going to the Buena Vista Cigar Club, and if we’re not too tired, we may take in some sort of burlesque show in Hollywood .”
    “Wow, that’s pretty hot stuff.”
    “Jimmy’s a pretty tame guy.” 
    Grace grinned. “Well, tame is good-- especially good for me. I can just wipe all those images of sexy bulimic blondes throwing their bodies at you from my mind.”
    Jack loved how funny Grace was. “Well, now just because Jimmy is tame…”
    “Hey, hey, pretend if you have too. At
three a.m.
, a girl needs peace of mind.”
    “How do I know some random stockbroker jock isn’t shaking his booty for you while I’m gone?”
    “Trust me. The only person who has violated me this week is my OBGYN.”
    Jack liked being in bed and hearing the sound of Grace’s voice in his ear. “Oh, yeah, how did that go?”
    Grace made herself comfortable on the couch in the office. “Hard to say, won’t know for a few weeks, but now that the lawyer, the psychologist, and the fertility specialist are through with me for a while I feel a bit used and whorish. And, you?”
     “Well, I wish you would make me feel used and whorish!” He gave his pillow a good whack before lying back. “You’re doing a very noble thing.”
    “Am I?” Grace bit her bottom lip. “Or am I just trying to score brownie points to get into heaven while I avoid, once again, figuring out what I want to do with my life?”
    “You’ve got to shut off that brain of yours and relax.”
    “You’re right, you’re right.” The switchboard lit up and Grace’s co-workers looked at her. “Shit, I’ve gotta run. Bye.”
    Jack sighed. “So soon?”
    Grace raced to the switchboard. “Yep, call me tomorrow after your wicked night on the town.”
    “Will do, will do. Night.” Jack hung up. His heart was in a very precarious place right now. And, so, to elevate his pain he went down stairs to get that last slice of pizza.
    The call turned out to be one of those this isn’t an emergency dealios and more of a, “if I take Tylenol PM with Benadryl is that okay,” questions. Grace decided to spend the rest of her time coming up with a recipe for the remaining food in her fridge. This was a game Grace loved. She was usually pretty successful except for that one time when she only had a bottle of beer, an apple, and a box of baking soda. Not even Bobby Flay could make something edible out of that. Grace loved to cook. It filled her two basic requirements--instant gratification and instant gratification. She was never bored when she cooked. The next big challenge was washing the dishes; a task Grace enjoyed so much she rarely used her dishwasher and the other challenge was fitting all the food she had cooked in her fridge. It was just a huge refrigerator puzzle of fun and cooking completely engaged her. With the shopping, the prep time, the actual cooking, and the cleanup, it kept her busy for hours on end. All in all, cooking was a win-win situation.
    Grace went through what she knew she had in the fridge--butter, the usual condiments, bell peppers, carrots,