says the President.
‘He said he ran, sir,’ Colonel North interrupted, ‘but he didn’t tell you he ran carryin five or six of his wounded buddies out of the line of fire.’
‘Well, Colonel, there you go again,’ say the President, ‘putting words in people’s mouths.’
‘Sorry, sir,’ says the colonel. ‘I was just trying to clarify matters. Put them in a proper perspective.’
‘You leave that to me,’ the President say. ‘That is my job, not yours – By the way, Colonel North, have we met before?’
Anyway, we finally got on down to bidness. In a corner of the room is a TV set, an the President, he has been watchin
Concentration
.
‘Why don’t you turn that shit off, Colonel,’ the President says. ‘It confuses me.’
‘Right, sir,’ says the colonel. ‘Personally, I prefer
The Price Is Right,
myself.’
‘Last time I was here,’ I says, tryin to get in the conversation, ‘the President, he sometimes watched
To Tell the Truth.
But that was a long time ago.’
‘I ain’t too fond of that one,’ Colonel North says.
‘Listen,’ says the President, ‘we ain’t got time to screw around talkin about TV shows. Just what you got on your mind, Ollie?’
‘That sombitch the Ayatolja of Iran,’ he says. ‘We is fixin to make a fool of him an get back our hostages, too, and while we are at it, we gonna do in them communist jackoffs in Central America, as well. It is the scheme of a lifetime, Mr President!’
‘Yeah? How you gonna do all that, Ollie?’
‘Well,’ say the colonel, ‘all it takes is a little tact and diplomacy – Now, here is my plan . . .’
For the next few hours the colonel he explainin his scheme to the President. Once or twice the President dozed off, an the colonel had to stop an wake him up by ticklin his nose with a feather he kept in his uniform pocket for that purpose. I did not foller much of Colonel North’s stuff, account of everthin seemed to depend on everthin else an they was a bunch of names thowed out that was just about unpronounceable. When he was finished, I didn’t understand any more about what we is sposed to do than when he started, but I figgered the President did.
‘Yeah, Ollie, that all sounds pretty good to me, whatever it was, but let me ask you this: What is the Ayatolja of Iran got to do with it?’ the President says.
‘Huh?’ say the colonel. ‘Why, the Ayatolja
is
the plan! Don’t you see – arms for hostages! An then we use the money they pay us to finance the gorillas fighting in Nicaragua! It couldn’t be neater, Mr President!’
Me, I was wonderin why the gorillas in Nicaragua was fightin, an it reminded me of ole Sue.
Poor ole Sue.
‘Well,’ says the President, ‘it all sounds kinda fishy to me – but if you say so, Ollie – But just remember – no arms for hostages,
per se
– you know what I mean?’
‘It will make you a great national hero, sir,’ the colonel says.
‘One other thing I don’t understand,’ says the President, ‘is what is Mr Gump’s role in all this?’
‘Well, Mr President,’ the colonel answers, ‘I believe that the two greatest enemies of all Americans are ignorance and apathy, and Private Gump is living proof that these can be overcome. He will be a great asset to us.’
The President looked kinda puzzled an turned to me. ‘What’d he say? Somethin about ignorance and apathy, wadn’t it?’
‘I don’t know, an I don’t give a shit,’ I says.
At this, the President scratch his head an get up an turns on the TV set again.
‘Whatever you want to do, Ollie,’ he says, ‘but now I got to watch
Let’s Make a Deal
.’
‘Yes, that’s a fine show, Mr President.’
‘The one I really liked was
Queen For a Day,
but it don’t come on no more,’ the President says, lookin kinda sad.
‘You just leave it to me and Private Gump, here, Mr President. I assure you, we will reflect great credit on you and this office.’
But the President, he seem like he ain’t
‘He said he ran, sir,’ Colonel North interrupted, ‘but he didn’t tell you he ran carryin five or six of his wounded buddies out of the line of fire.’
‘Well, Colonel, there you go again,’ say the President, ‘putting words in people’s mouths.’
‘Sorry, sir,’ says the colonel. ‘I was just trying to clarify matters. Put them in a proper perspective.’
‘You leave that to me,’ the President say. ‘That is my job, not yours – By the way, Colonel North, have we met before?’
Anyway, we finally got on down to bidness. In a corner of the room is a TV set, an the President, he has been watchin
Concentration
.
‘Why don’t you turn that shit off, Colonel,’ the President says. ‘It confuses me.’
‘Right, sir,’ says the colonel. ‘Personally, I prefer
The Price Is Right,
myself.’
‘Last time I was here,’ I says, tryin to get in the conversation, ‘the President, he sometimes watched
To Tell the Truth.
But that was a long time ago.’
‘I ain’t too fond of that one,’ Colonel North says.
‘Listen,’ says the President, ‘we ain’t got time to screw around talkin about TV shows. Just what you got on your mind, Ollie?’
‘That sombitch the Ayatolja of Iran,’ he says. ‘We is fixin to make a fool of him an get back our hostages, too, and while we are at it, we gonna do in them communist jackoffs in Central America, as well. It is the scheme of a lifetime, Mr President!’
‘Yeah? How you gonna do all that, Ollie?’
‘Well,’ say the colonel, ‘all it takes is a little tact and diplomacy – Now, here is my plan . . .’
For the next few hours the colonel he explainin his scheme to the President. Once or twice the President dozed off, an the colonel had to stop an wake him up by ticklin his nose with a feather he kept in his uniform pocket for that purpose. I did not foller much of Colonel North’s stuff, account of everthin seemed to depend on everthin else an they was a bunch of names thowed out that was just about unpronounceable. When he was finished, I didn’t understand any more about what we is sposed to do than when he started, but I figgered the President did.
‘Yeah, Ollie, that all sounds pretty good to me, whatever it was, but let me ask you this: What is the Ayatolja of Iran got to do with it?’ the President says.
‘Huh?’ say the colonel. ‘Why, the Ayatolja
is
the plan! Don’t you see – arms for hostages! An then we use the money they pay us to finance the gorillas fighting in Nicaragua! It couldn’t be neater, Mr President!’
Me, I was wonderin why the gorillas in Nicaragua was fightin, an it reminded me of ole Sue.
Poor ole Sue.
‘Well,’ says the President, ‘it all sounds kinda fishy to me – but if you say so, Ollie – But just remember – no arms for hostages,
per se
– you know what I mean?’
‘It will make you a great national hero, sir,’ the colonel says.
‘One other thing I don’t understand,’ says the President, ‘is what is Mr Gump’s role in all this?’
‘Well, Mr President,’ the colonel answers, ‘I believe that the two greatest enemies of all Americans are ignorance and apathy, and Private Gump is living proof that these can be overcome. He will be a great asset to us.’
The President looked kinda puzzled an turned to me. ‘What’d he say? Somethin about ignorance and apathy, wadn’t it?’
‘I don’t know, an I don’t give a shit,’ I says.
At this, the President scratch his head an get up an turns on the TV set again.
‘Whatever you want to do, Ollie,’ he says, ‘but now I got to watch
Let’s Make a Deal
.’
‘Yes, that’s a fine show, Mr President.’
‘The one I really liked was
Queen For a Day,
but it don’t come on no more,’ the President says, lookin kinda sad.
‘You just leave it to me and Private Gump, here, Mr President. I assure you, we will reflect great credit on you and this office.’
But the President, he seem like he ain’t
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