Gravity (Free Falling) by Raven St. Pierre Page B

to my side and helped me out once more and we walked to the door in silence.  He led me inside, walked me over to the couch, and then retreated up the stairs to his room without saying a word.  A half a minute later he returned, shoving something in his pocket before taking the seat next to me.  When he turned the TV on I relaxed a little.  Maybe this was all he had in mind.  He put his arm around my shoulders and hugged them, gently pulling me closer.  We watched a few of the usual re-runs that came on at this time of day – What’s happening, Martin, Sanford and Son .  By this point, I felt myself getting sleepy.  We had time for me to squeeze in a nap so I took advantage.  I sat up and laid my head down at the other end of the couch and rested my feet in Antonio’s lap.  He automatically began to rub and massage them which made it impossible to keep my eyes open.  It wasn’t long before I drifted off.
    I’m not exact ly sure how much time had passed, but I was awakened by Antonio’s lips pressing against my neck.  I could feel his weight on me, pressing me deep into the couch.  The heat from his breath on my skin left me feeling disoriented.  Part of me knew what was happening, but I couldn’t get my thoughts together.  I still wasn’t sure whether I was dreaming or not.  My hands were at my sides where they rested lifelessly while he continued to kiss me.    
    Antonio was always patient with me which is why it surprised me that he chose now to be intense.  I’d often wondered if being with a virgin was too much for him to handle, and before now I never thought so.  I was in shock.  Aside from weakly returning his kiss for the sake of not hurting his feelings, I hadn’t moved.  Antonio panted while he touched and kissed me without my permission.  Things between us had never gotten this heated before and I didn’t know how to tell him that I wasn’t ready.  Did he think that just because he told me that he loved me he now had a free pass? 
    I felt his hand run up the side of my body and back down again before it came to rest on my hip.  He lifted my arms and placed them around his neck, trying to get me into it.  Did he notice that he was doing all the work?  Did he care or was he only concerned with getting what he wanted?  Now I had a pretty good idea what he shoved in his pocket when he came back into the living room – a condom.  My hands rested limply on his shoulders as I contemplated how to end this.  I wanted out.   It was then, when I saw Antonio undoing his belt that I began to come to my senses.  I didn’t speak up right away, searching for the kindest words that I could find.  He undid his pants and mine before I was able to blurt out, “Wait!”
                  Confusion crossed his face.  Breathlessly, he asked, “What’s wrong?”
                  “I just don’t think I’m ready for this.  Don’t be mad at me.”
    I watched Antonio as he tried to hide the frustration that crossed his face.  He sighed as he stood to fix his pants before sitting back down on the couch, visibly disappointed.  I sat up and adjusted my clothes, wondering to myself if I’d led him on in some way.  I cleared my throat as a few awkward seconds passed.  I was just getting ready to tell him that he could just drop me back off at my car if he was mad, but then he pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead.  The mild tension that had mounted between us began to melt away and I even felt a little relieved.
    “You’re not mad?”  I asked.
    He shook his head and sighed.  “No.  I could never get mad at you.”
    Nervous, I fidgeted with my nails.  My heart was still racing from the close call.  “I’ll be ready soon.  Just……just not today,” I added.
    Antonio smiled and leaned his head against the back of the couch.  “Sam, you don’t have to rush for me.  I just…..I guess I just thought……  Nothing,” he finally