said.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you before. And that I can’t talk now.”
“Whatever I can do,” Claire said. I thanked her. I felt so far from her and the world outside our car that it was a relief to say good-bye.
“Could we at least listen to the radio?” Julia asked from the backseat.
“No,” Eric and I said in unison.
We got on the freeway heading south. The sun was breaking through the clouds over the San Francisco Bay. I cracked open the window to smell the water. The dread-thickened air of the past weeks had given way to the in-the-moment specificity of disaster.
I felt suddenly liberated, giddy, on the lam.
“Where will we go?” I asked Eric.
“I have to go in to work,” he said.
I stiffened. I didn’t even know why I was so angry. “Why?” I asked, but I sensed the answer in the tense grip of his hand on the steering wheel. I pictured the partners’ meeting, the grim discussion of damage control.
“Don’t give me a hard time on this,” he said.
“We can’t just hang around your office all day.”
“I know,” he said, sidestepping the anger in my tone. “I think you should go down to my folks’.”
I wanted to say, because of what my family’s done, I have to be taken in by yours? But I thought better of it, the kids too quiet in the backseat. I glanced over my shoulder. Lilly was clutching Julia’s hand. “The girls and I are going to spend the day in the city,” I said. “We’ll meet up with you after work.”
I was stalling, improvising, but Eric didn’t argue. We parked in the garage beneath his office. When we said good-bye, I felt lighter, then lighter still walking away from the reflecting glass of his tall building. The sky had become an unambiguous blue. The girls and I turned on Sutter toward Union Square, grateful to be anonymous. I told them we’d have breakfast at Sears Famous Pancakes. They were quiet, Lilly hanging on to Julia rather than me, neither one complaining about having to stand in line for a table.
“This is so bizarre,” Julia said, staring at her plate. “What are we supposed to do all day?”
“I thought we’d do some shopping.”
“At the Gap?” she asked, brightening for the first time.
I pretended to think it over before saying yes. I’d give them anything they asked for.
It didn’t take them long to catch on. When we’d worn ourselves out shopping, we went to the movies. I let them buy candy and ice cream. I got cash out of the bank machine to give them money to play video games.
I reserved a room under my married name for all of us at a hotel inHalf Moon Bay. I’d stayed there before. It had a heated pool; the girls could go swimming in their brand-new suits. It made as much sense as anything else. When we met up with Eric after work, he quietly went along with the plan.
Our room had a rose-colored carpet, queen beds with floral-print spreads, and overdone window treatments. I found it oddly comforting. The girls put their things in dresser drawers. Even Eric unpacked. I was the only one who never unpacked no matter where we were.
“How much is this place?” he asked after the girls had run off to the pool.
”Does it matter?”
He let it drop but I understood. On top of everything else, he was worried about his job. “Tell me what happened at work,” I said.
“Damage control.” He described the meetings, the phone calls. “They want me to hand off my UC work for now.”
I nodded. “A bit awkward, I guess, having the brother-in-law bombing the client.” Eric actually laughed, and I loved him for it.
“Agent Miller called,” he said. “He said he didn’t know how your name got out to the press. He said he felt personally betrayed. I told him his was the last call we’d ever take from the FBI.”
“Good,” I said.
Eric took my hands. “Bobby was arraigned in Boise this afternoon on a charge of possessing bomb components.”
“They found bomb parts at his place?” I asked as if there were a
“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you before. And that I can’t talk now.”
“Whatever I can do,” Claire said. I thanked her. I felt so far from her and the world outside our car that it was a relief to say good-bye.
“Could we at least listen to the radio?” Julia asked from the backseat.
“No,” Eric and I said in unison.
We got on the freeway heading south. The sun was breaking through the clouds over the San Francisco Bay. I cracked open the window to smell the water. The dread-thickened air of the past weeks had given way to the in-the-moment specificity of disaster.
I felt suddenly liberated, giddy, on the lam.
“Where will we go?” I asked Eric.
“I have to go in to work,” he said.
I stiffened. I didn’t even know why I was so angry. “Why?” I asked, but I sensed the answer in the tense grip of his hand on the steering wheel. I pictured the partners’ meeting, the grim discussion of damage control.
“Don’t give me a hard time on this,” he said.
“We can’t just hang around your office all day.”
“I know,” he said, sidestepping the anger in my tone. “I think you should go down to my folks’.”
I wanted to say, because of what my family’s done, I have to be taken in by yours? But I thought better of it, the kids too quiet in the backseat. I glanced over my shoulder. Lilly was clutching Julia’s hand. “The girls and I are going to spend the day in the city,” I said. “We’ll meet up with you after work.”
I was stalling, improvising, but Eric didn’t argue. We parked in the garage beneath his office. When we said good-bye, I felt lighter, then lighter still walking away from the reflecting glass of his tall building. The sky had become an unambiguous blue. The girls and I turned on Sutter toward Union Square, grateful to be anonymous. I told them we’d have breakfast at Sears Famous Pancakes. They were quiet, Lilly hanging on to Julia rather than me, neither one complaining about having to stand in line for a table.
“This is so bizarre,” Julia said, staring at her plate. “What are we supposed to do all day?”
“I thought we’d do some shopping.”
“At the Gap?” she asked, brightening for the first time.
I pretended to think it over before saying yes. I’d give them anything they asked for.
It didn’t take them long to catch on. When we’d worn ourselves out shopping, we went to the movies. I let them buy candy and ice cream. I got cash out of the bank machine to give them money to play video games.
I reserved a room under my married name for all of us at a hotel inHalf Moon Bay. I’d stayed there before. It had a heated pool; the girls could go swimming in their brand-new suits. It made as much sense as anything else. When we met up with Eric after work, he quietly went along with the plan.
Our room had a rose-colored carpet, queen beds with floral-print spreads, and overdone window treatments. I found it oddly comforting. The girls put their things in dresser drawers. Even Eric unpacked. I was the only one who never unpacked no matter where we were.
“How much is this place?” he asked after the girls had run off to the pool.
”Does it matter?”
He let it drop but I understood. On top of everything else, he was worried about his job. “Tell me what happened at work,” I said.
“Damage control.” He described the meetings, the phone calls. “They want me to hand off my UC work for now.”
I nodded. “A bit awkward, I guess, having the brother-in-law bombing the client.” Eric actually laughed, and I loved him for it.
“Agent Miller called,” he said. “He said he didn’t know how your name got out to the press. He said he felt personally betrayed. I told him his was the last call we’d ever take from the FBI.”
“Good,” I said.
Eric took my hands. “Bobby was arraigned in Boise this afternoon on a charge of possessing bomb components.”
“They found bomb parts at his place?” I asked as if there were a
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